When you separated who did the childcare until things got sorted?

[Led921900]

I’m just wondering if I separate from my husband it might possibly mean renting a room possibly short term or long term in the town we live.
I imagine I will be the one to do this as the higher earner and can probably just afford it.
But it does mean my 3 children will be in the house with their Dad. Currently he does the morning school run then works from home then we both do the evenings though 2 days a week I’m at the office so home just in time for bedtime.

Inevitably if I move out this difference will become embedded without as much opportunity to flex until we sort something out. I imagine the childcare split will be 60/40 or 70/30 to him if he’s in the house and given each of our working days.

is this okay? Is it just to be expected? I ask because it feels a bit strange as the mum I might pack up and leave it to him mostly?

Before you come at me regards not seeing my children I have the more demanding job, I aim to be there for supper and bedtimes every evening and sort out weekends between us. I’d prefer to keep as is but he knows what he’s doing, we’ve already done counseling through relate which hasn’t helped and I can’t really see us living together but separated (although more or less what we’re currently doing!).

Long term I’ve got no idea of the setup as we’d be priced out of the area splitting our assets so not sure if that’s the best course of action or I continue renting my room and whilst I’m with the kids he stays elsewhere (we live near his family) but that’s to be thought of in the future.

is it typical the parent left in the home ends up doing a bit more heavy lifting childcare wise?

Be kind, I’m already sad and fragile.

Your ex might accept 50% of the mortgage instead of CM in the short term. It saves him the hassle and cost of having to move until the house is sold.

Ideally I’d really like the opportunity to move back to where I’m from and reconnect with family and a fresh start, I’ve wanted to for ages. The cost of the commute is expensive but about the same as renting a room in London.
But then I’d be 200 miles from my kids!
it’s so frustrating because without pulling any punches it’s all his f*cking fault. (Not abuse but basically he barely acknowledges my existence most days, he’s totally checked out and has been for a while despite counselling etc). So what am I supposed to do.
I feel like running away.
oh well I shall have a mars bar and cheer up in a minute.

If you think he’s resentful of the childcare that he currently does then do you think he’d go for being a weekend and school holidays dad - especially if you do the driving ? He could live with his mum so there’s no rent/mortgage.

Hi OP,

I bought my ex out of our shared home. It obv took him time to buy and he stayed with his mum in the interim. He had the children 2/7 (weds and Sunday overnights).

In the short term I stayed at my mums on these nights so the children didn’t have to move. When he got his new place he properly moved out and the kids stayed there.

I still believe this was the right thing for the children and all in it was less than 5 months.

Unless it's a 50/50 split, if he has the majority of a 60/40 or 70/30, then yes, he'd be able to take you to court for CM.

Sorry OP, just to add, what would be the ideal long term solution?

Im lucky to have flexible working so I could later start, late finish on the night ex had them and early start, early finish the night the following days. Is this something you could work with alongside nesting?

kids are older now and our schedule has changed and they don’t need taking to school and back etc.

The wanting to move away thing does throw a spanner in the works, that's difficult for you to get around. Whilst my split was reasonably amicable , i couldn't bear living in the same house when we separated, just built resentment, which i'm sure was mutual. I had a very decent job (MD for a group) and a 1 hour commute and did 8am-6pm office hours, but immediately on separation i made sure i did the school run on my days morning and night (no support network or family nearby), took the hit of the pay cut for reduced hours, but wouldn't change that for anything. If you structure your 50/50 correctly, you can have a very easy to manage work pattern too. Your employer may even allow a degree of working from home (mine didn't but it was pre-covid, so hardly normalised then). I genuinely wish you luck, plenty of nice people on here to give advice and bounce ideas off :-)

My ex wouldn't even let our daughter stay one extra night without me there when I told him I was leaving him. I packed my car up with her included and stayed in a hotel the first night then on a friend's sofa for 3 weeks before managing to get a rental for us. He refused to do anything but the absolute minimum and did zero childcare out of spite.

Hi OP, apologies if this has already been covered but what ages are your kids? Any changes likely in the next year eg. Moving up to secondary etc or have you got quite a few years ahead of school runs etc? Is there any way you could make it work by staying in the house and sharing the cost of renting your h a room nearby? Then would he be willing to come over to sort school run even on one day and use breakfast club another perhaps? Have you talked to him about relocating with the kids? Is he absolutely against it? Do you know if he wants 50/50 or how he sees it all panning out?

No I need to discuss it but it’s always better to come with a plan. The kids are 6, 3 and 2. The 6 year old is in school, the 3 year old is in preschool but just misses this years entry and will start primary in September 2025. The 2 year old is with the childminder in the day she doe the school and preschool pick up for the others at 3:30pm.

Aside from who would want to do the weekday childcare he’s in a much better position given his work is 9-5 at home. I am 8:30-5:30 at home 3 days a week and 7-6:30pm 2 days a week including the commute. It’s not as easy just to say I can do it instead, and the childminder doesn’t open until 7:30am anyway. If he wouldn’t do it would have to ask the childminder or a friend that 2 days a week they could deal with my kids 7-9 and 5:30-6:30 so just don’t see that happening! Hence I thought I could move out to a room and he could crack on as is. Once we felt more settled and separated we could work on the long term plan. But he doesn’t like doing the school run.

It’s a mess of course. I might just pitch a tent in the garden. Seems easiest.

How it works OP is that the parent who fucks off doesn't have to do ANYTHING apart from pay 12% child maintenance.

So all the posters saying your ex may not be willing are wrong. He will have to do it or pay childcare or get someone else to do it.

It's like a high stakes game of Chicken.