Dealing with the ex wife

[Ccaarroolliinnee]

OK...been separated for 7 years, had a new relationship for the last 18 months, my kids are 18 and 21, they are happy and like my partner. HOWEVER.....my ex has two children 12 and 20 and his ex wife has decided that she doesn't want me to be involved with them at all. We are conforming because anything other than that would be a nightmare for his kids because she's being so difficult. Do I just suck this up?

The Ex wife can’t be stopping this because of the ages of the children - if they wanted to be around you they would be. Clearly it’s the children who have a problem with you, and your partner is going along with this because it’s known how they feel.

The 20 year old can make their own mind up.

Also she doesn’t get to dictate I’m afraid.

In a family court they wouldn’t agree to that child not being involved with their ‘step parent’ they would expect the other parent to suck it up and do what’s best for the child and that’s having a relationship with you also.

Children shouldn’t be forced to have a relationship with a step parent if they don’t want to. Too often their mothers are blamed, when usually it’s the actions of the father which is the root cause of the problem. If that relationship wasn’t strained and he had put the children first there wouldn’t be the problems with the step parent. Often step parents don’t want his children from a previous relationship to be there too much either or interfere with their life too much.

I agree, particularly the case with older children. It should be up to them and their feelings should be listened to.
Someone on here said something once which resonated with me regarding how important it is to put kids at the centre of these issues - "this is their only childhood but it's not mum/dad's or their new partner's only relationship".

I agree with that, let them be little and carefree. If their parents were still together then no other relationship would be forced upon them so why is this the case for so called step parents? And what makes them step parents to the child, just because they got involved with their mother or father. I don’t doubt there are step parent situations that work and are good, but here we are discussing the ones that don’t and there is a reason for it. So why should a child deal with that and on top of this be forced to have a relationship with often a stranger?

So these are your exes children that HIS ex doesn’t want you to continue to have involvement with.
The 20 year is a no brainer. If they want to continue to have a relationship with you they will, it’s got zero to do with their mother.
The 12 year old, well it really has to do with how proactive your ex is in continuing to support the relationship. Do you still continue to see the kid? Presumably this is on ‘his’ time with the child? She has no control over who he allows to see the child on his time. That is, of course, assuming they still want a relationship with you which your post doesn’t say

I think she’s saying it’s her ex’s ex wife. Not her current bf’s ex wife?

OK I would just like to clear up a few things here, nothing is being forced on any children, I have completely removed myself from the situation to protect the youngest. However, everything was ok before their mother decided it wasn't, the kids were happy and I'd had some lovely messages from the older child saying how happy they were that their Dad was happy. I was simply asking how people cope with this kind of situation as it's difficult.

We are still very much together, it's just he's terrified that she will stop contact and the kids are being manipulated, you can't fix that kind of crazy. He's a great Dad who is always involved but he's still suffering from her abuse. Before you say he needs to grow a pair, I actually love his sensitive side and wouldn't want to change that about him.

Because they are important to him and he wants to share that with me and I'd like that too.

Just seen the error in my post...sorry for the confusion, it's my current partners children that I am referring to.

She is...neither of the children have a problem with me.

Yes...thank you for clarification of my muddled message, appreciated 😊

I've done all this and she's still complaining

Is she genuinely capable of stopping contact for a pre-teen and a young adult or is your husband according her more power in his mind that she really has? What is to stop him from contacting them directly, picking them up from school or uni with their agreement?

No court in the world is going to stop contact between a father and their 12-year-old if the 12-year-old wants it, so she has no legal backup, and if she’s guilt-tripping them or using other forms of manipulation they’re both well and truly old enough to be spoken to about how that kind of manipulation is toxic and that they can stand up to it.

If the kids have no problem with you then I think it's just a waiting game on your part really.
You're doing the right thing by pulling back for now. Your partner needs to obviously keep his contact going & he can surely contact them both direct, esp the 20 year old.
If you and he and in this for the long haul I think it will level out in time and the ex's supposed power will become less & less.
There's nothing more you can do really because if you are too heavy handed right now she is likely to manipulate that against you.
It will work out eventually if the kids already know and like you. They will make their own choices.

The mother isn’t able to cause problems for you with a 20 year old and 12 year old. One is an adult, and at 12 they have their own opinions. Your partner is going along with this too so there has to be more to this than their mother causing the problem. Their mother seems to be the easiest person to blame here, sorry I don’t think it’s her, based on the age of the kids. Perhaps the problems were there with the children but they just didn’t make it known beforehand so you have been unaware of any issues brewing.

She’ll stop him contacting his 20 year old adult child? How?

I don’t think she’s your problem. A year and a half in he should have taken his balls out of his ex’s handbag and be more concerned about his own feelings and those of his partner, you, than his ex. Sensitive can be code for door mat. I’d be cautious as it all sounds a bit ridiculous and he should be confident enough in his attachments to his kids to do what he feels is right without pandering to their mother.

Did you definitely say 20?! I find that staggering.

I don't WANT my exes very new gf around my child but I know my ex will not care at all if I say that so I'm not even bothering to. Why does he need her to like him so much?

The more pressing issue is not the ex wife but your partner who is giving in to her (seemingly) unreasonable demands.

I think you can leave the 20 year old out of this. They will make up their own mind. Invite them to any parties, celebration dinners whatever. With the 12 year old it’s trickier - you don’t want to put them in a difficult situation, so I would step back for the time being. However I think your ex should still mention you when appropriate,so the child knows you’re still part of his life eg “I saw a great film with Cc last week”. In a couple of years you can rethink.