How do you stop being so insecure?

[Idontwanttobeinsecureanymore]

am a reg but have name changed btw (sil knows log on), but know all about judge flounce(W&R), soapy/laplans xmas santa. david cameron a few weeks back and of course the GF episode.

anyhow the jist of it is, my first boyfriend & relationship was abusive - man still intimidates & makes me feel scared (just hearing his name) second one, I fell PG and had a termination - was then told I had 'killed his child' needless to say we split up after that comment. took 6 years after and a lot of water for us to talk about it and in general to each other again. next relationship was with XH. We met very young, and he's always been a dominant type, (wouldn't leave me alone till I agreed a date with him type thing) was emotionally, and verbally abusive anyhow, we were together for 8 years (married for 4.5 thou). We split up as apparently he didn't love me anymore as a wife - have since found out that he's actually been involved with at least one, and strong possibility of 2 other women whilst with me but at the end of the relationship. I hate my XH in more ways that I know is possible, there's real hurt and rage there.

anyhow, I have recently met a new man, who is the total opposite to XH, he's very gentle & loving, completely honest with me, (something H never was) we do have a good laugh. I look at him and think WOW why the hell are you with me - (but then again he's said he felt that from the first time he saw me) - and he's not the sort of man to say it just to get what he wants. He buys me little gifts & does stupid little things to show he cares/is thinking of me like ring me up when the song he said reminds him of me is on the radio!(not all perfect thou as some of his habits are quite ahem well he's a typical man and can be a bit loutish with his farting! lol). Anyhow, he's quite contents to see me but not do anything - as in just cuddle and watch some telly, or chat and cuddle, He's a very tactile person which I like about him, but the thing is, i'm worried i'll screw it up - I always do one way or another, XH was the only person I let in properly & who knew the whole me. I seem to let them get so close then completely push them away, I know I do it, (did it with XH but if you excuse the term he pushed back! lol).

Was talking to the man last night (he gets insecure about me cheating on him - which i'd never do, and tbh it's annoying me he keeps saying about it - have told him that as well, and said back off about it) I said about coming to a family party but added, if we're still getting on etc and he said stop it now you're annoying me keep saying that.

I'm very horomonal at the mo, (af due end of the week). and prob over analytical & should go with the flow, but i'm weary now about things and getting too deeply involved (but I think it might be too late as tbh i've never had that 'wow' factor with anyone else. & find it hard to believe the compliments he pays me thou, & am worried that it will go the same as they did with XH (towards the end we were just existing together one of us on the pc the other watching telly and not talking)

HELP!!!!

Does your new man know how much all of this is getting to you? You sound like you're going round in circles in your own mind without really getting anywhere - which is entirely fair enough given the men you've had to tolerate before.

If this guy is as decent as he sounds then I'm sure if you explain, as you have done here, he'll understand and be supportive. Together hopefully you can find a way to trust again, slowly, and not resort to push-pull behaviours.

Have you thought about CBT at all? It can be really helpful with working out how your behaviour is influenced by past events, and coming up with strategies to change things. Your GP would be able to help if you think it'd be worth a shot.

Be gentle with each other. You will get there.

what's CBT? tbh i've always struggled thru things on my own I know stupid but too proud to ask for help, XH was a fantastic help to begin with - as was MIL to be fair to her but he turned out to be the same (or maybe it was me??)

Haven't really spoken to the new man about it all, have in passing but kept it brief - he's a very much happy go lucky type, but he's been supportive so far. He also knows what it's like (he told me on fri the real reason why he & his XW split up - unfortunately he was also in an abusive relationship - however that was physically abusive - something i'd never do thou, so I guess we're trying to convince each otehr we're not like the x's!)

thanks for your responce btw.

I know how hard it is, I'm pretty insecure too and as a result tend to keep men at arm's length, and do actually come across as quite wary to men, it's hard though isn't it, you instinctively want to protect yourself from possible hurt but at the same time want to get close to someone.

I tihnk the thing to remember is that not all men will be like your (and my!) exes, and at some point we are going to have to trust them and control our insecurities.

