husband cheating or not opinion please

[speyside]

bare with me Im new in brief my husband of 30 years has been seeing on and off a woman from large office he used to work in where he was senior she in dept that liased with him
first time I found out was 7/8 years ago when he grabbed phone away from me when i saw message and he lied about who it was and then year or so later saw message he sent from ambulance when he was on way to hospital when I'm following to care for him - he was cancelling meeting with her for the following day.
I found out last year he'd called her and told him he was betraying my trust and he then said he wasn't seeing her. Then recently I saw he'd called her number and he lied and said he hadnt but he had dinner with her recently when he stayed in London and lied to me what he was doing. Again saw it on phone message thanking for dinner - told him he can check my phone anytime i am transparent
I have No problem with male female relationships by the way I have them platonic ones but I don't meet up with them alone
But why the secret ?
he goes to town every 6 weeks or so I don't know how regularly he sees her I only know when I've caught him out like recently
It makes me wonder has he been living a parallel life why doesnt she say include your wife ?
I have her number from his phone and want to call her to see if they have had a sexual relationship and how does she know one of his grown up children makes me think my husband has included her in some social event with them. That's very offensive.
what do you think I should do I feel betrayed by him. and very angry I ve looked after him through bad times.
should I forget it and move on & the turmoil involved in it is huge but i am angry.

Secret meetings are cheating. He would not like it one bit if the shoe was on the other foot.

I would read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Yes in my opinion it is, as he is investing time into this relationship at the detriment of you and your mental health.

But I honestly think you know the tip of the iceberg with these two.

He is still playing a selfish and entitled game with you, minimising his behaviour and now claiming to ‘regret it’. He can’t claim that when he’s been carrying this sneaking around out for 8 years!!!!

I know and realise you’re in shock but seriously, you’ve known this woman has been lurking for all this time. It’s time to draw a serious line in the sand.

For many that would be looking at separation and divorce. For others making it clear that any contact with this woman is unacceptable but tbh I think your husband will just go deeper underground.

You do realise you matter, your pain, your boundaries, your emotions matter. He has made it clear they do not matter to him over his need for ego kibbles.

That is not ok! It’s time to be your own hero, your own best friend. And I second reading Glasses book, it will open your eyes.

thank you I know he’s not addressing it just changing subject I wish I knew what to do I thank you for your advice it really helps me sorry I’m so confused

Why don't you know why to do?

You don't need his permission to make decisions.

He's not going to tell you the truth, suddenly change and start respecting you.

It's carry on or leave.

Very very gently, I don’t know what you’re confused about? You came on here to ask if he was cheating. I think you’ve heard a clear message that whatever is going on between this conniving, sneaky pair you are very much being lied to and treated appallingly, I think everyone here has classed his actions as cheating.

You are a third to their triangle and that is not the place for any wife to be.

There is no confusion as to whether he is treating you dreadfully. That is clear.

What may be confusing is what you want to do about it. Leaving him may not be something you can come to terms with yet but you do need to find some emotional distance otherwise he will continue to feel able to inflict even more damage on you and knowing what you know now, you can and should protect yourself and your interests.

I'd ask how he would feel if I would do the same ... and my excuse would be the same ? How would he react ?

MN has flagged this post to me for some reason just now. Hope you found a way through it as weirdly, all the lying and secret cheating would not trigger me the way him shouting at me to get me to stop thinking for myself would have done. I’d see that as narcissistic control and would have kicked him to the kerb for that. He could have potentially grovelled about the clandestine meetings but not shouting at me - when he’s the crooked one. That’s abuse.

If he was messaging this woman whilst being transported in an Ambulance, that's got to be a relationship of some significance.
It's not a very common thing for someone to do.

It's a relationship that he's showing no signs of giving up on either.

He's lying to you OP, and deep in your heart, you know he is. The thing that you need to think about now, is what you're going to do about it.