Stag do

[Hurt1ng]

Husband of 2 years recently went on a stag do.
He's told me there was a rumour of him cheating. Sounds like it was just banter. But he went along with it joking about it.
He's adamant nothing happened and went along with the joke because he was drunk and trying to fit in and wishes he responded differently.

I'm feeling really hurt and feeling like he has no respect for myself, himself or the marriage.

Would you feel disrespected by this or is it just "stag do banter" ?

I do know another person who’s partner was there as well, but I don’t know them well enough to start digging.

@Hurt1ng, this is your marriage, your life, and your health. I would contact the above person, and would leave no stone unturned to get to the bottom of this.

*Your H got in there first with his spin.
*Claims he went along as his priority was ‘fitting in.’ [Is he a teenager?]
*Claims he and this woman left the venue together to assist a drunk partier.
*They were pictured cheek to cheek.

In my view, the rumor holds some truth. I think they did pair up and that something inappropriate occurred. In your shoes I would consider getting an STI test.

You're posting on the wrong forum. A lot of women on here have been cheated on and have come here for advice, and to give advice based on their experiences. However, with the best will in the world, they will be giving advice based on their perspective and journey. That may not necessary be yours.
With lack of evidence you have 2 choices, believe him or not. While you're stuck in between, you will make your life miserable and drive yourself doolally. His responses and explanation seem plausible, but then again, all good excuses and lies are.

Only you know him and cna make the call

It must be unsettling to have so much uncertainty, but here's the truths you do know:

• the man who is supposed to respect you above all others, didn't

• the man who is supposed to love you, didn't act in a loving way towards you, publicly.

• he was willing to put your marriage at risk for an ego boost (be it a shag or a rumour)

• and in doing all of the above, he publicly announced you are worthless. Not worthy of being faithful to, not worthy of staying married to, not worthy of respect, kindness or love.

I would leave for a while, give yourself the chance to get your head together. Put him in charge of all work, child and household duties and tell him that is what unfaithful looks and feels like - a single life.

If you do anything less you're giving him the green light to be unfaithful (again), on the understanding that if he is, you'll stay because that's what happened this time.

So, based on a jokey rumour people are saying dump him!

My close mates (5 of us) meet up each week and we have great (or terrible depending on your view) banter. At times if you were passing you would think we hated each other with insults and innuendo flying. When someone was away for a while and someone we knew asked about him, we just said he was in prison. Immature, yes, but at the time it was funny (for us).

There could be a grain of truth as in he was chatting to someone too much, or they looked flirty. On stag dos, we have chatted to other women but no more than that. Sure, there could be a chance he did play away but if you are going to break a relationship you need proof or to be pretty certain something happened.

Thank you, lots to consider.
I'm not going to break up with no evidence, even if something had happened I would like to try and work through it.

No way it isn’t true.

I would sit down with him again and tell him you want to hear the truth, no matter what it is and then take it from there. I'd also tell him if he lies and you find out he has lied in the future, then your relationship is definitely over.

I could possibly forgive one off drunken infidelity, but I could not forgive being lied to and being pitied by others not knowing the truth.

Thank you.
This is what I'm going to do. Give him another chance to come clean. With the understanding that if it did turn out to be true and he'd lied to me, that the relationship wouldn't continue.
I genuinely think with this kind of ultimatum he would come clean.

If he's still adamant nothing happened I'm going to say ok well obviously I'm still really hurt as it was totally with lack of respect for me. But continue the relationship and hopefully over time I'll feel better about it.

And pop some boundaries in place. I.e stick up for your wife next time someone's being disrespectful.

Perhaps a boundary to consider might be him agreeing not to go on any more stag dos? If he values you and your relationship this seems the least he could do.

Id also tell him when you give him the ultimatum to come clean that you may have tracked down the girl and will be asking her. If he says how do you know her - say your not saying as you don't want him contacting her first (pretend it's linked-in, FB). Good Luck tho i think he's telling you the truth men can be such idiots

Apparently she and him took one of the other drunk stag party back to his cabin. She helped him apparently.

After reading this i feel like i can see where the rumour could of started.

