How do I protect my sister from him?

[JumpinJumping]

I’ve been at hospital all night with my sister (28) for mental health support. Things are really bad, she can barely talk, is staring straight ahead won’t make eye contact, cannot even eat or drink without one of us spoon feeding her. She hasn’t showered in weeks and has left her job. It’s like her whole body has shut down. She tried to commit suicide and talks about dying every day.

This has been caused by a relationship breakdown that’s lasted over 10 years. 10 years ago at 18, she dated this guy for 6 years. They split up just before Covid. Since then it’s been on/off the past 4 years and they will spend time together for a few months before he tells her he isn’t “feeling it anymore”. They will then break up, she will start to move on, we support her- he then comes back promising x, y and z before then again telling her she isn’t the one weeks later. For some reason she won’t block him and give him the boot, so he just comes and leaves (literally) as he likes. He’s had relationships over this ten years between her, she’s sat pretty much waiting.

This last time has been awful. They got back together, he said they could finally settle down after all these years have babies etc. they weren’t using contraception. My sister gets pregnant and is delighted, she wants to be a mum. He then goes immediately cold. Tells sister that timing is bad for him and he can’t do it. Tells her that if she has an abortion, they can try again in a year when he’s got his job promotion and they’ve found a place together. She has the abortion, and he goes with her. Three weeks later, he tells her that he doesn’t feel it with her again and that he “doesn’t know why” but doesn’t want her.

Her self confidence is shot. My sister is a public speaker for a charity, she talks to 1000’s of people on stage at conferences- since all this happened she says she feels scared now to even go to the shop. I’m so sad she’s wasted her 20’s on this loser but I’m so scared of him coming back and messing with her head and her losing anymore time on him. I’m terrified she will take her own life because she feels not good enough.

I just don’t know, does anyone have any advice?

You need to focus on the nervous breakdown she’s having. Forget him, doesn’t sound like he’s going to be around while she’s practically catatonic anyway.

Focus on her mental health issues and getting -preferably - inpatient treatment.

This is so sad op, I hope she finally gets the help she needs and is one day strong enough to say no to him. All you can be is support, but make sure you look after yourself too. 💐

5 weeks before the abortion, my sister was in Miami doing a talk to over 1000 people on a stage. She’s never had issues with suicidal thoughts and been in this way before. The only thing that has linked this has been the relationship breakdown and I do think, if he would just leave her alone- he’s said he doesn’t want her, fine. Then she would have the opportunity to move on.

it’s just so hard as a close family member

She needs eithet nhs mental health support/or private MH support/counselling. Awful situation. What a bastard, he knows exactly what hes doing here.

Could the hormonal shifts of going from pregnant to not, suddenly; have contributed to severe depression like this?

Males and females have equal risk of depression until puberty, when it becomes more common in women - due to hormonal fluctuations. This is a big hormonal shift.

Then it's coupled with all the pain he's repeatedly putting her through.

But I think the hormonal shift could have triggered the severity of the depression/anxiety.

Other examples of pregnancy/hormonal related episodes (probably not the right word but I'm not sure what is the right word) are things like antenatal depression, PND and post partum psychosis.

It could be a big factor. It wouldn't necessarily happen immediately.

All the general pain and trauma is obviously contributing too.

Do you have access to her phone while she is catatonic? Can you block him, but not tell her?

Would that be an option?

What is he like (other than the arsehole we can see)? Could you talk to him and ask him to leave her alone?

This must be so hard for you, I'm sorry.

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/the-british-journal-of-psychiatry/article/abs/psychological-complications-of-therapeutic-abortion/AFA6339B0CF5A4EFB646871D0A14F5BF

Younger women are more inclined to have depression and anxiety following a termination.

(Psychosis is also possible but pretty rare).

I would have your sister move in with you or another family member, if she lives alone.

An episode of severe depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts ...is not the time for her to be living alone. Company and support is very important. She's left her job so she's not tied anywhere geographically at the moment.

Is it possible to speak to her ex employer and see if she could have a sabbatical or similar rather than leaving totally. With her permission, they could be told she is suffering an episode of depression due to events in her personal life; If they are a charity, they might be more understanding (?!)
Then she might have work and structure to return to when she's ready. And she found t be unemployed.

