How to kindly end short relationship

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Stupidly I got involved with someone new far too soon after a bad break up. I’ve realised over the last week or so that we are pretty incompatible and there are a couple of red-ish flags that I’m not willing to ignore.

But I have no idea how to nicely break up with someone. I think he’s far more into me than I am him, but truthfully I’m just finding being in a relationship at all so stressful.

Logistically I can’t see him face to face for another week but I need to end it asap, is it so terrible to do it via text? A phone call seems worse somehow.

Its been 2 months if that makes any difference.

Just say I don't think I'm right for you or say you don't feel ready to date just yet as you are getting over a breakup ,

I didn’t tell him about the break up as I was trying to process it all at the time. But yes I was thinking along the lines of me not being right for him.

Make it all about yourself . You could say something like you realise that you are at least a couple of years off dating.

I like this.

@honeyandbutterontoast it's fine to do it by text.

I don't think it's bad to end it over text. I would just say that you've enjoyed the dates you've had but on reflection realise that you are not yet ready to continue with a serious relationship. You dont need to mention the incompatibility if you don't want to. Wish him all the best for the future etc and that's job done!

It was getting too serious. That was the problem really.

Yea, after 2 months a text is OK. There's no getting around upsetting people when you break up though, it's an inevitable part of dating and you have to accept that otherwise the alternative is ignoring red flags and not sticking to boundaries.
Honesty without detail is fine, just say you don't feel you are compatible and you'd rather not continue seeing him. No need to point out his red flags though they are there. Don't offer friendship either, a clean break is always better.

I personally think anything over three or four dates deserves the respect of a phone call. If I were really into someone and they dumped me by text after two months I would find that rather hurtful and think a lot less of them.

I think just stick to the truth, as kindly as possible. You've noticed a few areas where you don't seem compatible and at the same time you've started to realise that you're not quite in a place where you're ready to date. You have had some lovely times with him but think it's best to go separate ways now, wish him all the best etc.

You don't need to mention the 'red flaggy' things, and you don't need to worry about whether he's upset (probably will be, getting dumped sucks) because although you should make an effort to be respectful to him as you break up, you're not responsible for managing ALL his emotions for him.

Personally I'd hate to be broken up with over phone by anyone. Short relationship - do it by text so I can process in my own time and respond when I'm calm and able to choose my words carefully. Long relationship - needs a face to face. By phone is the worst option always.

Don't disagree at all but the OP seems to think the breakup needs to be done before she's due to see him next, so text and phone call are the only options she's working with.

Hey Fred !

I've decided I'm not ready for a relationship right now so going to end things here before it goes any further
Really enjoyed our few dates and wishing you all the best in the future

Gladys

It’s probably about 20 dates rather than a few.

i just think waiting a week or so to see and tell him, whilst pretending on text/phone that everything is okay, isn’t a nice thing to do.

I would hate to be told via phone or to my face, but I know that would be more respectful.

I think it's better to do it sooner than later.

You could do a preparatory text "we need to talk " style and arrange a call/videocall later.

Or just text him.

I think if your main communication is usually messaging for conducting the relationship, then there's no reason it shouldn't be used for ending it.

There's some kind of snobbery about messaging that people get, like it's inferior, but heck in the past people used to communicate by letter.

People are funny about women ending relationships - it always has to be "right way" but that's impossible cos someone always gets hurt. Mutually wanted splits are rare.

Also if he's quite clingy and red flaggy, it's probably better to end it in a way where you have control over the method of communication and situation. Otherwise you might find yourself "talked round" or in difficulties.

The classic it’s not you it’s me….. lol

We don’t text often as he hates texting.

But yes, in person or in the phone I will get talked round to continuing it. I’m fairly sure of that.

Him getting too serious at two months is definitely a red flag, especially if he knows you're not long out of a bad break up. Just send the text. Tell him you've realised it's much too soon and you're not ready for a new relationship yet. Wish him well and don't enter into explaining yourself further. If he badgers you after then you'll have to block him.

Send him a text, he'll then call but don't be talked around!

Right then, so just message him.

You want out, so it's your best option. No point dragging it out.

Or letting him drag it out.

Text is fine but don’t block or not respond if he wants to call afterwards. Just rehearse your lines thoroughly to you can’t be talked round.

it can be something really simple along the lines of ‘this just isn't right for me at this time’ and don’t feel you have to get into details.

I personally wouldn't say anything about not being ready for a relationship cos then if you do meet someone new or whatever, it's a bit rough.

Maybe you aren't ready.

But maybe it's just not with him.

I'd just say it's been lovely getting to know him, but you're not feeling it, or something.

Hi Dave. Hope you're having a good week. I hope you don't mind me doing this via text but as I wasn't going to see you for a week I didn't want to drag it out, I've decided I don't want to date or be in a relationship at all for a while. I just want to be by myself. It's nothing you've done it's just where I'm at. Hope you understand, it's been lovely getting to know you and I wish you all the best. Emily x

If he protests tell him firmly your mind is made up and even if you were in a better place that spark isn't there and "I don't feel that way about you and it's just one of those things".

If he still protests then - and only then - do you need to block.

@LeaveTheClocksAlone response is absolutely spot on - do this.

I wouldn't be saying it was all on me if we were just incompatible and there were red flags. I would point those things out. Why wouldn't you do that?

Someone broke up with me years ago after about three months. I think he called and said something like he didn’t think it was the right thing for him. That was fine but I would probably have just text. It’s less awkward.

Fair enough to say we're incompatible, but it's better to leave red flags out of it:

1. It helps other women if he isn't taught to hide his red flags better.
2. It gives him things to argue against.