Partner wants me to have an abortion

[Snugfawn]

Hi, So I found out a couple of weeks ago that I was pregnant, unplanned and a complete shock.

I'm 35 and have no children yet, I have PCOS and my left ovary doesn't release eggs so my fertility is low.

I'm just over 8 weeks pregnant currently.

My partners reaction straight away was abort, I feel upset by him being so sure he doesn't want the baby but tbf to him he has been clear prior to this situation that he doesn't want kids.

I'm however more on the fence of what I want. Before the news I was happy with my life and I'd accepted that I would be childfree and I didn't feel like anything was missing. But the thought of aborting I'm really struggling with.

I'm not even sure what I want anymore. One day I'm sure childfree is the way I want to live but the next day I want the complete opposite and to raise a family.

Also I know if he had been positive about the news the word abort would never have even been in my head.

I feel like I already resent my partner because he's robbed me of that joyful feeling and although he hasn't said he will leave if I keep the baby he's made it very clear he will be miserable and his words " I would have ruined his life"

Also I don't feel like it should be all the womans choice as it is a life changing decision that affects 2 people not 1.

I just really don't know what to do. I feel like if I abort this baby (I'venever had a pregnancy before) I'll never have the chance to be a mother.

But.. do I even want a child!? I love my life (well previously) and I love my freedom.

It feels like everyone else just knows they definitely want to have a family or not. I feel so overwhelmed and pressured to make a decision and I'm terrified of making the wrong choice and living with regret.

Sorry for the long post xx

Could you go it alone?
It sounds like your relationship is over either way. You have a baby, he leaves you (but has to pay CMS). You abort, you'll wonder what if, and your trust in him will have gone.
So the question is could you do it alone?
What's your housing, employment, support system like?
Would you be ok if this was the only opportunity to have a baby and you had an abortion? Could you live with yourself?
You're life will change, but it will change regardless of having a baby.

If you can manage on your own keep it!!

Sorry to read this OP!

I do see what you say, it's a life changing situation and you want both people to have an input. Your partner has been clear with his input - he never wanted kids, that hasn't changed because you're now pregnant.

Could you do it on your own? If you want this baby that's your option - what's your work / home / support like? Starting off as a single mother sounds really tough, but I've known people who've done it and coped amazingly (also some that haven't!) so it's not a non-option.

It's a huge choice to make! Is there someone in real life you could have the conversation with at all?

I think regardless the relationship is over. You just need to decide it you want to be a mother.

Sorry to read this OP.
That sounds like a really tricky situation to be in.
Like others have posted it sounds like your relationship will change no matter which choice you make.
I can only suggest trying to get the headspace away from your partner to figure out what you want in terms of your pregnancy.
It sounds like you would have went ahead with the pregnancy if your partner had been accepting of the news? Do you feel terminating your pregnancy based on your partners wishes might cause alot of resentment and regret for you in the future?

I agree with a PP who said your relationship is over regardless.

Being a single mother is a tough gig, and I would only do with really good family support.

So your dp always wears a condom/has had a vasectomy has he?

If not he has zero argument that you've trapped him, or are ruining his life.

The only decision you need to make is can you parent by yourself - after a lifetime believing that it wouldn't happen for you that's a huge decision, and not one to be taken lightly even in a two-parent family.

I’m sorry you’re in a difficult situation OP.

Agree with PP that your relationship is unlikely to survive this. He’ll leave if you have the DC and you will always know he doesn’t want children with you and your potential one chance for children is gone if you don’t go ahead. Do you live together?

If you think you want DC, you will need to start planning now and building up support networks for going it alone. My family member was in a similar position, did it alone highly successfully as hard as it no doubt was at times. The father had zero input after she made the decision. She does not regret it though.

Once you take OH out of the picture and think about what YOU want to do, the path to take will be clear.

There are lots of positives to single parenthood.

In some ways you have more freedom than partnered mums do avoid a lot of the drudgery & oppression that often comes with motherhood.

Ditch the boyfriend regardless.