At least you are aware of your insecurities, so you can work on them and keeping them under control, for example try not to make comments like "...if we are still together", fine if you think them, but it can't help your relationship with this new man (who sounds lovely). I think the only thing you can do is keep your insecurities to yourself and give him a chance to prove that you can trust him.

Also, just try enjoying the relationship in the present time, don't worry about the future, most relationchips run their natural course at some point, the important thing is to enjoy it while you're in it, live in the present, don't dwell too much on the past with exes or worry to much about the future.

Easier said than done I know.

CBT is cognitive bahavioural therapy

how does that work exactly? not too sure the dr would think I'm being stupid or not - althou when I saw him 3 weeks ago (new dr, but my old one from before I was married) he was asking all the questions to see if I was depressed, how i'm coping etc, he's a truely fantastic dr, but again ishooos! lol.

ODM - you've pretty much summed it up, on one hand I think i'll not bother and just get rid of him, on the other hand I know i'll be missing out on a fantastic guy. I can do the whole playing cool, & keeping it casual, until I start to care about the person, or they show they care about me. not really sure how to react! But yes he's lovely, and totally not what i'm used to.

I have been very insecure in the past and clingy, wanting to know where my boyfriend was all the time and who with etc etc, basically a bloody nightmare. I was the sort to be gripped by fear if he didn't answer the phone or reply to a text - really silly and panicky.

I had to really force myself to stop it but I think that's the only way - sitting ony my hands to stop from phoning too much and biting my tongue to stop from asking 'do you love me? but are you SURE you love me? i mean, REALLY do you love me?' - come on, that would be enough to drive anyone mad.

I think insecurity can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You cling to them because you're scared they'll leave, but all you are doing is making them gasp for air and therefore WANT to leave. But if you were your relaxed ad happy self, they will want to be around you more.

It is hard but you have to go through that fast-heartbeat panic 'is he going to cheat' feeling to come out the other side.

That's a good point INYIM made, that if you are relaxed and happy then they want to be around you.

For me, what I did was focus on becoming a more happy ocntent person in myself, and learn to love and value myself much more, and surprisingly it does help diminish the insecurities! And yep, when you truly love yourself, other people want to love you too!

(I'll stop now before I start sounding like an American Self-Help book!)

Talk to your doctor, there are some techniques you can use alone that don't require a therapist that use CBT techniques.

see this is the odd thing - if he cheats he' cheats - I'd be gutted, yes, but on the other hand he'd be gone, would prove to me he's a twat and i'd go on my merry way. I trust him not to cheat - he asked me if I did on sat and I said yes I did as after all, if someone's gonna cheat they'll do it either way weather I trust him or not in that aspect. (I just didn't expect my husband to do it thou). again i'm not so worried with the no calls/texts/knowing where he is etc, (I quite like to have a lot of space and it gets to me when he's always on the phone/asking what i've been doing - once fair enough 3/4 times and he's trying to catch me out iycwim)

The issues I have is not feeling good enough for him, and thinking why are you with me??? own self worth I guess?

lol.

see to the outside world I am, it's only when people get close they see the 'real' me I guess, well get a closer inspection - which today isn't good as I've not washed my hair yet

is there any books or something I can read?

The self-help speak is true though OMDB!

When I met my current partner I thought he was super cool. He was not like anyone I'd ever met, he seemed to have it all, a great attitude to life and was so laid back, a great job, and on a superficial level he had brilliant taste in music, an amazing dress sense, a wicked haircut, the entire look was as if someone had read my mind. So I told myself he's the sort of person who would only have an equally cool girlfriend. And I acted that part. I was casual about seeing him, wasn't always free, had nights out with friends. Inside I wanted to scream COME AND LIVE WITH ME NOW AND FOREVER and keep him under lock and key but I fought that, ha ha.

Of course in time I discovered his flaws too and that he was not to be idolised but love will come down to earth with a bump!

It is definitely to do with self worth, but you need to see the good things in yourself and not have them pointed out by your partner - because you have to BELIEVE in them. Maybe you have great legs, maybe you're clever, but I' am sure there are HUNDRED of positive things about you, you just need to see them and remind yourself that HE is lucky to have YOU.

