Don’t feel like I can cope with him anymore

[coasp]

I don’t know where to begin with this but I’m starting to feel like i’m suffocating. Probably outing but I’m really struggling and need to reach out somewhere.

I met someone a few years ago, thought we were in love, talked about a family, moved in together. We were both late thirties. I became pregnant unexpectedly, though with hindsight it followed a drunken weekend away which was quite uncharacteristic of both of us. We spoke about what to do and proceeded. About four months in he became really unpleasant to be around. I did not react well to this and became very insecure and easily upset with him and worried about the future. This did not help matters and his behaviour got worse. He’d always been a heavy drinker but it got to the point where I couldn’t even really speak to him as he wasn’t comprehending what I was saying most of the time. He got arrested for dangerous driving and at that point I left and moved back to my hometown. As I approached birth I reached out to him and suggested we talk about reconciling, or at least form a friendship for the sake of our child. He ignored me and I later received a letter from a solicitor telling me not to contact him and that he didn’t consider the baby was his (?!?!) and to basically get on with my life.

I claimed maintenance and he paid it after weeks and weeks of procrastination with CMS. CMS even commented that he was an unusual case as he would answer all their calls and say he would pay and then not. It was like he was trying to come across as decent but then not following through. Eventually he started to pay when they said they would otherwise have to take it at source.

A few months later he wanted to see DD. I agreed. I have never wanted any child I had not to see their own dad, it was distressing that I had given birth alone and he had never even see her. We met and he began to see her weekly for a day. I always stayed with them.

Its been pretty awful mentally for me as I’ve been told I ended the relationship and he will let DD know that when she’s older. Most recently he has said he is moving jobs and now will be 5 hours away, he says he will tell DD I could have moved to where he was going and I refused. I have explained to him that I can’t just uproot my life like that and he said ‘well that’s putting yourself first then and not your daughter.’ It makes my head spin. If I ask for anything extra for DD financially he calls me money obsessed and money grabbing. He is a very high earner and he pays around 40 percent of Dd’s overall cost and I pay the rest.

I recently said I don’t think it’s sustainable for me to be around him with Dd and he needs to sort out seeing her himself without me collecting him from train stations etc and he says that I just want to use him for childcare so I can have free time.

I feel like I can’t win at all. To make matters more confusing he can sometimes be really lovely and then it makes me wonder if it’s all in my head? I’m just so confused and sad. All I want is what’s best for DD and I don’t know why he wants to make things so uncomfortable. Is this me? Am I making more of this because I feel resentful about how he left me? I don’t even know anymore

You are trying to unpick and understand his behaviour, and justify your own, and are still caught in that cycle.
This is really common in abusive relationships, and can be mentally exhausting as you go over everything all the time trying to make sense of it. You will never be able to achieve that here, or make him see sense.
The best you can do for yourself is stop engaging with him, and only communicate through email, don’t facilitate meetings as he should be seeing his child on his own steam, and tbh maybe a bit of counselling etc would be helpful 💐

I’ve been told I ended the relationship and he will let DD know that when she’s older. Most recently he has said he is moving jobs and now will be 5 hours away, he says he will tell DD I could have moved to where he was going and I refused

You tell your DD when she's older that her dad is an awful drunk who was arrested for drunk driving whilst you were pregnant with DD and he could've killed innocent people. You also tell her you didn't want to move because you had a life a set up there for you and DD. Her dad also didn't care for her when she was baby.

I recently said I don’t think it’s sustainable for me to be around him with Dd and he needs to sort out seeing her himself without me collecting him from train stations etc and he says that I just want to use him for childcare so I can have free time

You tell your DD that her dad couldn't be bothered to drive or get a train and then a taxi to meet her.

You’re right. He will paint you as awful no matter what you do, and you are letting him. You are taking his fake assessment as law.

Do you think he would stop if you did move five hours away? He wouldn’t-he’d have you isolated, would tell people you followed him because you’re a psycho so in love with him.

Honestly the first time he said “you only want me for childcare” why did you not laugh in his face and go “Which if the two of us gets the other to bring up the child they’re too selfish and lazy to do themselves? You plonker”

He’s a manipulative arse.he wants to make you out to be the bad guy so he can tell his useless drinking buddies that you are preventing him seeing his child while ‘bleeding him dry’, while taking no responsibility for anything.

some dads aren’t worth having.

My DH made every effort to stay in his kids lives. Paid maintenance, went to school plays, parents evenings,took kids away, good relationship with ex, and is a fully involved loving parent. You’ve ex isn’t…

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Seeing it written out and reading it back I hope you can begin to see that this guy is emotionally manipulative and selfish and does not have your best interests at heart. I think it’s emotional abuse and you are best keeping as much distance as possible from him (in a subtle way-I’d not tell him this or he might hurt you.)

