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Original poster

Dealing with the ex wife

46 replies

Ccaarroolliinnee · 06/06/2024 22:55

OK...been separated for 7 years, had a new relationship for the last 18 months, my kids are 18 and 21, they are happy and like my partner. HOWEVER.....my ex has two children 12 and 20 and his ex wife has decided that she doesn't want me to be involved with them at all. We are conforming because anything other than that would be a nightmare for his kids because she's being so difficult. Do I just suck this up?

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 07/06/2024 00:01

His 20 year old is an adult but it is up to the father of the 12 year old to sort things out with the child and his ex. Up to you what you want to do I guess.

ByBrightSloth · 07/06/2024 00:02

I don’t understand who is who

futherdaysahead · 07/06/2024 00:06

Who is the father of the 12 year old ?

If it's your partner then tough shit to the ex wife

Pinkbonbon · 07/06/2024 00:10

Your ex has another ex?

Or did you mean your new bfs ex?

CheekyHobson · 07/06/2024 00:16

Ex-wife doesn’t get to dictate anything.

You can respectfully refrain from acting like a parent to the children but she can’t stop you from being involved with them in any way. Stop bowing down to her nonsense.

Hadjab · 07/06/2024 01:22

Pretty sure it’s her BF who has an ex.

Opentooffers · 07/06/2024 01:34

I followed it fine. What you do as an individual is expect that your BF will stand up to her and say she is being unreasonable. Then you see each other at your own convenience rather than having her dictate anything. If he won't stand up to her, then reconsider the relationship because that makes him just as unreasonable too.

CowTown · 07/06/2024 12:27

I’m confused….she expects you to leave your home when her children come to visit? Sounds unreasonable to me and not something I’d abide by.

Epidote · 07/06/2024 12:38

I didn't follow you OP. Is your partner and his ex the parents of the 20 and 12 and she is the one who doesn't want you around?
If that is the case I think is she the one who has to suck it up.

OneThreadOnly · 07/06/2024 12:47

I don't know why people get so sarky over small mistakes in an OP, it's pretty clear who is who.

Your DP needs to tell his ex that it's none of her business, it is an 18 month relationship not some brief fling. If you live together then you can not be expected to vacate your home for contact. If you don't live together then it's less of an issue as you don't have to tag along every time but it is not reasonable at all to say you can not be involved.

lonelysad · 07/06/2024 12:52

At 12 and 20 the kids can decide who they spend time with. Are they comfortable with you?

Also, how long ago did their relationship end? If it was last week it might be more understandable why she's being difficult!

GerbilsForever24 · 07/06/2024 12:53

So you've been with someone for 18 months and he has two children 12 and 20? Do you live together? How long ago did him and his ex split?

I don't think the ex gets to dictate who he spends time with and if you've been together 18 months it's not unreasonable for him to haveintroduced you to his DC. The 20 year old is surely a moot point - by now he should have a fairly adult relationship with that child and it's irrelevant what his ex thinks. For the 12 year old, if there are set contact arrangements in place and he's adhering to those, I can't really understand where the isse is unless the 12 year old doesn't like you?

Theweepywillow · 07/06/2024 13:11

my ex has two children 12 and 20 and his ex wife has decided that she doesn't want me to be involved with them at all

why would you be involved with your ex’s kids?

OlderandwiserMaybe · 07/06/2024 13:22

What do you mean by "involved with them"?

Pinkbonbon · 07/06/2024 13:28

Assuming you mean your new partners kids, even still, no need to be involved with the 20 year old (who surely would do what they like regardless of the mums thoughts on the matter).

As for the 12 year old, their dad can just see then outwith the house surely. Means being a bit Disney father, but if that's what the mum wants then fair enough. I don't see the problem. It's good news for you not getting saddled with some other women's kids to raise part time.

Just check everything is above board and ges not still with her/seeing someone else and just using this as an excuse not to have you round certain evenings.

Dadjoke007 · 07/06/2024 13:33

Theweepywillow · 07/06/2024 13:11

my ex has two children 12 and 20 and his ex wife has decided that she doesn't want me to be involved with them at all

why would you be involved with your ex’s kids?

