DS’s ‘boundaries’ are only enforceable because she leaves all the shit to me

[Fec]

I’m so upset right now, I’d really appreciate views from anyone who’s experienced the same.

my sister (DS) and I have elderly parents who are quite difficult to deal with, as in they are stubborn and not always logical. DS maintains it’s not her job to help them in any way and constantly lectures me on not helping either. Her catchphrase is ‘they’re adults’. In case it’s relevant, they were decent (albeit self absorbed) parents. DF has suffered cognitive decline following cancer treatment and DM has poor mental health. I don’t think we can just wash our hands of them?

an example is, for whatever reason DP get very overwhelmed dealing with doctors. As a result, they either give incomplete histories or don’t understand what the doctor has told them. We recently found out DF has been using meds for a condition he doesn’t even have because they both panicked and didn’t hear the doctor tell them to try it and discontinue if certain symptoms developed. So I took them to another doctor and got correct treatment

another example - DF had a fall and symptoms like a swollen leg, inability to bear weight etc. insisted that a paracetamol and bandage would sort it. I insisted on taking him to urgent care and he had a fracture. If no one had taken him, as DS insisted, it could have developed into mobility issues/ an infection etc

cue a lecture about ‘boundaries’ and not intervening. We’ve just had a fight over the phone. But surely DS is able to carry on in her bubble of not helping other adults BECAUSE someone else is picking up the slack????!!!

I'm going to use an analogy

Many older men don't want to cook or clean. When their wife dies, sometimes they try to guilt one of their daughters into cleaning for them.

Let's imagine two scenarios:

Scenario 1: the daughter worries about her dad. She feels he can't cope and so she cleans for him.

Scenario 2:
The daughter thinks that as an able bodied person he can damn well do his own cleaning and she doesn't do it. The father in these cases usually goes one of two ways - he either does it or buys in a cleaner after he gets fed up with it or he just doesn't bother (a la Quentin Crisp - the dust doesn't get any worse after 5 years)

Now the only reason in scenario 1 that the daughter is doing the cleaning is that the dad doesn't want to. He's lazy, he thinks it's women's work, whatever.

But actually, nearly all people do better in life long term if they take responsibility for themselves. Doing his own cleaning gets him exercise and means he takes responsibility for his own environment.

Moving on to your parents, the more they do for themselves the more they keep cognitive and physical decline away. And maybe if they've injured themselves and tried to manage with just paracetamol and been in a lot of pain then next time they might take some responsibility for their own health.

You taking on responsibility for them it situations where either they can do it themselves or they might actually face the consequences of their actions s and therefore learn something isn't doing them any favours.

Exactly this! I don’t complain but it’s this sort of benign lecturing to do less / stop helping that makes me upset and caused the row today, I understand she’s made her choices, I don’t agree with them, I’ve made mine, I don’t go on at her and I don’t want her to go on at me

This is very fair and I think reflects DSs view. However, I think the key difference is if in your scenario no one helped the elderly man clean, he might live in filth, in the most extreme scenario it might make him a bit unwell but all easily reversible. Believe me, I let them make their own mistakes in those scenarios (DM is constantly shocked the tat she orders off FB ads is not as sold for example, or if they have to pay for packers because they refused to pack then they have to pay)

However, in this scenario, DP not getting support means their condition worsens and causes complications. I don’t blame her in the slightest, but when DF first discovered symptoms of cancer, he told DS as she was visiting. She didn’t tell anyone as it’s his own business. He avoided getting it checked (head in the sand). By the time the rest of us realised and booked an appointment for him, the cancer had advanced and he needed really aggressive treatment. It was 100% his own decision, but it might have helped to just know

I was talking the other day with a friend about how sometimes people holding onto ‘their boundaries’ is actually just a form of selfishness by another name. Yes people can choose to not help their elderly parents and sometimes it would be very psychologically damaging for them to help due to their history with their parents or due to current very difficult life circumstances. But I agree that at other times people just prefer not to and leave it to others, perhaps it would be more honest to just say I’m a bit selfish rather than I’m holding on to my boundaries.

What happens to people without children? well I see elderly people for healthcare appointments, if they need help coming, sometimes their nieces or nephews bring them, sometimes their friends or neighbours, sometimes carers from care homes and sometimes they come on hospital transport. I guess if you don’t have people to support you for whatever reason you might have to move into a care home or nursing home earlier than you might have done.

Issues with siblings having different ideas about how much support adult children give their parents is very common among my friends, it’s not easy to work out what’s possible and how much paid support to arrange.

This is bang on. After MIL passed, FIL became 'helpless' because DH runs to his side. FIL calls multiple times a day & expects DH to do everything for him & sucks all his free time from us. It's become gradually worse & the pinnacle was when on (our, not UK) Mother's Day, FIL called & wanted help desperately.... Turns out he wanted an extension lead brought over & plugged in. He CBA finding the box DH had put in the cupboard for him. I had constantly lectured DH on boundaries & learned helessness. Fnally, DH is pulling away now after the extension lead stunt. But he had to learn for himself.

FIL has remarried now, anyway. I think in part because SIL was trying to put him in aged care so she didn't have to bother with him anymore as he's got multiple, serious health issues.

Absolutely this. Been there, done that.

I gave a lot of care to my Dad in his last couple of years, it was my choice I suppose, but I also felt it was my moral duty, as he needed the support, for issues raised by the OP like attending doctors appointments, monitoring medications, having a balanced diet etc etc. I also did it because i loved my Dad.

OP i think your sister feels a bit guilty, or thinks that you're making her look bad as your stepping up and she's not. If she won't help she has absolutely no right to criticise you for helping.

My Dad died a couple of years ago, and it's a big help for me that I feel I did my best to help and support him, I have no regrets at all for being there for him when he needed me.

Your sister lacks the milk of human kindness and compassion.

Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about it.

I know 3 sisters who are nurses, and 2 of them push 1 of them to do all the care for their elderly DF.

Your situation sadly is not uncommon.

Wait until the will is being read, your sister will coming running then.

She is being selfish but you can’t change her. You can however change how you interact with her. Maybe reduce conversations about your parents with her? Just get on with being decent towards them and stop expecting much from her which also means not expecting intellectual input / conversational support. You need your own boundaries with her.

Your sister has every right to stay uninvolved.
You could also be uninvolved, OP, but you choose not to be. That's fine, as that is what you feel, but don't blame your sister for the choices you have made for yourself.