How to kindly end short relationship

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Stupidly I got involved with someone new far too soon after a bad break up. I’ve realised over the last week or so that we are pretty incompatible and there are a couple of red-ish flags that I’m not willing to ignore.

But I have no idea how to nicely break up with someone. I think he’s far more into me than I am him, but truthfully I’m just finding being in a relationship at all so stressful.

Logistically I can’t see him face to face for another week but I need to end it asap, is it so terrible to do it via text? A phone call seems worse somehow.

Its been 2 months if that makes any difference.

You have to be brave.
Text him kindly but firmly, and get it over and done with ASAP.

The sky won't fall in and the relief will be immense.

I jumped into another relationship immediately a four-year relationship ended. It was a guy I met at a friend's party, we fancied each other and saw each other for about 3 months and then he started fizzling out. I asked him to be straight with me and ... he WROTE ME AN ACTUAL LETTER saying he didn't want a long term romantic relationship with me. This was accompanied by a massive box of chocolates. I called him all sorts of names (in my head) but then realised he was right, and I didn't want one with him, either and I wanted my ex back. But we got on really well and we eventually became the absolute best of friends. We had a fabulous night out together only last Saturday. It only works if they don't piss you off though. He was too quirky for me as a partner but it's fun in a friend.

Postscript: I did get back with my ex fiancé but I ended up dumping him because of jealousy and control.

Stop worrying about being "nice." He's not going to like being dumped no matter how prettily you dress it up. Be polite and clear that it's over, that's all that's necessary. Sometimes we have to hurt people in order to do what's needed. That's just the way it is.

It wasn’t taken well.
Ive replied back a couple of times to be polite, just sticking to what I said. But I’m now having to ignore him.

He probably came on MN and everyone told him to ring and that texting was cowardly 😂

After 20 dates if he's keen I'd just do a warning shot text then a call (unless one of the red flags is abusive or manipulative behaviour in which case text and block). In my view which most of my short term OLD relationships seemed to share, it's the most respectful way. Allows both parties there opportunity to say their piece and end things with a few niceties. Don't offer friendship unless you genuinely mean it. Clean break is easier.

Keep it formulaic

Cheery greeting. Hope you don't mind me calling, I just thought better than holding on until the weekend. Be positive about the relationship, you've really enjoyed spending time together. Make it clear things are ending here. Give a fairly neutral reason about you- you're not quite ready for a relationship, feeling it as a long term partnership whatever. I wouldn't go too much into your recent split or the red flag issues. Let them say their piece. If any practicalities, belongings to exchange, gig tickets owed, consider those prior to calling and offer solutions at end of call. Reiterate you've had a great time and wish them well.

After 2 months don't make a huge song and dance. One bloke I liked did and it made it a lot harder having to sit watching him emote on about how great I was and how busy he was (truth was he lived miles away, we didn't have a huge amount in common and I was about 2weeks behind him in the decision because we had something booked, he just got there first). It was quite humiliating really knowing he thought I'd be devastated.

I guess if he's persistent, send one last message being firm. Just say, I appreciate this has probably come as a shock however my mind is firmly made up. I wish you all the best. Then block.
You owe him nothing now. You've been honest. That's that.

Block him. You don't owe him anything, and you certainly don't have to listen to his bullshit.

Sorry, cross post. You've made yourself clear, that's all you needed to do.

Please don't feel guilty about not continuing to engage. It wasn't a long relationship with all sorts of things to sort out. He needs to respect your decision.

Some people struggle to hear other people’s no @honeyandbutterontoast it is not a great trait. Just leave him off now.

I know that it could have worked, if I gave up being who I am and all the things I want. I’m just not prepared to do that.

And it isn’t showing him in a great light tbh. If he had said “yep totally understand, not working for me either” I probably would have wanted it to carry on 😂 This just makes me more determined to be on my own.

I sent a similar text recently saying along these lines

'It's been hard for us to find a time to talk on the phone so I thought it was best to text to let you know sooner rather than later later, I've been thinking a lot about us and although we've had some lovely times and I think you're a great guy it doesn't feel like the right relationship and I can't see it making us both happy long term. I'm happy to talk when you're free if you'd like to but I wanted to let you know how I'm feeling.'

Oh just seen you've texted already - sounds like your gut was right and he probably would have become a weirdo.

Just saw your update! Yeah, your instincts were right here. Block him if needs be

Possibly! He was a bit of an overthinker. The funny thing was I think he’d geared himself up to it and then I just said ‘ oh you’re probably right. We are very different. It’s been fun though’ think he was a bit shocked. I wasn’t nearly so blase in reality though. He did try and get in contact again about two weeks later but once they dump you you know it’s never going to work out

Oh dear, he seems a bit pushy.

But the deed is done now and he has to accept it!