A friend of mine became step mum to a couple of 3 & 5 year olds, relationship lasted 12 years or so, in which time they became close. After split they (both 18+ now) still meet up with her (they do share a half sister too)

Marblessolveeverything · 07/06/2024 13:40

Are you the child's mother/father/ex step parent? it isn't clear.

Meadowfinch · 07/06/2024 13:45

I'm confused about the relationships, but the mother of the 12 and 20 has no say at all in what the 20yo does. And she has no input when the 12yo is with their father.

Partly because it's on his time, and partly because at 12, the child is old enough to speak to whoever she wants.

I'd keep out of it. If you share a house with the father, then the 12yo dsd can come and go as she pleases. You leave parenting to the dad, but you don't move out or change your routine in any way.

Let the dad sort it out.

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 07/06/2024 15:47

So you've been separated from your ex for 7 years, his ex wife (the one before you) doesn't want you seeing her children. You aren't with their Dad anymore.

What's happened to make her change her mind after 7 years?

I'm not reading this as he's your current partner but I may have misunderstood.

Jonisaysitbest · 07/06/2024 16:13

Just to clear this up (and it isn't that hard to get):
You have been separated for 7 years.
You have adult children who like your partner of 18 months.
Your partner has a 20 yr & a 13 yr old.
HIS ex has stated that she doesn't want you involved with the kids she shares with him.

Jonisaysitbest · 07/06/2024 16:17

And to add - I think it's up to the kids at that age.
Tread carefully though if they aren't sure & take it gradually.

Be clear with them that you understand they sometimes need time with their Dad alone (ie not with you) & that you will respect that.
When you spend time together be friendly, relaxed and don't try too hard with them or be too possessive of their Dad.

The ex doesn't get to call the shots. If you take it carefully and wisely and his kids get to like you it will make it easier & she won't have anything to complain about.

lincsherts · 07/06/2024 16:17

CheekyHobson · 07/06/2024 00:16

Ex-wife doesn’t get to dictate anything.

You can respectfully refrain from acting like a parent to the children but she can’t stop you from being involved with them in any way. Stop bowing down to her nonsense.

Edited

That's not strictly correct as the ex-wife is one parent of a 12 year old so there will be times when she will need to dictate certain things. I'm being a bit pedantic about language but I think it's important to be precise because, while a parent should sometimes dictate some things, I think it's detrimental to a child's development when random rules are dictated with no rationale behind them. There would be no rationale to dictating that the father's new partner cannot have anything to do with the 12 year old (unless the new partner was a potential danger to the child of course, not suggesting that here).

Jonisaysitbest · 07/06/2024 16:18

Jonisaysitbest · 07/06/2024 16:13

Just to clear this up (and it isn't that hard to get):
You have been separated for 7 years.
You have adult children who like your partner of 18 months.
Your partner has a 20 yr & a 13 yr old.
HIS ex has stated that she doesn't want you involved with the kids she shares with him.

I meant 12 year old, that was a typo!

beckybarefoot · 07/06/2024 16:23

if you've been together 18 months, whats happened in that time for this decision to now be made? or has it always been the case?

i would assume your partners ex doesnt like you.. for whatever reason and is now trying to manipulate your partner by not allowing him access to his child.

go to court.. get a family lawyer and take it to court. the 20 year old is an adult and can pretty much do as they please. but the 12 year old, i assume still lives with mum.

formal custordy agreements need to be made... one parent witholding a child is nasty

CheekyHobson · 07/06/2024 21:24

lincsherts · 07/06/2024 16:17

That's not strictly correct as the ex-wife is one parent of a 12 year old so there will be times when she will need to dictate certain things. I'm being a bit pedantic about language but I think it's important to be precise because, while a parent should sometimes dictate some things, I think it's detrimental to a child's development when random rules are dictated with no rationale behind them. There would be no rationale to dictating that the father's new partner cannot have anything to do with the 12 year old (unless the new partner was a potential danger to the child of course, not suggesting that here).

Show quote history

She’s one parent of a 12-year-old so in fact she does not get to dictate how that child is parented on her own, she needs to make agreements with the other parent or accept that he does things differently (with the obvious exception of illegal or abusive behaviour).