To want to cut contact with Mum

[Linners1]

Every single time I spend any time with my family and especially my Mum I end up feeling so down afterwards.

Today is the worst I’ve felt in a long time, I haven’t even been able to get out of bed. She revealed yesterday that she had a big night of binge drinking when she was pregnant with me and when I seemed upset and shocked she tutted and said she’ll probably get blamed for all of my problems now. She then told someone in front of me that she regrets her decision to have kids.

I just can’t do it anymore!

No, you would not be at all unreasonable

What she said was hurtful and for her to not even try and understand your reaction was cold and unfeeling

Would it help to offload some of the other things she's said and done?

It does sound like you need to step back from her and put yourself first. I hope you have some support around you

Then don't live with it anymore. I moved 300 miles away to get away from my highly abusive parents.
Read "People of the Lie" by M Scott Peck it will open your eyes like it did mine.
Last year was the first year I sent nothing for mothers and fathers day. It felt like a huge release.

Thank you for your responses!

I don't even know where to start. She ruined my wedding day because she was giving everyone dirty looks, was very rude to people, and then asked me if she could wear my wedding dress for her wedding.

I remember years ago she kept on telling me I was fat (I was a size ten) and when I said I'm not she was like you are and then got a photo of me out from when I had an eating disorder and said you look great there.

She forced me to get a Saturday job when I was about 13 and when I hated it and wanted to quit she wouldn't let me. As an adult I asked her why and she laughed and said she wanted me out of the house.

That's just the tip of the iceberg!

I'm so sorry to read this, she does sound truly awful. Can you start with going low contact to begin with? Stop replying to calls/texts as quick, be less available to see her etc.

Go low contact, don't announce it. Run for the hills. If you have problems, it will be because she is a shit parent.

Going low contact is good advice! I do tend to take my time with replying to her anyway, but always seem to be sucked back in. She's been messaging me now asking me to go to an event with her later in the year, I absolutely don't want to go, and will probably just continue to avoid answering.

You might get more advice if you ask Mumsnet to move this to the Relationships board - you can do that by reporting your own post.

Also look for the Stately Homes threads...
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4991681-january-2024-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I wouldn't go with her, and would probably end the relationship. However that's a decision you should make for yourself as you're the best judge of what's best for you, and not strangers on the internet. She may just be a nasty person, or have a personality disorder. Regardless, she won't change and sounds incredibly toxic.

When is the event and is there a deadline for tickets or anything?

If she is likely to keep messaging you I would just say no now. It will be good practice for the future! You can do it 💪

Why don't you simply tell her that you're not interested in the event? She can't make you go!
If she tries to persuade you just block her.

I went fully No Contact with my mother a long time ago after a lifetime of difficult relationship. She died a few years ago and all I felt was relief. We never reconciled and I was totally ok with that.

You might want to read about trauma bonding - which explains why we feel we must maintain a relationship and turn ourselves inside out trying to make things right with an abusive parent.

Also, look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). It's often those terrible feelings of guilt that stop us going No Contact. It's not your fault. It's a normal reaction.

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she's a good person. My life became exponentially better once I had walked away.

Just block her number, she sounds awful.