Anyone else want a relationship but just not ready for one?

[wiseoldsnail]

I've been talking to a lovely guy for 3 weeks - not met but just messaging/facetiming etc. we were supposed to meet on Saturday for a date but I've ended it. I can't do it.

I'm almost 10 months out of my marriage, getting divorced. My ex husband has put me through hell. I've actually been in therapy for 2.5 years and done many courses on self esteem, boundaries, domestic abuse etc etc yet I still feel very trauma bonded to my ex husband which is driving me insane. I wish I wasn't.

I long to have a healthy relationship but I can't face anymore potential heartbreak. I'm lonely at times. I get jealous when I see people in a happy relationship....I want it but I just can't face it yet.

It's almost like I don't trust myself.

This guy I was talking too seemed nice enough but there were a few things which I felt were red flags....but maybe weren't?

He did have 3 kids to 3 mothers and is divorced. One of his kids he had as a teenager. The other one he brought up on his own. The other one is with him 50% of the time. However from what I could see, he is a devoted father.

He did like a drink - I don't.

He also said something about how his brother liked shooting (animals) and he was going to give it a go - that's a huge no from me.

He did tend to talk a lot but then I'm on the quieter side.

But he had been single a long time, was happy to keep chatting to me until I was ready to date,

I just feel so confused

@beatrix1234 if you read my posts, I explain that I have not ghosted him and explained and said we can keep in touch. He did respond saying 'good luck' and blocked me.

I wouldn't ghost someone - I'm a huge people pleaser again as I've already said. I hate letting people down with a passion and therefore couldn't live with the guilt of ghosting anyone.

10 months is no time. Be single, have fun and become comfortable with yourself before you even entertain a new relationship. I'm over a year out of a long marriage and I'm just starting to really enjoy being single (I have 4 children), but not having to think about a partner is liberating. Mine moved in with a new woman within a few months too. "No one falls in love quicker than a narcissist with nowhere to live " I read that recently 🤣🤣

I love that quote about narcissist's - it's so very true!

My ex husband really can't stand women/girls. He's moved into a house with 4 females - 3 of them are teenagers. Tonight over the FaceTime, I over heard all the girls bickering about how one of them had taken a pair of the other ones shoes. I know straight away from the tone of his voice how irritated he was by it.....it brings me joy inside 😂

I know 10 months is no time - I think that's why I still feel this attachment to my ex. We were only on holiday together 11 months ago - not happily I admit. But this time last year I couldn't have guessed that he would have found a new family and was going to be a dad again. I still feel like that holiday was yesterday.

I think I just need to keep going as I have been. I need to embrace the loneliness it brings.

I felt the same, never envisaged my husband with someone else. I was blindsided and felt attached for a long time. Felt lonely. But I think it was more fear of being alone forever, rather than actually wanting someone in my life right now. Keep going you will come out the other side x

This guy I was talking too seemed nice enough but there were a few things which I felt were red flags....but maybe weren't?

Red flags are obviously red flags. Being rude to people, particularly ones they might see as 'beneath them'. Telling you they have cheated on all their exes. Getting really angry at you for something that seems quite innocuous to you. Having children they never/rarely see.

Liking a drink, having children to three women, being a hunter - none of these are actual red flags. They're preferences, and it's fine to have preferences, but it doesn't mean there's something fundamentally wrong about that person.

I have a wonderful friend who has kids to three different dads and you couldn't meet a nicer person. I have plenty of friends who like a drink although I'm not especially into drinking myself. And I have a couple of good friends who hunt and fill their freezer (and occasionally their friends' freezers) with venison. None of these people should be written off as relationship prospects automatically.

I spent years wanting to meet someone but not able / ready to do it! I made the mistake of trying to put time lines on things and then felt stupid for needing longer…

You are making huge investments in yourself and I applaud you for this because it’s not easy. I too went through counselling, but it was still another year or two before I started properly dating! I was very picky tho and actually ended up with a friend of a friend who I met through a hobby.

Being alone is peaceful yet empty.

I think this is the bit you need to work on. Aim to get to the point where you feel really fulfilled by your own life and not dependent on having a partner in it. The "empty" feeling means you are living through the other person too much and not putting yourself and your own needs and desires first.

The 3 kids to 3 different dads is a trigger for me because my ex is now on the 4th child to the 4th mother....and there is a reason for this.

I can completely understand that this doesn't apply to all people - not being big headed but myself included. I have 3 children to 2 different fathers yet I've only ever had 2 proper relationships in my life. I wouldn't consider myself as a red flag.

I had an amazing relationship with my step children and I miss them dearly. But I do know that having to deal with children coming in and out of different households/dynamics can be very stressful and not something I wish to deal with again anytime soon after doing it for 7 years.

Probably just another reason I am not ready for another relationships

I think you need to push through that feeling of needing a relationship. Get to know your single self again, fill your time doing things you love and figure out yourself before you add anyone else in. It'll be the biggest favour you can do for yourself.

I agree. I have an interview today for a job I actually want to do so that's a start.

I actually left my ex over 2.5 years ago and that's when my healing journey began despite sort of sticking with him. He went into therapy and promised he would change so we carried on being together without living together. But in this time, I have worked on myself so much. I've joined a women's charity and done many courses on self esteem, anxiety, boundaries and even domestic abuse.

I've lost weight, have my own home, looking after myself quite well. I've got tattoos now to represent important chapters in my life - these are all very imoronabt steps to me.

If I look at it that way, I've done so much and I think there is a level of frustration there that I still feel 'stuck' in this trauma bond that I seem to have and can't shift.

I just have to keep going and trust everything will fall into place I suppose.