Feeling a bit off with a guy and he books a holiday

[presto32]

So I've been seeing a guy for the past 6 months, and he's really nice and we seem to be getting along.
But I've been having a bit of doubt and not sure if I'm so keen to see him anymore. So I've been a bit distant.
He's pushing to go on holiday, and I haven't decided whether to go and told him I'm not keen as money is tight (which is true)
I saw him last week and he surprised me by booking us a surprise holiday for 2 nights. It's really annoyed me tbh as 1- he didn't ask me 2 - I told him I don't like surprises

AIBU to not go? I guess it's quite a lot of money but I feel annoyed as he didn't ask me and I don't really want to go?

Well, if nothing else, it’s clarified this relationship isn’t working for you…

The key here is that old saw: communication.
If you don't want to go, just say so. Tell him it's not working for you and that you have prior plans (this could just be lying in the bath but all you have to say is PLANS; don't elaborate)
If you want to go on this mini-break but it's out of your budget, TELL him. Maybe he'll surprise you again by saying that it's his treat b/c he wants to be with you!

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to but I wonder is he trying to woo you and is being kind by paying. It might not be a bad thing to see how it goes and then you could break it off if it doesn’t work out??

Sorry I should have clarified, he did say it's a treat

You're right, if I was keen on the relationship, I guess I would have been so grateful and happy.
But instead, I feel annoyed

This is not the first time he's surprised me by booking something and at the time I was annoyed and told him I didn't like surprises.
And now he's done it again and it's just annoyed me massively

I've had this before. Turns out he was controlling. What else is making you feel unsure? Your feelings matter too.

He doesn't respect you at all, he won't even listen to basic communication, you've told him you don't like surprises and he's already tried to surprise you twice in 6 months.
Dump him and tell him why.

Interesting, his ex wife is not letting him see the children at all because she said he's controlling. He obviously denies this massively but now I'm wondering.

It's a massive red flag to me that she's not allowing access at all.

That's a great point. The best part was when he was telling me about the surprise holiday is he started it by saying "I know you don't like surprises but... tada!"

Exactly, " I know you don't like it " basically saying he doesn't care about the boundary you've made, what he wants is more important.
His ex wife has no reason to lie about his behavioir, I'd throw this one back he obviously has a control issue and refuses to see he is a problem.

I wouldn't exactly call two nights a holiday, it's a weekend away. But that's still too long to spend with a controlling twat so you probably shouldn't go.

Thanks all, I am a massive people pleaser and really struggle to say no to people and was wondering whether I was being unreasonable to not want to go

Yeah, I think this is a sign of his controlling nature, but dressed up as a special treat so that you look like an arse if you call him out on it. I think it is time to call it a day on this one.

This is what men like him sense and what they look for in a relationship. It is great that you have recognised this and are taking a stand, but maybe it is also something to work on so that you don't end up with someone similar in the future?

Thanks @sonjadog you are 100% correct. I definitely need to be more firm on my boundaries.

Your people-pleasing tendencies are exactly what drew him to you.

End the relationship - I wouldn't mention his ex while dumping him, though.

Then have a look at why you are a people pleaser and what you can do about it.

I dated someone like this and it was about them being in control.

He probably knows you’re having doubts and so he’s making plans ahead keep you seeing him and hoping you won’t gets ‘bad guy’ who ends it when he’s got this treat lined up.

Can I dump him by text or do I have to do it in person / phone? 🤔

I think text is fine after six months.

This reminds me of the time I was planning a trip with a chap I'd been dating for two or three months. I told him I didn't mind where we went or whether it was two or three nights, but I didn't want to be back late on Sunday night, I didn't want to fly from Stansted and I didn't want to spend more than £300 (this was about 15 years ago). Needless to say he ignored all three requests.

The trip was awful - he wanted to control everything and spent the entire weekend walking three paces ahead of me - and we split up the moment we got back.

By text is fine imo.

presto32 · Today 19:21
Joy69 · Today 19:15

I've had this before. Turns out he was controlling. What else is making you feel unsure? Your feelings matter too.
Interesting, his ex wife is not letting him see the children at all because she said he's controlling. He obviously denies this massively but now I'm wondering.

It's a massive red flag to me that she's not allowing access at all

Same situation. Turned out a restraining order was in place. Be careful with compliments that are followed up with a BUT. Remember you were perfect at the beginning & haven't changed. Take care

A text is absolutely fine in these circumstances.

And, more importantly, best for you.

Yeah I know i wouldn't enjoy myself on there so better to just call it a day now