DS’s ‘boundaries’ are only enforceable because she leaves all the shit to me

[Fec]

I’m so upset right now, I’d really appreciate views from anyone who’s experienced the same.

my sister (DS) and I have elderly parents who are quite difficult to deal with, as in they are stubborn and not always logical. DS maintains it’s not her job to help them in any way and constantly lectures me on not helping either. Her catchphrase is ‘they’re adults’. In case it’s relevant, they were decent (albeit self absorbed) parents. DF has suffered cognitive decline following cancer treatment and DM has poor mental health. I don’t think we can just wash our hands of them?

an example is, for whatever reason DP get very overwhelmed dealing with doctors. As a result, they either give incomplete histories or don’t understand what the doctor has told them. We recently found out DF has been using meds for a condition he doesn’t even have because they both panicked and didn’t hear the doctor tell them to try it and discontinue if certain symptoms developed. So I took them to another doctor and got correct treatment

another example - DF had a fall and symptoms like a swollen leg, inability to bear weight etc. insisted that a paracetamol and bandage would sort it. I insisted on taking him to urgent care and he had a fracture. If no one had taken him, as DS insisted, it could have developed into mobility issues/ an infection etc

cue a lecture about ‘boundaries’ and not intervening. We’ve just had a fight over the phone. But surely DS is able to carry on in her bubble of not helping other adults BECAUSE someone else is picking up the slack????!!!

She knows you will always step up

She doesn't sound particularly nice.

But you can't make her help out with your parents, unfortunately.

Sounds like all the care is going to be on you.

You can't force her to step up if she doesn't wish to. You have a choice as to whether you do.

Sometimes parents treat their children/adult children differently at various times of their lives that even siblings don't have a clue about. Her relationship with them is different to yours and therefore this may mean you make different choices.

Neither of you 'has' to help your parents and neither of you 'must' avoid helping your parents. You need to accept that she doesn't want to get involved and she needs to accept that you want to get involved.
Tell her she is free to make her choices and you are free to make yours.

Are you happy to take on the care? Often relatives prop up struggling relatives at a tremendous cost to their own life/ relationships when it’d be better to put paid for systems in place to help them manage. Carer, cleaner, helper. To take your fall example lots of people (not just elderly folk) take a tumble and hope it’ll get better with a bit of rest and paracetamol. Then end up finding out they have fractured something three days later when that nice stabilising swelling starts to go down. I broke a bone in my foot stepping off an aeroplane and hobbled round Charles de Gaulle for my next flight.

She must be a mnetter and following advice! Why should you and she run around after them. What was their 'self absorbed' parenting like?

Many many people of all ages refuse to go to the doctor or seek medical attention for stuff that they should do.

I can see that you feel responsible for them and that you want them to have good care. However they are not actually your responsibility and if at the end of the day they had put their foot down and refused to see a doctor you are not legally in a position to make them,

You can of course apply a lot of persuasion, pressure and coercion, but not everybody wants to do that.

Taking on responsibility for elderly parents is a bit like taking on responsibility for a three year old. They aren't going to want to do what you want all the time and frankly it's a lot of hassle to make them.

I can completely see why your sister has walked away. This is literally the definition of boundaries.

My parents are 77 & 80 and every stubborn about medical things. Mum broke her arm and didn't seek medical attention for 2 weeks, even though the extent of the bruising made it obviously broken to me.

I did take the view that she's an adult and those decisions are for her though.

I don’t think we can just wash our hands of them?

Maybe she does. You think your decisions are right and hers are wrong and therefore you blame her. But her decisions only need to be right for her.

My brother doesn't do anything. He has his reasons. I do what I believe is right, I have mine. Stop focusing on her and start focusing on how to get support.

This was my thinking exactly. My mum was highly abusive towards me as a child but very loving and caring towards my sister who was much younger. Because she was younger and because I shielded her from the worst of it when she got older she didn't remember any of the awful times. Your experience of them being decent parents may not be the same as your sisters experience.

Your sisters decision on where to place her boundaries only affects you because you've decided you're going to pick up the slack on her behalf. There are people out there with no children, how do you think they manage? It sounds like you're going and complaining to her and she's trying to encourage you to only do what you feel is manageable for you. And she's done the same, you just don't agree with her.

What would happen to them if she was ab only child? Or they had no children? Or you both lived in Australia and didn't have the means to visit often? You say you can't leave them to it but you can, it's just a choice not to. Your sister made a different choice. Your choice to step up is yours.