Stop using your child as an excuse to be around this man. He should be kept far far away from her. All of this will damage her beyond repair and ruin any chance she has of a healthy relationship in future.
You have repeatedly reached out to him. Stop. Time to wise up, you are a mother now. Stop facilitating contact and for gods sake when he moves, do not reach out to him. If he wants to see his child he comes to you.
Oh and he wouldn't be alone with her either. He is not a good man.

He is absolutely awful. A terrible partner and a terrible father. He is an absolutely shit dad. You need to tell him when the baby is available and not facilitate it. He will get bored. You will no doubt have to start the process with cms again as let’s face it, they are shit too.

stop speaking to him.

@Iaskedyouthrice an excuse to be around him? I despair.

@Mangoooo thank you, seeing it written out like that makes me realise how silly it actually is. I sometimes worry dd will believe the things he plans to say. I would never have said anything to her and was surprised he even made threats like that. I can’t believe the man he has turned out to be

Yes, an excuse and let me explain why. You were late 30's when you met him, got pregnant quickly (saw a chance and took it? Both of you by the way not just you), you are struggling to let go of the idea of him. The idea of a family. Your dd doesn't come into it because objectively, he isn't a good father and never will be. He is a loser. You KNOW this. She will be better off without this man messing with her head. Which he will.
If he is serious about moving I suggest you make no contact whatsoever. Do not offer any solutions to contact, if he wants to see her he will have to do the travelling.
No matter what allowances you make, no matter what running around for him you do, it will never be enough for him and all your dd will see is her mum doing all of the facilitating for a bloke who is a dick. That is so confusing for young children and then once dad starts dripping poison in their ear it really messes them up.
My earlier response was blunt and I apologise but you are a grown woman with agency. Use it. Stop thinking about him and think about what's best for your dd and you. The aim of the game should be trying to ensure he doesn't get the chance to cause anymore emotional damage to either of you.
You are all she needs.

Edited for spelling.

@Iaskedyouthrice i can assure you I am very much moved on from the idea of a family with him. I think it’s right a child sees their father and I have tried to facilitate that.

It is not right that a child sees a father who emotionally abuses and manipulates their mother but that's where we have a difference of opinion. This is the man from who she will learn what a father is. Not a very good example is he?
Anyway, good luck. Just leave him to figure and sort out logistics when he moves.

@Iaskedyouthrice he is generally good to her though. That’s why I feel in a difficult position

He's not good to you though and that's what she will pick up on. Daddies aren't very nice to Mummies. That's before he starts the drip with her.
I get it, I just think you are going to have to seriously consider what contact looks like. Supervised to limit his time alone with her? Are his parents/family involved? He will have to actually do the legwork. The problem is, if he decides she's not worth the effort are you going to chase him for her sake?
If he proves himself and starts treating YOU decently then that's fantastic but i highly doubt he will. He doesn't like the notion that you have any sort of hold over him which is why he goes on about money, it's all he has.
The biggest problem though is the cycle continuing, you do not want your dd thinking this is what men are like because this is the type of man she will seek.
Just remember, you really are all she needs. A girl raised by a strong woman will fare far better than a child growing up around a toxic dynamic. Actually, a boy would too!
It is so tricky parenting with an arsehole but it can be done with strong, really strong boundaries in place. You can actually look things up on You Tube etc on how to parent with someone like this.

@Iaskedyouthrice thanks. I’ve tried to find things on YouTube actually, I will have another look. I’m just totally and utterly drained by it all.

You can't make someone be a good dad, it's an unfortunate lesson that I suspect a lot of us on here have had to learn!

Good dads don't drop poison in their kids ears.
Good dads don't need their contact time planned and facilitated for them.
Good dads don't move so far away from happily settled children.
Good dads don't abuse their child's mum.

Unfortunately he is not a good dad. Drop the rope, he will do whatever he will do. All you can do is claim CM, protect your mental health, and carry on being a good mother.

Yes have a look about. It IS draining, but you will get to the point where you just roll your eyes at his bullshit.
Stop questioning yourself. I cannot believe he suggested you moving away, I would have laughed in his face. You grew, birthed and have raised your dd alone. You are strong and he is weak. He's just very good at making you think that you are the weak one.
I am sorry about my first post but I am tired of intelligent, tough women falling for mens nonsense. I have a friend who insists on ringing her child's dad when the child is ill. The dad does not give a shit but uses it as a chance to berate my friend. So instead of the child being ill and recovering in peace and quiet, the home becomes a war zone. Its awful and I have no idea why she keeps doing it. Denial at how shit he is? I have no idea.
I will leave you alone now 😊 but good luck! Don't fall for the nice guy charade, just stay neutral at all times.

