I don’t know where to begin with this but I’m starting to feel like i’m suffocating. Probably outing but I’m really struggling and need to reach out somewhere.
I met someone a few years ago, thought we were in love, talked about a family, moved in together. We were both late thirties. I became pregnant unexpectedly, though with hindsight it followed a drunken weekend away which was quite uncharacteristic of both of us. We spoke about what to do and proceeded. About four months in he became really unpleasant to be around. I did not react well to this and became very insecure and easily upset with him and worried about the future. This did not help matters and his behaviour got worse. He’d always been a heavy drinker but it got to the point where I couldn’t even really speak to him as he wasn’t comprehending what I was saying most of the time. He got arrested for dangerous driving and at that point I left and moved back to my hometown. As I approached birth I reached out to him and suggested we talk about reconciling, or at least form a friendship for the sake of our child. He ignored me and I later received a letter from a solicitor telling me not to contact him and that he didn’t consider the baby was his (?!?!) and to basically get on with my life.
I claimed maintenance and he paid it after weeks and weeks of procrastination with CMS. CMS even commented that he was an unusual case as he would answer all their calls and say he would pay and then not. It was like he was trying to come across as decent but then not following through. Eventually he started to pay when they said they would otherwise have to take it at source.
A few months later he wanted to see DD. I agreed. I have never wanted any child I had not to see their own dad, it was distressing that I had given birth alone and he had never even see her. We met and he began to see her weekly for a day. I always stayed with them.
Its been pretty awful mentally for me as I’ve been told I ended the relationship and he will let DD know that when she’s older. Most recently he has said he is moving jobs and now will be 5 hours away, he says he will tell DD I could have moved to where he was going and I refused. I have explained to him that I can’t just uproot my life like that and he said ‘well that’s putting yourself first then and not your daughter.’ It makes my head spin. If I ask for anything extra for DD financially he calls me money obsessed and money grabbing. He is a very high earner and he pays around 40 percent of Dd’s overall cost and I pay the rest.
I recently said I don’t think it’s sustainable for me to be around him with Dd and he needs to sort out seeing her himself without me collecting him from train stations etc and he says that I just want to use him for childcare so I can have free time.
I feel like I can’t win at all. To make matters more confusing he can sometimes be really lovely and then it makes me wonder if it’s all in my head? I’m just so confused and sad. All I want is what’s best for DD and I don’t know why he wants to make things so uncomfortable. Is this me? Am I making more of this because I feel resentful about how he left me? I don’t even know anymore