'oh yeah MrHurt1ng, quick shag after you dropped drunk friend off'

'Yeah mate, whole 2 minutes of pure passion from me'

Its somehting daft that could have easily got out of hand. My partner would say something daft like this and not think of the bigger picture - men can be morons at the best of times, never mind on a stag do.

Hi, update:

So he's addressed the stag group chat saying how he should have never let the rumour get out of hand and how he should have handled it differently.

I've also been told that noone saw anything inappropriate.

We've had another conversation, boundaries have been set. He understands what he's done wrong and stills saying nothing happened at all and he wouldn't be able to sit with the guilt for days and would've told me had something happened. I've told him obviously I'm still upset about the total lack of respect and he understands that.

I've also told him that if anything did get out now he's had more than enough chances to come clean so I wouldn't be able to forgive him if something further came out.

I know a lot of people might be reading thinking "oh you fool". But that's the decision I've made.

We're going to draw a line under it now.

Thank you so much for all your replies and advice, it's really appreciated.

Only you can know lovely how best to handle this, despite what anyone on here might say - i hope you feel better for coming to a swift resolution and im sure he's more than learnt his lesson xx

Glad you've handled it but it's strange he told you. Silly rumour/joke on a stag do wouldn't cross my mind to tell my wife. Especially as nothing happened, what potential benefit does that bring.

As you say OP it's your relationship and your decision. I hope going forward you are able to regain trust in him and that he has taken the hurt he has caused you as a wake up call for the future.

Glad to read you've talked it through and set some firm boundaries, though I would still say get an STI test just to be on the safe side.

Update?

He just says he has no idea why he went along with it. Can't really remember that much and was just trying to fit in.
He can't rememebr that much, but yet filled you in on who she was and the fact she helped him 'carry a mate' back to his cabin. Managed a quick selfie inbetween. But Can't remember that much. Amnesia is a cheaters first port of call. Sorry OP.

And then he said yes, but a rumour did start about him. And then I was like and what you went along with it? And then I just laid into him about how disrespectful it was. And since then I've just had vague bits and pieces from him.
Amnesia is often followed swiftly by vagueness. The vaguer the better. So they can turn it into you feeling like you're interrogating then because, well, thats how it ends up, as they cant give an answer that isn't, well, vague. Amnesia is still well and truly in the picture here by the way, but obviously complete amnesia isnt working so a few vague answers should hopefully shut you up.

Noone else has brought it to my attention. Other than the stag who said he was sorry for not shutting it down when it came up straight away.
Yet he thought it best to tel you about the 'rumor'. That would be the damage control stage OP. That is slightly before the amnesia and the vagueness stages.

Apparently she and him took one of the other drunk stag party back to his cabin. She helped him apparently.
Perfect. That would be the cover for them being seen leaving together and being in his cabin together. Because obviously you'd choose a girl you'd only just met to transport a heavy drunk bloke, that she doesn't know, to his cabin. Asking any of the blokes there on the trip with you would be ludicrous! And obviously young women all over the world would help a random stranger (one who can't remember much because he was also drunk? Assuming it isn't cheaters amnesia of course - benefit of the doubt and all that), carry a drunk bloke to his cabin. I mean, what girl wouldn't absolutely step in and immediately help this poor man, who didn't have snyone else there to assist with said drunk friend.
Oh wait.....

I've also been told that noone saw anything inappropriate.
Well no, I assume they weren't getting it on on the viewing deck. Cabins tend to have doors.
And yet, there is a rumor. How strange such a rumor started when absolutek nothing inappropriate was seen.

OP, I'm sorry. He is never going to admit to anything because nothing can be proven. It was a rumor after all. At least he can remember that part, hey. Thank goodness that isn't terminal.

My advice, Get an STI test. In fact, even better - ask him to get one and see how enthusiastically he accepts that request. My guess is he'll fleetingly look a bit like a deer caught in the headlights, agree to it and then continuously 'forget' to book the appointment. God damn that amnesia!

And ask him the girls name. if he says he can't remember - hes lying.
They chatted alot, they had a picture together, she helped him carry his mate (apparantly). They were on a cruise and all partying together. He would have got her name. If he says he can't remember her name, that she was just 'some random girl', well, i'm sorry, but thats a huge giveaway.