Take the emotions out of it. Consider the practicalities. Work, earning power, nursery fees, supportive family, housing.

Babies soon grow up and become more independent. That’s when you get your life back. It’s incremental over the years.

I think I’d have the baby on the premise of going it alone if everything else that’s practical is taken care of because as you say, you might not get the chance again.

As for him, I’d leave him off the birth certificate but I’d claim CMS.

Imagine you wake up tomorrow and you've started miscarrying.

How would you feel? Relieved, as if a huge weight has come off your shoulders? Or devastated?

Either feeling would be fine, but it may help you clarify your thoughts

I'd dump the boyfriend though. It's fine for him to have an opinion but the "you've ruined my life" shit is terrible..

If your partner never wants kids then he should be responsible and get a vasectomy. As he clearly hasn't then he needs a biology lesson about how pregnancy works and it's not just down to the woman suddenly deciding to make it so. Fucking idiot. Nobody has 'ruined his life' except him because he hasn't sorted himself out.

But regardless, I agree with others. Your relationship is over op.

NEVER have an abortion because it's what someone else wants. You will only come to hate him. If you want the baby have the baby and go it alone. If you don't want to keep it it needs to be 100% your decision.

I think you should go and speak to someone about what's right for you and you alone.

I was in almost the exact same position 18 years ago.
Neither of us wanted children at that time (he actually wasnt sure if ever). I also have PCOS and only one working ovary!
I took the view that I would end up raising the baby alone as an abortion would definitely split us up (I knew I would resent him), gave him the option to leave. He didn't, we struggled during my pregnancy as I felt very much alone. To cut a very long story short we now have three children and recently got married!
Ultimately you do need to make the decision for yourself, I couldn't have an abortion knowing pregnancy may never happen again.

Do you live together?
If you do not want an abortion do not have one.
But I would end it with him. And move out- he moves out if living together.

How did your partner ensure he never had children?

Have you talked to a close friend about it? They might give wise advice about how good your relationship with your partner is and the level of support you could expect from family and friends if you do it solo (and to pick you up emotionally after an abortion).

Seconding this.

This is a very sensitive situation.
You said though, he was clear from the beginning he didn't want kids?
So was I, during the very few relationships I had.
45, very happily child free, married for 20 years.
It boils down to the question whether you want to be a single mother, something that isn't even remotely comprehensive to me.
Sorry.

You said if he had been positive you wouldn't have thought about an abortion at all, which says to me that you want to have the baby.

Can you be a single parent? How do you feel about that?

If you can get pregnant once perhaps you can can pregnant more than once. It might not be this baby or no baby.

Its fair enough he doesn't want involvement hes been clear on that. This is up to you. If you want to be a single parent then decide if thats for you or not?

Its very hard being a single parent financially and mentally but many do it. If you want a child this may be your chance

Your body your baby your decision alone .
He may not want a baby but it's happening at the moment and any man showing so little support at one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life makes you think how would he be in other stressful life situations ?.
I know that my husband would have said don't worry we'll find a way ,never would he show such lack of support even if he were thinking the worst.
Whether you keep the baby or not i would not be keeping this man .

I would go to the GP asap and see if they can refer you to a counsellor to talk through the best options for you.

This. I got pregnant and he didn’t want it and insisted on an abortion and I left him. He’s had no input and paid nothing and I don’t care. She’s 17 now and a joy

He made it clear he didn't want DC's - while not using protection during sex. He took a risk, now there are consequences and that's just tough.
It is the woman's decision, because its her who does the nurturing. So it is your choice, he made his when he impregnated you - unless you begged him to not use contraception at the time.
He can choose not to be involved. Best to assume he won't be, and consider if being a mother would enhance your life or not. It's a labour of love, literally.

How have you ruined his life? Tell him he's ruined yours.

This is so hard for you because whatever you choose, your life will be massively different now.

The only thing you can do is go with your instinct. If you found out you weren't pregnant, would you be relieved or sad?

Don't make a decision based on your partner. He's most probably not going to be there, what ever.

Good luck. You are best making a decision quickly. So be honest with yourself. X