You need to separate out a couple of things here

She does not need to help if she doesnt want to. You might think (and me too) that its shitty of her not to, but that is her right to choose what she contributes to them and their welbeing

You have a choice whether you do. Do you think you should (not comparisons with her, not a competition with her), do you think you should as their daughter support them, help them, manage things for them?

If the answer is yes, then do so as best you can. If you dont think you should or can, then dont.

My sister barely gets involved with our parents, theres a whole host of reasons for that, its frustrating and lonely for me, and there is an element of resentment from me about that. Also they werent great parents

Do I wish she would help me, yes
Do I think I should do the same amount as her, no. What she does or doesnt do, is irrelevant to whether I think I should step in

Its really hard I know

i understand what you mean, it’s certainly true we had diff experiences. I’m the oldest and in fairness, DP were a lot harder on me (by their own admission), DS was a much wanted younger child born almost a decade later. I wouldn’t say she was the favourite, I think DP are quite careful in that regard but she was certainly lavished with more affection/ attention. I have a horrible feeling that might be why her attitude jars so much.

Thank you, this really helps.

I know what you mean and I conciously don’t ask her to help and I do try very hard not to moan to her, but if their health comes up in conversation she keeps pushing me to agree with her. I also do think it’s morally wrong, I just do. S

Not sure if self-absorbed is quite the right word. We were physically well taken care of, good schooling etc. however, both were first gen immigrants with quite distant parents themselves so they didn’t take care of us too much emotionally - I.e support with friendship troubles, feeling down etc, it was quite matter of fact parenting

I think if it comes up, its ok to say 'this is my choice, I think its morally wrong to leave them without help, so I help'

You might have already said that though.

You are in fact free to make your own choices here.

You could also wash your hands of them. Inform social services that they are not capable of looking after themselves giving the examples in the OP, and that they have no one looking out for them. In reality the over-stretched social services won't actually have the capacity to do anything about this and sooner or later a similar incident could cause a serious illness or death - if they survive that and are lucky that could trigger more SS involvement.

The questions you and your sister will need to consider are

How will you feel when the time comes that one or both of your parents are seriously ill or dead due to something that could have been prevented if someone younger and more on-the-ball was looking out for them?

Do you both have an equally positive relationship with your parents or was one of you the golden child and the other tge scapegoat?

You and your sister can have different answers the these questions.

If you both have an equally positive relationship with your parents and both equally care whether they live or die then yes you should share the burden equally but that doesn't have to mean that you both do the actual care work. You could both pay halves on providing a regular p.a to visit and check medicines and other wellbeing things are all ok.

Or if the relationships are very uneven then it might be reasonable for thr burden to fall unevenly too.

Just to say about social services, unless they dont have capacity, they need to consent to a referral and an assessment. No consent, no assessment. Been through this with my mum when my dad was in hospital

Maybe I’m not explaining clearly… I don’t need DS to step up or help or listen to me vent etc

what I want is for her to stop lecturing me on drawing boundaries using herself as an example because our choices are different

her choice is not to help them with anything know that I am currently helping

my choice would be to not help and know no one else would help them

I think we must have cross posted and I think this is part of what galls me, any inequality in the relationships favoured her, as a natural consequence of DS being significantly younger, she came along when they had practice of parenthood and were more financially settled etc.

I think you're clear, I dont think anyone is misunderstanding you

Is she lecturing about your boundaries/lack of them (in her view) because she feels guilty and is trying to justify herself?

“Sorry Sis - one of my boundaries is that I don’t listen to you lecturing me on what I should or shouldn’t do for our parents.” And hang up.

But surely DS is able to carry on in her bubble of not helping other adults BECAUSE someone else is picking up the slack????!!!

Yep. I had a relative like this. She tried to get everyone else to live her peaceful existence in a bubble, but she could live like this because everyone else picked up the slack. She would say to her DSis, “Oh you’re so exhausted, do less.” And her DSis would be like “Um I would do less but I work and have 2 kids and then do all the shopping and medical appts for our DPs because you refuse to be involved!” It’s infuriating.

She's offloading any guilt by trying to justify her lack of action.

You can’t change her / make her help and you say you just want her to leave you alone and stop lecturing you so harsh as it sounds it might be better for your mental health to cut her off. I’m sure she won’t argue.

I have a friend who goes out of her way to help everyone she can because she had a selfish mother who told her never to help anyone at all because ‘If you didn’t exist they’d have to help themselves’.

When my friend was 23 there was a confrontation where friend told her that she had been completely inadequate as a mother and then went NC. This woman has therefore never met her son in law or grandchildren, who are now in their 20’s.

You reap what you sow 🤷🏻‍♀️