When you separated who did the childcare until things got sorted?

[Led921900]

I’m just wondering if I separate from my husband it might possibly mean renting a room possibly short term or long term in the town we live.
I imagine I will be the one to do this as the higher earner and can probably just afford it.
But it does mean my 3 children will be in the house with their Dad. Currently he does the morning school run then works from home then we both do the evenings though 2 days a week I’m at the office so home just in time for bedtime.

Inevitably if I move out this difference will become embedded without as much opportunity to flex until we sort something out. I imagine the childcare split will be 60/40 or 70/30 to him if he’s in the house and given each of our working days.

is this okay? Is it just to be expected? I ask because it feels a bit strange as the mum I might pack up and leave it to him mostly?

Before you come at me regards not seeing my children I have the more demanding job, I aim to be there for supper and bedtimes every evening and sort out weekends between us. I’d prefer to keep as is but he knows what he’s doing, we’ve already done counseling through relate which hasn’t helped and I can’t really see us living together but separated (although more or less what we’re currently doing!).

Long term I’ve got no idea of the setup as we’d be priced out of the area splitting our assets so not sure if that’s the best course of action or I continue renting my room and whilst I’m with the kids he stays elsewhere (we live near his family) but that’s to be thought of in the future.

is it typical the parent left in the home ends up doing a bit more heavy lifting childcare wise?

Be kind, I’m already sad and fragile.

I completely understand how this is a worry. I don't think there is a "one size fits all" here though as it completely depends on your relationship, current parenting split and your working patterns.
For example, I have friends where the wife stayed in the house with the children and the husband would have them x days a week / every other weekend at his parents house.
For me, I also stayed in the house (which I am keeping) with my DCs and my stbxh would come and see them here 2 days a week (and overnight by staying in spare room whilst I wasn't here) until he bought a place closer by as he lived temporarily in a flatshare 1.5 hours away.
Would you be amicable enough to do something like that? Like a hybrid form of nesting (or even full nesting) for awhile until it all gets sorted?
I think the key is probably to sit down and talk to your husband about how this would work best for the children so they continue to have a relationship with you both.

He resents doing the childcare but our jobs and the financial implication is such it’s not really that much of a choice. He understands of course it needs to be done that’s why he’s been doing it.

I don’t have any family nearby but don’t mind sharing the house it just means I would have to rent a room for when I’m not there and he’d have to stay with his family. I’m not sure if he’d be happy with that long term but his mum would be all over it!

It doesn't matter which sex the parent is that moves out, every families different and as long as you're centering the kids needs when making your plans you'll be doing whats best for them and that's what really matters. You could do nesting where you each spend time at the house when it's your time with the kids. Depends on the reasons for the relationship breakdown. I do know a family that did that. but they were very amicable and had pretty much just fallen out of love but could still co-parent well together. When my XH moved out he didn't see the kids for two weeks and then just had them the odd night untill we sorted things at mediation. Ideally, if you can, talk and make a plan and tell the kids together so they have some certainty about the immediate future. XH left it all up to me, suddenly decided he was moving out a week sooner, gave the kids 30 minutes notice, packed s few things and left.

Oh no that sounds hard.
Currently all very amicable but no guarantees. I’m happy with nesting but just worried that with no viable alternative to me moving out of him resenting the childcare in a more permanent solution is going to cause problems. I guess we’ll have to see!

I posted without seeing the second post and was assuming he was ok with doing more care. Is it that you don't want 50/50 or that you can't see it working if you need to move out? This stuff is all really hard, but if you separate it becomes you as individuals with individual earnings and what he might be sort of willing to do now as a family unit may become something he's understandably unwilling to do post split.

When we split we carried on living in same house (same bed most nights) - we moved at pace to get a remortgage for me so I could buy her out. So those 3 months were almost like the previous 10+ years with me doing shopping/cooking for all, her doing washing etc... Ours were teens so not really childcare but split lifts to football etc. Then when she moved with her mum for 3 months (waiting for house to be finished) I had them 90% of time for 3 months.

Could you carry on as normal (in that respect)?

I don’t want to live together if we’ve separated. Hence renting the room.

At the moment he does the morning school runs and two evenings a week he has them for an hour on his own until I get home from the office.

He does find it stressful and it has possibly caused a bit of resentment but the childcare for them all to go to breakfast club is another £100 a week and there’s nothing we can do about after school (childminder closes 5:30 I don’t get home until 6:30 from the office). Before school the £100 a week can’t be justified when he is available to do the morning school run but just doesn’t want to.

My concern is I can’t see any other way of it working. He can’t afford to rent a room for himself anyway and I have no family nearby and his is an hour away (perfectly fine for staying over for a weekend if he hasn’t got the kids but not practical to go back and forth for the school run).
I am around a bit now in the mornings to sort out school uniforms for kids to change in to then I leave the house, if I’m not there at all because I’ve rented a room nearby I am not sure how well it will be received (I won’t have time to go from room to house to work for the sake of putting out some school uniforms).

Sigh- he might accept is as the only logical solution but not sure. And me being the Mum moving out puts a different spin on it really- whether that’s right or wrong.

It's not a long term solution and renting a room to live in will drag you down over time, all the while knowing that there is probably lots of equity tied in. Have you considered that you might well need to pay him CM as the parent doing the bulk of childcare and being the resident parent? That will eat into your available funds.
Not sure what you gain by this arrangement, unless it's to date others. Anyone with sense would not get involved with someone nesting as its still too entwined, you won't gain much independence by the arrangement. Can be a stop-gap, but long term, you need to look at selling the house and just accept that moving to a cheaper area is the necessary step to independence.