And what you say about cheating just proves that insecurity makes it's own fate, then you can say 'I was right to be insecure', it validates it. But that doesn't get you anywhere.

that does make sense yes.

my legs are to me short stumps (and thunder thighs tina turner would be proud of! lol) he however seems to think they're fantastic and I should wear a skirt, have lost about 2stone in weight but have stopped loosing it at the mo (it's pre AF weight i'm sure! lol).

I'm very academic, always have been, good at doing the wifey stuff. and can be very creative. I suppose he is lucky to have me really! lol.

I guess as well half or it stems from having ex's who constantly put me down, and say i'm thick or stupid - i'm not but can be a bit blonde some times. new man seems to think this is part of my charm thou. guess he'll learn! lol.

calling someone you're supposed to love thick or stupid is just nasty - and it clearly had the desired effect.

Anyone can have a stupid moment, we are all only human after all... and that's what brings laughter, or it should? Like when I call the baby one of the cat's names. Or vice versa.

You do have to really believe in that though, that he IS lucky, that your legs ARE great - for HIM if no one else as he's the only one who matters. Trust him when he pays you a compliment, why would he bother lying?

I know it isn't as easy as all that, it is more than just deciding 'I won't be insecure anymore' but I do believe that you can have the control back if you want it. New relationships are hard though and are full of this kind of thing - you're learning about each other too. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Sorry for all the cliches, it's most unlike me, I promise

Ignore your exes (I know that's hard) but how people treat you is a reflection of them, not you, some people say nasty things, but that's because they are rotten inside, not because you are actually those things. does that make sense?

With the issue of not feeling good enough for him, well, he's with you right? He wouldn't waste his time if he didn't want to be with you. Of course he may not always want to be in a relationship with you, but equally you may also decide enoughs' enough at some point, but the trick is not to worry about that until the time comes (if at all), for now, he is with you, so you are worth it, and even if the relationship ends, it won't be because you are not 'worthy' of being with him, it's just because people are different, that's all.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, I need to take my own advice! When I'm in new relationships I'm always prepared for them to end it the next time I see them, and am then surprised when they don't, and I bet they can read that in my body language, like a wall around me, so I need to work on my self-worth too!

I did read 'the Road Less Travelled' and that helped me a lot, it's worth a read if you can ignore the fact that it is very American and also very old, but the general advice is good if you persevere.

inyim - this is what I like about this man - I can be myself totally and he laughs with me not at me when I say something stupid. I don't mind cliches. Am coming round to this way of thinking - it will be hard but I think a little perseverance and we'll get there.

it does ombd - rings true with all of my ex's actually. what you say about him being with me makes sense as well - I know he's with me cos he wants to be - just can't understand why he does! lol. We'll work on it together, our own self worth - what do you think? I have the walls as well - apparently i'm a hard person to get to know - then again thou man seems to have the measure of me straight away so must be a good sign? With XH thou, I had the walls he knocked them down & we built walls around us both in our own world if that makes sense? now he's gone and the walls are back up tighter than before.

Will look into the book in the library. thanks

Why would he not want to be with you in a few months time? Do you honestly look into yourself and see somebody not worthy of love? Don't build walls, build a relationship.
It can happen that people get used to negative attention. You might use this approach to get people to say nice things to you. That makes you feel good, and them feel good. After a while it becomes very hard going to be with these people. I know two women like this, and quite honestly I'd rather be with someone who made me laugh.

OverMyDB, fantastic book, The Road Less Travelled. I would recommend it too.

That sounded so horrible, I wasn't directing it exactly at you because I don't know you and don't know if you are doing this. It was a bit of a warning really, just incase. But I was thinking of a girl in real life who does this and I kind of ended up directing the post at her. So sorry. 3 a.m. brain fart.

don't worry LW, I understand, spent 2 hours on the phone to man last night, and we were both in hysterics for pretty much most of it - so it's all good there - I really need to just relax and go with the flow with him.

