husband cheating or not opinion please

[speyside]

bare with me Im new in brief my husband of 30 years has been seeing on and off a woman from large office he used to work in where he was senior she in dept that liased with him
first time I found out was 7/8 years ago when he grabbed phone away from me when i saw message and he lied about who it was and then year or so later saw message he sent from ambulance when he was on way to hospital when I'm following to care for him - he was cancelling meeting with her for the following day.
I found out last year he'd called her and told him he was betraying my trust and he then said he wasn't seeing her. Then recently I saw he'd called her number and he lied and said he hadnt but he had dinner with her recently when he stayed in London and lied to me what he was doing. Again saw it on phone message thanking for dinner - told him he can check my phone anytime i am transparent
I have No problem with male female relationships by the way I have them platonic ones but I don't meet up with them alone
But why the secret ?
he goes to town every 6 weeks or so I don't know how regularly he sees her I only know when I've caught him out like recently
It makes me wonder has he been living a parallel life why doesnt she say include your wife ?
I have her number from his phone and want to call her to see if they have had a sexual relationship and how does she know one of his grown up children makes me think my husband has included her in some social event with them. That's very offensive.
what do you think I should do I feel betrayed by him. and very angry I ve looked after him through bad times.
should I forget it and move on & the turmoil involved in it is huge but i am angry.

Would it not be simpler to just ask him?

She has. He lied.

OP, it doesn't look good. How is your relationship generally? If you have definitive proof of an ongoing affair what would you do?

@SpringerFall well when he's got a history of lying to her about this woman and covering up that he's meeting/chatting to her, I highly doubt he's about to be honest

But I also think that should give you your answer OP

If he won’t admit to having sex, what makes you think she will?

Seems as if he likes the idea of having a secret friend. Whether she's just a friend or whether she's something more is a moot point really because the important thing here is that he's keeping stuff from you and lying. You deserve more than that. Relationships are built upon trust.
It's interesting that you discovered the message from him during the period of the ambulance trip. That would suggest to me that they are in communication much more regularly than you think. I say that because he would need to be very unlucky indeed to have arranged a one-off meeting only to find himself in an ambulance the day before.

I would not be happy with my husband meeting and having dinner with a woman and not telling me about it. If he is lying about it then he knows it is wrong. 8 years? That's a long time! I would bed having serious words with him about the whole thing and what you expect going forward. His reaction will be interesting.

Just dump his pathetic cheating arse. He's not worth it.

Jeez if only she’d thought of that! Thank goodness you’re here!

@speyside usually the things you know of are the tip of the iceberg. And you know he has lied to you on a number of occasions.

Personally I think he is cheating. And has been cheating for a very long time.

The disrespect and blatant gaslighting would be enough for me to draw a serious line in the sand.

If I had to put money on it, I'm afraid I would guess that he is cheating. Sorry

It doesn't sound good.

And if it doesn't feel good, and he isn't concerned about your feelings, then that would be the end for me. You have been married for 30 years... trust your instincts

You could try sending her chatty, friendly messages, ask if she enjoyed dinner, that sort of thing...it might discompose them!

thank you everyone I've had guests staying this week can you believe so had to put on an act. I am going to speak to him today. I really appreciate and value the discussion.

LOL at this. ^ Because men NEVER lie, and ALWAYS tell the truth, and admit to EVERYTHING. No man ever lies his way out of every tricky situation, even when confronted with cold hard facts!

@speyside Doesn't sound good sorry. I would contact this 'other woman' and confront her, because men lie and lie, and then they lie a bit more, and then they lie again.

You may not get the truth from her though.

Definitely an affair going on. Hope you're OK.

If he is cheating what would you want to happen next?

cheaters are liars so why would he tell the truth? Anyone who says ‘ask him’ can’t know much about cheaters. They lie to themselves, the ow and their spouse. They are sometimes okay about lying and sometimes they aren’t. Asking them repeatedly just makes them cover it up better or drop the ow until the coast is clear again.

I wouldn’t ask him but I’d do some digging. Your sexual health is priority and cheaters are abusive (taking away your consent, exposing you to STDs and gaslighting is abuse).

If you know cheating is a dealbreaker and you would want a divorce then go take legal advice. Get yourself in a good position financially. Because if he’s a cheater he’s 10 steps ahead of you. And if he’s a cheater he’s happy to lie, lie and lie some more. Because his happiness matters to him more than your consent or truth or sexual and mental health.

What I wonder is..... does she (the other woman) know you exist? Does she even know he's married?

I'm sorry op it's clear what is happening. What do you want to do now. Have you given thought to what you want your future to be?

Update on this I "tried" to speak about it yesterday he refuses to talk about it but before he turned and walked away he lied twice said last time it was lunch i corrected him that it was dinner and that he has her under a false name on his phone found out her real name through digging! Also lied what she does for a living obviously forgetting that I know. I am depressed don't know what to do about it tbh if he won't talk it's going to be silence and atmosphere.

she knows he's married.

How does living with this persistent liar add any value to your life? You are depressed, anxious, your self esteem must be in your boots. However difficult it will be for you to throw him out and go it alone, you must realise that life without him will be liberating after the lies and torment he's put you through.

I know this is really hard but from an outside perspective he is prioritising this ‘relationship’ and what it ‘feeds’ him over you, your feelings and over your clear distress.

It’s that simple.

If you stay with this man you will become even more hypervigilant, anxious and your self esteem will plummet.

He is no prize worth staying and fighting for just a common snake in the grass, a cake eating cheat.

If I were you I’d Google surviving infidelity and their 180 strategy. You need some emotional distance and I’d work quietly behind the scenes on an exit plan that works very much in your favour.

Elasticated trousers says it all - good advice.

Im very sorry, OP, his behaviour is awful.

I forget things sorry - he is insistent when cornered it s not a physical thing he has a heart condition and we havent had that relationship for same time funny enough (unable to have any drugs because of heart) as roughly as I understand it all this started with this OW.
Also, question to everyone - if they havent had a physical relationship is meeting up for drinks, dinner, lunch on and off for years cheating - it's been a secret - he says because i wouldn't like it - no I don't!
today he is shouting and swearing at me - my mind is becoming a blank is that normal.

Until you detatch from this rat of a man you won't be able to view him with clarity.

He's an unpleasant man who doesn't deserve a loyal woman like you at the side of him.

I wouldn't give a cheater five minutes of my time let alone the chance to ball and shout at me.

You're better than him, find kind people in life to talk to, he doesn't deserve any respect from you or any of your conversation.

Drop him, start by grey rocking, you can't reason with a liar.

thank you everyone your opinions really help me I'm still dazed tbh and as he says nothing sexual happened and do I want to wreck our marriage over it ? this morning he wants to pretend nothing has happened when pushed said he "regrets it" I quote but no apology or explanation. Is secret meetings cheating ?