I met K 17 years ago, when we worked together in a short-lived, crazy business venture run by a bonkers owner. We were on the same wavelength and managed to have a lot of fun before it folded a few years later. We stayed in touch. We were both professionals in our field, both earning reasonably well and she was on top of things. She was married with a little boy, I was single. She and her husband had a nice flat in Notting Hill. When we all lived in London we'd meet up every few weeks and do cultural things. Then they moved for his work and later they divorced and had career changes. We'd talk every month, visit a couple of times a year. Things were different and sometimes difficult for her, but everything sounded pretty much okay. She owned her own home, had decent work, seemed to be doing well.
Three years ago I moved to within 40 miles of where she lives and we caught up properly. These days she lives with a local musician who plays a couple of gigs in a good month in the local pubs. He occasionally earns some cash in hand with a bit of gardening or DIY but apart from that he's a bit of a waste of space. He's a gentle bloke but it didn't take long to work out that she was working two jobs in order to pay their bills. They lived in a nice house in a nice area of town: I assumed they owned it.
They seemed to practically live in the pub. It was a weird situation where she'd grumble about never having any money, then insist we take a taxi to the pub for supper when we could have had beans on toast at home. I even used to offer to take something for supper when I visited in order to save her money. I used to pick up the tab when I visited as a way of showing solidarity but it started to get so expensive that these days I tend to visit her at weekends and go home when pub time beckons.
It all got even weirder when it became clear that she was earning 30% more than me (in higher management and also with a couple of side-hustles) while also apparently being penniless. Then last year she was offered a redundancy package and took it. Somewhere around £40k. Then they were forced to move from the house they were renting (I hadn't realised) and suddenly she had a crowdfunder going, looking for £4k to help them with a deposit and moving costs. I donated £50. The place they've moved into is in a rough area and is in very poor condition.
I tried talking to her, asking if they had money worries and she just laughed and said 'Who doesn't?' I've tried gently asking what's going on but got nowhere. I'm sure she's embarrassed about how this has ended up.
After Christmas she asked me if I'd lend her £1000 to help her son out with his bills. I did and she paid it back within the month, as she said she would. She's not currently working. She's 55 next year and is planning to take her private pension then and see if she can get by without working. Her choice, but I do miss the old K who was full of curiosity and ideas and possibilities. This K just seems to have settled for rock bottom.
I've run through all the possibilities I can think of. I don't think she's an alcoholic: I've known alcoholics and I don't think she is. I've seen or heard nothing that would indicate either of them are gambling. I'm sure they smoke the occasional joint, though never when I've been around. I don't think they're doing anything heavier than that. I just get the impression that money goes through her hands like water. No evidence of mental health issues. It's all meals out, taxis, takeaways and piles of clothes bought online.
Now she's messaged me to say she's damaged the wheel and drive shaft of her car by driving into a pothole. It's going to cost £2,400 to sort out and she's suing the council to get them to pay — but in the meantime she needs to get it fixed and she doesn't have any money. Could I help?
I just don't know what to do. Any ideas about what could be going on with her?