Anyone else want a relationship but just not ready for one?

[wiseoldsnail]

I've been talking to a lovely guy for 3 weeks - not met but just messaging/facetiming etc. we were supposed to meet on Saturday for a date but I've ended it. I can't do it.

I'm almost 10 months out of my marriage, getting divorced. My ex husband has put me through hell. I've actually been in therapy for 2.5 years and done many courses on self esteem, boundaries, domestic abuse etc etc yet I still feel very trauma bonded to my ex husband which is driving me insane. I wish I wasn't.

I long to have a healthy relationship but I can't face anymore potential heartbreak. I'm lonely at times. I get jealous when I see people in a happy relationship....I want it but I just can't face it yet.

It's almost like I don't trust myself.

This guy I was talking too seemed nice enough but there were a few things which I felt were red flags....but maybe weren't?

He did have 3 kids to 3 mothers and is divorced. One of his kids he had as a teenager. The other one he brought up on his own. The other one is with him 50% of the time. However from what I could see, he is a devoted father.

He did like a drink - I don't.

He also said something about how his brother liked shooting (animals) and he was going to give it a go - that's a huge no from me.

He did tend to talk a lot but then I'm on the quieter side.

But he had been single a long time, was happy to keep chatting to me until I was ready to date,

I just feel so confused

If something feels off and you don't feel ready you have done the right thing. Just give yourself time and you will meet the right person eventually.

I know, thank you.

Obviously being a people pleaser I feel like I have massively let this guy down too and have wasted his time. It's clearly upset him as he's blocked me.

Learning to walk away for yourself rather than stay because the other person wants you to is a big part of the journey. You have to get comfortable with this before you can move on.

Yes you are right - thank you. I suppose this is actually good what I have done. I know I am listening to myself even if I feel bad for it.

Yes, absolutely - if you're not ready though take it easy. It's a big transition beginning a new relationship.

I think I'm quite lucky as I've been chatting to someone for a few years and think of him as being my platonic boyfriend, although I'd be happy if he met someone. So it's a safe emotional outlet and enjoyable talking about everything under the sun.

That’s what “friends with benefits” are for, you get to hang out with the guy and have some fun. No strings. Best thing when you’re not relationship ready but just want to have fun. Maybe he’s up for something casual if you suggest it.

I wouldn't want someone who is interested in shooting animals, either.

I think you should be proud of listening to your instincts in this situation. It sounds like you are not ready and also that he wasn't the right partner for you. You're not responsible for his feelings about it.

My issue is I get feelings too easily though which is why I don't know if I could ever do a friends with benefits.

Eurgh...everything just scares me lol

Same here.

I also don't see the appeal of sex unless I'm in love with someone. But maybe that's just me!

I'm a people pleaser too, so I totally get how you must be feeling. If he's blocked you it sounds like he's having a paddy and you've dodged a bullet there!

You should be very proud of yourself for recognising warning signs and choosing to step away from this guy. Better to be in no relationship that a wrong one.

I was in a similar position to you a while ago. I came out of an awful, abusive marriage after a long time together. I’d lost myself and the abuse was gradual and I didn’t recognise red flags early on. I tried dating a while after the separation but I wasn’t ready. Just when I’d declared I was going to give up I met someone lovely ☺️ we are long distance (hour apart) and no plans to blend any time soon but it’s fun and it’s helped me heal (along with lots of other work I’ve done on my own).

I’d say give yourself some time. Work on yourself. Try to socialise and have fun with friends. No rush to meet someone else.

The trick isn't to not 'get feelings', it's to have your own back, regardless. You will remain scared until you do that. It's not the getting feelings that's the problem.

good grief OP

just have some blessed time alone

do you have children?

As an aside, i wouldn’t even consider for one moment a man with three children with three different women. Shudder at the thought

Actually I can see why you'd have reservations about him - don't beat yourself up about it, he wasn't for you

Oh it definitely is. I've fallen for a FWB. A whole world of pain.

I hear ya, friends with benefits is not for everyone. Some people can do casual relationships and some not. You do what makes you happy.

The thing is I don't know how i would ever do what I need to do without trying a relationship - that doesn't mean that I want one or am desperate for one as I really am not.

I just need to be able to say no to people - which I suppose I've done today.

Being alone is peaceful yet empty.

I do know I will always fall in love to easy.

I'm currently sat with my son who is on FaceTime with his dad - my ex husband who I've mentioned.

After 3 weeks he moved into his new girlfriend's house with her children.

She is now pregnant with his child.

It has disaster written all over it yet just hearing his new family over the phone is very painful. This isn't jealously as I have nothing to be jealous of as far as he is concerned but yeah...I'm all over the place to be honest.

He doesn't sound like a keeper! You've done well to stick to your values and not take it any further. Allow yourself to be particular about what you will and won't accept and take it slow. Remember you are a whole person on your own. You don't want to pick up any old chaff 🤣

@wiseoldsnail It takes time to heal from a trauma bond. It sounds like a good idea to just enjoy being on your own and take the time to heal.

It's normal to be all over the place after experiencing that kind of relationship.

I have been healing from a trauma bonded relationship and 14 months after the break up I'm still getting triggered.

Or maybe he's done it to protect his own feelings and make sure he doesn't get sucked back in if she contacts him?
The general advice to women on here who don't want contact from a man is to block them isn't it?
OP has every right not to continue seeing him and he has every right to deal with it how he thinks best, not everything a man does is a paddy or a strop or any other similar descriptor used about them. It just comes across as lazy thinking when men are berated for doing exactly what women on here are advised to do all of the time.

@TootGoesTheOwl I don't blame him for blocking me. I can understand he will be annoyed. The closer Saturday gets, the more un easy I was feeling and knew I had to call it off.

It's ok for him to block me - I feel awful about it to be honest.

Being blocked is bad but much more painful when it’s by someone who you’re trauma bonded to. It really digs into those childhood wounds of abandonment.

@beatrix1234 I have my ex husband blocked on everything for months now. My son has his own tablet that they can communicate through which works so much better for me.

I don't mind that this guy has blocked me - I was never going to speak with him again however I did suggest we could keep in touch - trying to end it as kindly as possible. At first there was a definite spark but as time went on, I just wasn't feeling it. I don't think I've made a mistake on not seeing him on Saturday but there is a part of me that wonders if I should have just pushed through and gone....but that would have only been the 'people pleasing' part of me not wanting to let him down.

Sounds like you're not ready to date -yet-, most probably this guy felt like you had waisted his time, labeled you a "time waster" and blocked you (I don't blame him, I do something similar when a guy bread crumbs or waists my time). You should have done the "grown up" thing to do which is: "Sorry John, you sound lovely but I just got out of an ugly divorce and the more I talk to you the more I realised I'm not ready for dating, let me get in touch when I'm ready. Wish you the best, Anne". If he's normal he will understand and move on, if he blocks you he's emotionally immature. I hope you didn't just ghosted the guy.

@wiseoldsnail that wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at posters insinuating he was having a paddy for blocking you rather than protecting himself from further hurt feelings.