How do I protect my sister from him?

[JumpinJumping]

I’ve been at hospital all night with my sister (28) for mental health support. Things are really bad, she can barely talk, is staring straight ahead won’t make eye contact, cannot even eat or drink without one of us spoon feeding her. She hasn’t showered in weeks and has left her job. It’s like her whole body has shut down. She tried to commit suicide and talks about dying every day.

This has been caused by a relationship breakdown that’s lasted over 10 years. 10 years ago at 18, she dated this guy for 6 years. They split up just before Covid. Since then it’s been on/off the past 4 years and they will spend time together for a few months before he tells her he isn’t “feeling it anymore”. They will then break up, she will start to move on, we support her- he then comes back promising x, y and z before then again telling her she isn’t the one weeks later. For some reason she won’t block him and give him the boot, so he just comes and leaves (literally) as he likes. He’s had relationships over this ten years between her, she’s sat pretty much waiting.

This last time has been awful. They got back together, he said they could finally settle down after all these years have babies etc. they weren’t using contraception. My sister gets pregnant and is delighted, she wants to be a mum. He then goes immediately cold. Tells sister that timing is bad for him and he can’t do it. Tells her that if she has an abortion, they can try again in a year when he’s got his job promotion and they’ve found a place together. She has the abortion, and he goes with her. Three weeks later, he tells her that he doesn’t feel it with her again and that he “doesn’t know why” but doesn’t want her.

Her self confidence is shot. My sister is a public speaker for a charity, she talks to 1000’s of people on stage at conferences- since all this happened she says she feels scared now to even go to the shop. I’m so sad she’s wasted her 20’s on this loser but I’m so scared of him coming back and messing with her head and her losing anymore time on him. I’m terrified she will take her own life because she feels not good enough.

I just don’t know, does anyone have any advice?

Harshly put but true in some aspects.
She needs to block him and not be contactable nor contact him. He sounds manipulative and will want to string her along and keep her dependent on him, and she is the only one who can stop this from happening.
However she does need some counselling following her termination to come to terms with everything. And kept away from men for now. She is vulnerable and needs to focus on herself and her wellbeing, not getting into s rebound relationship.
You sound like a great sister OP.

He's been messing her around for 10 years.

No matter how unpopular it is to say she is letting him

I don't think the abortion has caused this. Please stop pushing a weird anti-choice agenda.
I imagine her mental health crisis was most likely caused by the appalling treatment from her "partner". Although being told they're TTC then being coerced into an unwanted abortion probably didn't help

You can't shelter your sister and make sure she never meets another guy like this. You can't even make sure her ex never contacts her again. The onyl way to protect her, is to make sure she loves and respects herself enough to protect herself. And that's something she needs to realise and work on, on her own.

This!

Sadly the confident public persona your sister presented was in stark contrast to her private struggles. She is where she needs to be and hopefully in time she will feel strong enough to work through her issues. Her ex doesn’t have magical powers but he is a trigger for deep seated issues only your sister can heal from.

I’m sorry this has happened.

I knew someone would say something like this.

If you read my posts properly, you will see that I have referred to a range of things that could have contributed to her mh crisis, including his behaviour/the relationship.

I have also referred to birth/PND, as well as terminations ...in terms of huge hormonal changes that sometimes trigger depression, anxiety and psychosis in women. Am I somehow anti birth as well as anti choice lol?

The severity of her symptoms suggested that might be a major factor.

That has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the debate around terminations.

You are the one bringing that in, with zero need whatsoever.

I was trying, from real life experience and observation, to help the op with possible factors and therefore appropriate approaches. That is all.

And she has allowed him to. She could have put a stop to it at any time. Most people would.

That's not to blame her nor to sbsolve him of responsibility for his actions. But she is equally responsible for her own.