Or perhaps a total change might suit her, I don't know.

Your sister is in a serious mental health crisis right now. That takes priority over everything else. Her recovery should be the most important thing right now. I agree that she needs inpatient care and needs to be somewhere safe where he can't contact her.

When she gets well, she has a lot of work ahead of her, and it's important that her family knows it's going to be a long journey.

Because although yes, the (ex) boyfriend is a horrible guy, I'm going to be clear here. He is not responsible for your sisters mental health breakdown. He didn't cause this to happen. She did.
Your sister is not doing anything to protect herself from a situation which is incredibly damaging to her. For some reason, she is incapable of standing up for herself, setting and enforcing boundaries, recognising attempts at manipulation when they are happening right in front of her, protecting her own wellbeing, making her own decisions without being manipulated, seeing and recognising recurring patterns, following rational thinking rather than reacting to her emotions of the moment, ...

This guy is just one of many idiots who go around messing with the heart of any woman that will let him. The problem is your sister willingly lets him, time and time again. So you may be able to block him, or talk to him and make him see he needs to leave your sister alone. And when he's gone, the next idiot can come and take his place. There will always be more of them.
You can't shelter your sister and make sure she never meets another guy like this. You can't even make sure her ex never contacts her again. The onyl way to protect her, is to make sure she loves and respects herself enough to protect herself. And that's something she needs to realise and work on, on her own. There are a lot of skills, basic adulthood skills, that your sister is lacking, if she let things get this far. And without these skills, she's going to keep running into the same situations. Because most of us women have encountered men like him in our past. And most of us, the ones who respect ourselves, run the other way when we do. That's how you stay safe.

He is not to blame for this, she needs to take responsibility for herself and do things to fix her, no one else can help or be blamed

She will have to block him or stop contacting him (I don't know if she does after the breakups) herself.

That is something that will have to come in time, for her/by her.

(You could block him but they'll just get in touch another way sooner or later if she doesn't have the decision herself and stick to it. She also needs to move away from her "one-itis" re. him and get interested in the other million men in the world. That is clearly something - since she hasn't dated others but has just waited when he broke up with her - that is a long-term issue in her personality, that needs addressed in counselling.

It seems like just helping get her through this episode of severe depression and anxiety is the priority at the moment. Those would have to come after.

He is not to blame for this

Now, that's blatantly not entirely true.

He went along with/encouraged her to have unprotected sex, said he was ready for a family with her....then said he wanted her to have an abortion (and implied that they'd try again at a later time), then dumped her.

That's not behaviour of integrity in anyone's book.

However, only the op's sister can stop him from repeating similar behaviour with her.

and implied that they'd try again at a later time), then dumped her.

I'd add that I used to frequent a forum populated largely of young men, and this strategy was touted repeatedly when a poster didn't want to become a father with a pregnant girlfriend (often one he didn't see as long-term).

He was advised to say "now is not the right time, but we'll have kids later", then after she'd had the termination; end the relationship. This was mainly because, they were advised, if they dumped her there and then , she'd possibly continue the pregnancy and they'd have zero control, and be caught for CM and life-long fatherhood when the baby arrived.

They found the best strategy to achieve the termination was my pretend the relationship would continue and pretend there would be other babies in future, then dump when they were off the hook, as such.

Delightful behaviour.

And a strategy that sociopaths like this guy, falls back onto as naturally as breathing.

He's a gold plated twat but as long as your sister keeps opening the door, he will keep coming in. I must say you have been very patient dealing with all the comings and goings but I must also say that I'm afraid j would thrown the towel in years ago. Once she recovers from her current state you need to very firm with her and tell her if she let's him in once again, you will let yourself out.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to kind.
I know this because I have a close family member with addictions who refuses to seek help

He sounds like a monster. He's destroyed her.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/my-post-abortion-trauma/

This is a relevant (and short) blog.

The writer also left her job, experienced depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts etc.

It's probably not uncommon.
It's a huge hormonal and physiological change, before you even get into the emotional side.

I'd ask her permission to message him from her phone: 'you are never ever to contact me again, do you understand that. Ever. If you do, I will involve the police'. Then block him on everything.

It seems she may be amenable to that atm.

Then just focus on getting her well again.