I just feel that he'll get to know the real me and then want to leave, or i'll push him away and he'll get fed up. hopefully it won't work out that way thou. off for a long walk today, i've decided that if I stop in all I do is get depressed which isn't helping my state of mine, so we'll be off out for a walk around the marina to see what we can find.

will book a dr's apt as well

(btw I look at myself and see someone who doesn't deserve a nice man) don't know if it's due to being too picky low self esteem or what.

You need a slap then! Of course you deserve a nice man, who wouldn't?! You're not a horrible person or anything, if you spent two hours on the phone in hysterics with eahc other than you must be a good laugh and a nice person!

Now start feeling more positive about yourself and giving yourself some self worth. I bet you look after yourself and value yourself as a person, now just increase that and start loving yourself more.

Have a great day too, I also find doing lots and being productive helps emormously!

"I just feel that he'll get to know the real me and then want to leave"

Sounds to me like he is discovering the real you - the happy, laughing, relaxed, secure you. And it sounds like he likes it too

I met my first boyfriend when I was 17 and in a very dark place, emotionally. I was always a very intense and unhappy child, had been bullied and mentally abused by an older cousin over a long period of time to the point where he had completely destroyed my self-esteem, and then my mum killed herself when I was 14, which obviously I blamed myself for in many ways. My home life was very unhappy and I was basically just a big ball of self-loathing and misery. Somehow my ex saw through all this and we started going out; I fell for him very quickly and spent many hours agonising over what the hell someone so gorgeous, clever, kind, together was doing with a loser like me. I tried to hide my self-hating behaviour but often it just spilled out anyway.

One night while we were having an intense teenage talk about these things, and I had been going on about how rubbish I was and all that, he said "Ok, so you think I'm amazing and wonderful and smart and all that stuff. If that's true, then what would I be doing with someone who wasn't equally fantastic?" That really stuck in my mind and I began to believe him. He ended up completely changing my life for the better, because I could finally start to trust in other people's good opinion of me and believe that the person they saw was the real me, not the sad little voice in my head that constantly told me I was crap.

And now I am a very happy and confident person. Sorry for the mega-navelgaze, but I just wanted to show you that trusting the right person can have a great effect on your perception of yourself. You sound like you deserve some love and happiness, and I really hope you can just give in and enjoy being with this guy

: omdb! lol. I do both of those things yes. (well try to anyhow, and try to put others first - maybe I should put myself first for a change! lol)

Cyteen - you're pretty much described my life, I met the second serious relationship (the pg) when I was in a very very dark place emotionally. the sad thing is had I not have been things would prob have worked out totally different, I just couldn't trust him had ishoos and then I fell PG, and well he was a bastard, but not entirely his fault, as we were so young. we're actually very close friends now so just goes to show.

I guess you're right yes, he wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to/if he didn't think I was special would he - he's making plans already about the summer, I stopped making plans for my future (other than DS & I and my career & financial security) when H and I split up - we had all the plans of living abroad am meeting his friends on the weekend, which he's told me is a big thing for him, as he's got a few select very close friends so I do feel quite privaliged to be stepping out with him to meet them.

even.

How long have you been together?

I think it is quite normal to have moments of insecurity when in the early stages of a new relationship, especially when you start to develop stronger feelings. I have been with my very lovely boyfriend for nearly 8 months now, (also recently separated from a very controlling husband) and found myself getting terribly insecure about things. I used to think I was a pretty strong, independent type, so I was barely recognising the needy insecure person I was becoming.
I started a thread about it on here, and one poster said something about how much more attractive a strong independent woman was than a needy clingy type. As soon as I read it I knew she was so right, and have been trying hard to push away paranoid thoughts, or at least keep them to myself, and be that strong independent type.
I still have my moments though. When he was going on about how much he was looking forward to his skiing holiday, I wanted to say "but how much will you miss me?", but shoved a mint in my mouth instead!!
Also, on Friday he hadn't answered my text, and I text "Guess you are at work, so just text if you get a chance", while in my head I was thinking "text meeee or I won't sleep!"

The rational side of my head knows there will be a reason why he may not reply to a text etc, so I try to give myself a good talking to if I start feeling all needy!

Sounds like your new boyfriend thinks a lot of you, and you clearly get on well, so try to relax & enjoy your new relationship.