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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I write this to abusive bully

36 replies

luannes · 04/06/2024 14:00

I have had enough and I cannot take anymore of the
-gaslighting
-manipulation
-getting flying monkey abusers men friends to tell him they would have head butt me and worse
-Shouting at me when I don't bend to his will.
Insulting parts of my body how I dress how I act, what I enjoy.
-Threatening to kill me
-Thinking that name calling is perfectly acceptable if a person is acting like a ... (insert insult).
-Telling me he would love to break my jaw
-Thinking that I owe him transparency when he is an absolute sneak
-Intermittent physical abuse
-Saying he was visiting dating sites because he was bored. He is the most dull person on earth. However if he notices a man give me attention he is absolutely outraged.

However he is a very clever, Machiavellian type and I am very worried.

I have called legal advice from a Women's Aid recommended person who gave me some great advice regarding wording so that he can't stay in my home. Lots of places wont help me and I can't afford expensive solicitors who said they won't say how much it will cost me to send him a letter.

Does anyone have any good solicitor recommendations that help with civil matters and give upfront costs, and that could help me with a simple letter, or shall I just write it myself with the legal advice I got from the women's legal charity?

OP posts:
AliceCallous · 05/06/2024 14:28

Honestly, from personal experience, don't bother trying to get him to understand your position. It's a frustrating and pointless experience. Who cares what he thinks anyway? He's clearly incredibly messed up. It would be like expecting sense out of a five year old.

Now's the time to think about your own thoughts and feelings and put any influence from his mind in the bin. Trust me - you'll feel a million times better if you just ignore what he thinks or says about anything.

I recommend packing his stuff and asking the police to remove him.

Good luck whatever you do!

mamakoukla · 05/06/2024 14:30

It’s never an easy question - do you see him changing? Is this what you want five years from now? I mean this in the kindest way; I’m sure there are many redeeming features but you’ve described a miserable person.

If it is your property, how is it permitted for another person to authorize work without the home owner’s consent ?

Pinkbonbon · 05/06/2024 14:33

What do you mean he's trying to work on your property?

Oh like, remodeling the kitchen?

I'm not exactly sure what the situation is here op. Is he your live in partner?

You can send him a text with the express interest of 'as a result of your abuse, I am asking you to leave my property forethwith'. Simple as that.

No need to list why.
A relationship doesn't need his agreement to end. You don't need to prove he's bad. You just need to want to end it.

Claim support for your disability. You don't need an abuser I'm your life who threatens you.

Really just get the police ASAP. They'll remove him fir you.

Jujubeez · 05/06/2024 14:39

Police, now.

Get some actual legal advice. Do you have a local law clinic you can access?

Watchkeys · 05/06/2024 14:45

How can he do work on your house to 'establish' anything, if you don't let him?

He has no legal right to your money, so he can't take it unless you give it. You have agency here. What stops you saying 'no' to him? You don't need to write a letter detailing all the hurts; you just need to tell him, in traceable writing (like an email or text, that you have a copy of yourself), that you don't want to hear from him again. Anything he does after that is harassment.

Involve the police.

Pinkbonbon · 05/06/2024 15:21

Trying think on it from the perspective of someone who feels trapped in an abusive relationship.

So, you might feel an overwhelm of guilt and shame that kind of, freezes you. A feeling that you are somehow responsible for the abuse, a guilt about removing him from your home because perhaps he has no where to go. A fear of upending the lives of other parties involved. A worry of the unknown of what's to come if he leaves.

First off, whatever happenes to him onces he's out is not your responsibility. If he didn't want out on his arse, then he shouldn't be a woman abuser. You are not responsible for him. Do not let him try guilt you into thinking otherwise.

Secondly, for any child involved, the best thing is to get this man out asap. Yes there is be some turmoil but, thats far better than continuing to have this volatile person in their home. After a week or so with them gone, your child will be glad of it.

Thirdly, it is not your job to protect this man from the law. If he threatens women, there should be record of this so that you and, other women can be kept safe in future. He is BAD enough for the police to get involved and your saftey and your child's saftey is at risk if you don't contact them.

If he leaves yes you may have to make other arrangements regarding your disabilities. It may be complicated for a while. But I can promise you this, your life will be better without him in it. Your sons life will be better too.

Abusive men do not belong anywhere near us.

His behaviour is not your fault.
You aren't responsible for him.
You are responsible however, moving forwards for your saftey and that of your child. There is a man in your home who has made threats on your life. Go.to.the.police.

tribpot · 05/06/2024 15:28

So the purpose of the email is not to put in any of this detail about what an awful person he is (definitely don't do that) but simply to create an audit trail, i.e.:

I am writing to confirm that I do not wish you do xyz work on my house. I do not consent to this.

So that when he later uses the work to put a claim on your house you have evidence that you didn't consent to it.

Did the charity explain what would happen if he went ahead and did the work anyway, could his solicitor take that as evidence you changed your mind after sending the email?

Hadalifeonce · 05/06/2024 15:34

If it is your home, and he is threatening physical violence, why would you not call the police to have him removed?

category12 · 05/06/2024 16:32

luannes · 05/06/2024 14:26

I have looked and he is trying to do work on my property to establish an interest. He will be successful and can try and sue me. I have tried to get a solicitor but I can't afford it and I have had advice from a women's charity of how to word an email to prevent this from happening to me. But everyone seems to think it's a bad idea to send this email xx

Haven't you posted this before?

I don't understand why you won't get the police involved.

BMW6 · 05/06/2024 21:49

What type of work is he trying to do on your property?

How long did he live with you?

Was he paying towards mortgage?

Did he pay for any house repairs?

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/06/2024 22:08

Please please contact your local police and speak to the domestic abuse specialists there.

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