By being really concerned about what he thinks and says about you, you are giving him an awful lot of power and control over your emotional well being. My ex said similar things and it was the last time I had contact with him in any form.

Why are you taking on the things he says? Do you need approval from a nasty alcoholic and if so why?

I personally would stop all contact. If you’re not willing to do that you need to block him on everything and have an email only for making arrangements about your dd. Don’t respond to anything else. Have someone present when he picks her up or meet him in a cafe. Don’t spend time or talk to him about anything else ever. Don’t pick him up or drive him around, it’s not your problem.

Facilitating contact with your dd does not mean facilitating contact with yourself. Take steps to put a stop to it, you don’t need to have any sort of relationship with him beyond handover.

You have done nothing wrong. He is a master manipulator, and is a nasty piece of work. You KNOW you're not in the wrong here, so stop questioning yourself. You're going to need to harden up. It is HIM that's moving 5 hours away. This is all on him. As if you would follow that twat anywhere. Utter bollocks.

Do not even think of travelling to facilitate contact. He moved. He can sort out how he sees her.

FWIW my ExH of 20 years, became an absolute twat when we separated. He would say the sky was green - anything - just be be annoying and nasty.

I let myself get dragged into slanging matches by e-mail and in person, but at the end of the day you can't argue with someone so unreasonable. You will never ever win. Just go grey rock. Don't get drawn in.

I would say something like :

"I'm not getting into any more conversations with you about moving. Our home is here. It is YOU that is choosing to move. You know where we are. If you want to see DD, just contact me so we can make arrangements. I will not be travelling to your home town to facilitate contact. You are a grown man who understands the consequences of moving away from DD"

And then DISENGAGE. Don't answer anything else. Silence.

Would it help for you to deal with his idol threats of what he will tell his daughter by writing her a letter to her older self detailing everything that you have put in this thread about what he’s said/done/is …. Dated like a diary that will
a) help you to get out of your head and onto paper
b) be able to choose your moment if you ever have to to give to her ?
You’re doing so well 🌸

You picked a dud. And for whatever reason, you're frantically trying to convince your child and yourself that you didn't.

Own it and stop trying to exhaust yourself pretending otherwise. He's a crap human being who has no respect for you whatsoever, and you're letting him bulldoze your foundations that you've worked really hard to build. He's the one who will have to explain to his child in years to come why he bailed out of their life, not you. Just be honest with her that he's difficult to arrange things with and you wish it was different. She'll learn for herself when she's old enough.

OP,
A good man does not abuse their childs mother.
He is an abusive drunk.
You do not owe owe your child a relationship with a man that abuses their mother.
Do not consider moving.
He is a bad man.
Many children grow up without a parent and have successful lives.
It is not in your childs best interests that you allow yourself to be abused.
Protect yourself and stop taking any shit from this loser.

Please listen to PP OP. He is not a good dad. Good dad’s don’t threaten to tell hurtful lies to their DC about their mum. (This can be pointed out to him at some point if you CBA). Lies by the way that make no sense so he’s also stupid. Believe him though that he intends to harm your child by trying to ruin your relationship with her.

Please stop listening to his drivel about you. Who cares what he says? Especially since it’s illogical bullshit. Just laugh it off.
Grey rock the fuck out of him.

It’s great that he’s leaving - if it’s actually true. Don’t try to persuade him to stay around. Tell him it will all work out into a good routine once he’s settled, be vague, don’t promise half way drop offs. Then completely grey rock and don’t be driving 5 hours or even half way once he’s gone. Let him work it all out. Just say ‘ok’ or ‘noted’ or ‘sure’ to anything he says that’s vaguely annoying. No arguing or justifying yourself etc. Don’t play the game. When he’s moved and he inevitably says he’s too busy to drive 5h and you should do it, just say you can’t make the drive either, but not to worry, he can let you know when he can next make it. If he starts being abusive, hang up calls or ignore the text and any other msgs until he is civil again. Don’t be guilted into massive journeys. Play down his potential visits to DD and be prepared for no shows etc because he will let DD down a lot.

He sounds vile.

With game players like him, I don't think there is much you can do. He wants to try and upset you and disrupt your life as much as possible, all the while coming off as the injured party.

I'd set very strong, clear boundaries. Get a court order re access if needed.

Then don't give him another thought. Live your own life. The best revenge is living well blah blah.

In terms of your DD - she will see him for who he is, eventually. Let him sprout the lies and the bullshit. As long as you and the people who matter know the truth.