Can I write this to abusive bully

[luannes]

I have had enough and I cannot take anymore of the
-gaslighting
-manipulation
-getting flying monkey abusers men friends to tell him they would have head butt me and worse
-Shouting at me when I don't bend to his will.
Insulting parts of my body how I dress how I act, what I enjoy.
-Threatening to kill me
-Thinking that name calling is perfectly acceptable if a person is acting like a ... (insert insult).
-Telling me he would love to break my jaw
-Thinking that I owe him transparency when he is an absolute sneak
-Intermittent physical abuse
-Saying he was visiting dating sites because he was bored. He is the most dull person on earth. However if he notices a man give me attention he is absolutely outraged.

However he is a very clever, Machiavellian type and I am very worried.

I have called legal advice from a Women's Aid recommended person who gave me some great advice regarding wording so that he can't stay in my home. Lots of places wont help me and I can't afford expensive solicitors who said they won't say how much it will cost me to send him a letter.

Does anyone have any good solicitor recommendations that help with civil matters and give upfront costs, and that could help me with a simple letter, or shall I just write it myself with the legal advice I got from the women's legal charity?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this and don't know a Solicitors, but if he's threatening to kill you or have you hurt it's surely a matter for the Police in the first instance?

You can if it helps you. But why give him more headspace

Block and never see him again

Are you married? Is he living in your home or do you jointly rent/own? Do you have children together? The answers will determine what sort of letter to instruct sols to send, but it will be just that, a letter

Also sols have differing charge out rates depending on the area and length of call so there are a lot of variables

Get him removed by the police because of the threats of violence. Don't write him a letter because he will go ballistic and it'll be too late to call them then.

Writing a letter to an abuser detailing they're abuse is like saying to a lion 'hey lion, stop chewing on my leg'. Pointless. Infact, dangerous too as it gives them more ano to gaslight you with.

If you need him to leave your home ot sounds like you can call the police (he threatened to break your jaw! That's calling the police territory).

But if you want to send any kind of contact then I'd EMAIL or text him (so you have proof of sending).

Just what you want him to do. Eg: leave by x deadline/never contact you again.

Rereading it and tbh op, go to the police. He's threatened you multiple times - which.is.a.crime.

Change the locks once he's in for questioning. Drop his stuff at his parents.

Yeah, you need to involve the police.

If you're married, he has "home rights" and you'll need legal help to get him out of your home.

If you're not married and he's not named on deeds or tenancy, then it's a lot easier to remove him.

I don't think sending him a letter while you're living together is the safest or best course.

Involve the police.

We are not married. He thinks I "owe" him as we have been together for years and he is a financial disaster since before I met him and then thereafter.

The drama will effect my DS last year in education, do I don't want to ruin it for him at the last hurdle.

I really wouldn't send it. You are highlighting all the things he did that got to you and in doing so revealing your weaknesses. Far better not to let him know which things got to you and hurt you.

Honestly how do you think it's affecting him now?

Change your door locks and ring the police all ready.

Please call the Police. Tell them he threatens you, makes your life hell, and you and your child need him out of the house.

Agree with the others suggesting contacting the police.

I'm going to go another step and based on your post saying that if you separate it will impact on your DS's last year in education - I'm not sure if that is secondary or 3rd level education but I'm sure there is a family liaison in the Police that could discuss with whatever learning institution your DS is in what is going on. If it's a fee paying secondary school, and this man is paying for it, then perhaps there is a hardship fund to help people like you at times like this.
If it's a 3rd level institution they may have a similar set up so I certainly wouldn't let your DS's education be a reason to stay. I would however speak with these people so that you have your ducks in a row before doing anything so that you'll have the peace of mind to know that everything can carry on as it has been.

He doesn't care m. Writing all that will make him laugh. Don't waste your time.

Your son might feel relieved knowing that the obvious problem is on the road to being sorted.

Xx

I agree.

Both my mother and my x have a forcefield around them that prevents them from receiving feedback or accountability. It can only be all your fault.

Don't bother writing to him. Do you think he will change? Do you think he is motivated to be a better person?

Ot does he want everthing his way, at his convenience, never to be challenged, or inconvenienced?

By writing a letter making a request to him to change, you feed the narrative (his narrative) that you need to make requests to him that he has the power to deny or allow.

Sending you love and strength. It’s not a way to live nor is it probably what you would see as acceptable for your child.

Bullies rarely care about the impact on the person they’re bullying or they wouldn’t do it. I don’t understand the point of the letter to him apart from your wanting to be heard. He’s probably the wrong person to expect to listen.

From what you are describing, this has reached the point of being difficult to go back from.

Look after yourself and your child 💐

Such a misuse of energy ref a letter. The less communication the better, that's how you win with these sociopath types. Go to the Police, report it and do everything imaginable to get away from him.

Go to the police Op

@luannes it might not feel like it but you are stronger than you realize. You give him too much credit in how you write about him; what do you want?

Police. Now.

The point of the letter is to prevent him having a financial interest and taking even more from me. Family, friends, life, self esteem aren't enough next he will want my money.

I am not familiar with UK law but what legal rights does he have to make financial claims of you? Is he also the parent of your child/children?

Maybe start by looking into what his legal rights surrounding possible claims could be

Thank you everyone. I know what you mean but I cannot find a job and I am disabled. Does anyone do Air bnb? If so could they give me any advice as to how to be successful at it?

I have looked and he is trying to do work on my property to establish an interest. He will be successful and can try and sue me. I have tried to get a solicitor but I can't afford it and I have had advice from a women's charity of how to word an email to prevent this from happening to me. But everyone seems to think it's a bad idea to send this email xx