Would you be planning to see the kids and put them to bed most evenings anyway? Couldn’t you just sort the uniforms and bags then, so the drudge work isn’t all left to your husband

Can he afford the mortgage or rent on the current home? If he can’t, then why would he stay in the marital home ? Housing is often the most complicated part of a split.
Are there enough assets and equity for you both to buy/rent new properties? As the higher earner, you buying him out is the other solution.

If you were your husband and posting then I would encourage you to research getting more hours at work and to see what benefits you might be entitled to. UC pays up to 70% of childcare costs depending on eligibility criteria so costs like breakfast club may make it worthwhile.

OP you may well find that you have to pay for childcare. He is available to do it when you are working as a team, where he covers the childcare to allow you to work late, but once you are separated he does not have any obligation to support you & your work in that way. He could just as easily say he will do day A & B , you will have to do day C & D, how you manage whether you pay for childcare or rearrange work is not his problem but once separated he is not obligated to cover it all.

OP, if you're the higher earner it may be wise to look at buying your partner out of the house and staying there. I'd also do anything possible to retain 50/50 with your kids. No job is more important than that of being a parent, sorry if that sounds harsh, but when you look back in years to come you'll regret that lost time. Whatever your career is, employers have to allow you flexibility for childcare arrangements, and if it results in a drop in income, so be it. Money cannot replace time with your kids, and it's time that your kids will remember, not how much you earned.

I was in a very similar position to you so speak from experience, not a single day do i regret that decision, for me at least, being a father overrides all other things!

All of the above is fine and understood. I don’t know enough about universal credit to know what he would get etc. He earns £40k.
I can’t afford to buy him out and he can’t afford to buy me out. We have about £200k equity in our house. So if we split that and get £100k each rents on a 3 bed are £2k a month so we’d get 10 years renting a suitable house each and by that time our youngest would be 12.

(We could get into the merits of moving somewhere cheaper but every time I do and calculate the commute it negates he cheaper rent as well as the upheaval of moving schools).

Also perfectly fine for me to sort school uniforms night before but still think he’d be annoyed about the morning routine on his own.

That all speaks to the long term for the short term though not quite sure how it will land but surely it can’t all fall down to me to rent a room to move out and pay for all the childcare because he doesn’t want to do some of it?
Also not sure how maintenance is calculated as with renting a room, paying half the mortgage until we sell, our current childcare costs etc, I won’t really have any money left?

To those asking why and what I’d have to gain by moving out… it’s very lonely being in a dead marriage and not being able to relax in your own home. I’d be looking to re establish my independence, boundaries, self esteem and emotionally move on from a failed relationship. Nothing to do with dating!

The finances don’t work out. I can’t afford the mortgage on my own and wouldn’t pass the affordability checks anyway.

Re my job all I do is 8:30-5:30 with 2 days in the office (which means out of the house 7-6:30). So I’m not sure what I can do here especially as the financial position is so precarious already?! He does the school runs 8:30-9 in the mornings at the minute or the extra mornings and evenings on my office days. His job is full time wfh.

What about an arrangement with another parent to do some of your mornings or after schools?

You could take it in turns to do two each.

You really need to work this right. You don't want him left with the dc and resenting it and you without them and resenting it.

You stay in the home, he moves to family. You sort the house when the kids are older

I think I'd be concerned that if he is resenting doing that much child care, the children may come to feel he resents them. ( Voice of experience)

Okay thanks will discuss it with him.
just like to come prepared!

The reality is that he could move an hour away to his mum’s house and say that he will see the kids every other weekend around so he pays no rent or childcare and doesn’t have to do school runs etc There’s nothing that you or a court could do to force him to do his fair share.

Would moving an hour away near his mum make sense or is that further from your work ? He (and his mum) could do childcare, he’d have no housing costs and if houses are cheaper then you might afford something with your share of the equity.

I had a big enough house to have separate bedrooms and separate living rooms, we were amicable so managed fine for a few months whilst we sorted things out and quite frankly made sure this was for good. He (much higher income) found a rental close by but (more fool me) came round on his way home from work to walk the dog (dc older teens so no overnights) and I fed him . Worked for us until selling 3 years later once youngest was settled in a house at university (second year). There's no right or wrong, also it might take a couple of attempts to work out the best solution.

It does sound like however based on your financials you are best off selling sooner rather than later, with £100k deposit you can rent for 6 months and search for somewhere to live you can afford, it's likely to be not as good as you want but that's the nature of splitting assets.

Child Maintenance is based on how many overnights each parents have. Your expenditure like rent for a room doesn’t feature into it. You can use an online child maintenance calculator to come up with a ballpark figure.

Most parents start child contact negotiations at every other weekend then split the other nights but your ex might be ok with you having every weekend because he’s doing every weekday.

That’s strange though because if I had to pay maintenance because if was doing overnights I’d have to move back with my parents who are 200 miles away and basically not see my kids?! Anyway I guess that’s why people live together until the house is sold.
I wouldn’t move with him near his mums I have no friends there and I don’t like his Mum.

The moving near his mum idea is because he might be more inclined to help with childcare if his mother is doing the work. I guessed that you weren’t keen on her based on the comment on her being delighted if he moved back in with her.

The housing problem is often the biggest problem to crack and it’s very common to sell the marital home because neither parent can pay the mortgage on their own.

If you are both on the mortgage then you and ex have to pay it- you’re not liable for just 50%. If your ex turns nasty like some of the stories that I’ve read on here and refuses the pay the mortgage then the mortgage company will
come after both of you and both of your credit ratings will be shot. I’ve read stories on here where one parent stays in the former marital home and drag their feet over selling and the house is still on the market 1+ years later. I guess that’s another reason to stay in the house if there’s no safety issues.