How do I handle these comments

[No1toldmeaboutit]

My OH does a lot of the cooking in our house. He generally enjoys it and will admit he is a control freak about cooking, I can cook and I do cook but when he is there he takes over so I just let him, I will then generally do other bits like chopping, cooking one element of the meal, doing dishes as we go, getting the plates drinks ready etc. I never just leave him totally to it.

The issue I’m having is he will often criticise things I do or he will make comments about how he does the all the cooking. Now I know he does and i acknowledge this, I say thanks for every meal, I do the dishes after we have finished.

It’s recently really started to get to me and the more I think about it the more it’s winding me up as if he is there he just takes over, i enjoy cooking when he not there and there are times i will cook in the week if i am home before him.

Now I don’t want to be petty as it’s not a competition but i don’t feel the need to remind him and make comments that I do most of the cleaning, the shopping, I do all of the washing and ironing, I sort all the kids stuff out all the time and do the pick ups around my job, buy all the stuff they need etc.

any advice on how to respond to these comments or what to say? I don’t want to turn it into a competition of who does what but I feel like he undermines and undervalues everything I do actually do.

You need to sit him down and be really honest about it. I don’t think trying to lightly address it while it’s happening will help because he won’t have a clear context for your comments plus he sounds critical and hyper defensive and so will go on the attack.

Have a quiet chat about it. In relationships you need to be able to do this - in fact it’s the centre of strong relationships, the ability to be calm and flexible when things need to be addressed - otherwise you have bigger problems.

You're not turning it into a competition to remind him that you will be happy take over his share of the cooking, and he can do all the other household tasks you do starting now? Swap? Thought not. As you were, button your lip Gordon Ramsay.

It sounds like you do much more overall so start telling him that when he says he does all the cooking

"You're right, let's swap for a week. I will cook, you do the laundry and ironing"

See how that pans out...

Definitely need to start listing everything you do when he comments that he does the cooking. My ExH was exactly the same for a while. And offer to swop.

😂this.

I’m petty enough to make a list of all the household chores/ tasks etc I do per day to whip out next time he started spouting such nonsense.

Have zero patience or tolerance for this whiny shit.
If he complains again - suggest that you each cook on certain days.
Then don't help him at all on his days and don't let him take over on yours.
Don't thank him for doing the bare minimum.

Next time he complains about doing all of the cooking you can say something like, that's ok, I'll cook today and you do the laundry/clean the bathroom/hoover/shop/etc. Make the point that there are other tasks than cooking.
Similarly, when you are cooking and he tries to take over say something like, you're taking over my cooking but you were complaining about doing it.

MY DH also does all the cooking and most of the washing up, he doesn't think I cook well (I don't, I hate it) and he would rather enjoy doing it and enjoy eating his meal. When he brings it up, I absolutely do remind him of all the stuff I do around the house and he quickly pipes down. I don't think it's a bad thing to have completely divided jobs if both of you are happy with it, there's no rule that says it's only fair if you both take turns or whatever. My DH has never cleaned the bathroom or run the hoover round the house or ordered the dog's monthly medication and food delivery, and only does bedtime for DS when I'm not there, etc etc I could go on.

It's not a competition but if he's trying to make it one, I make sure I win every single time.

thanks for all the responses! I think I need to maybe remind him of all the things he doesn’t do, i just didn’t want to go down this route of making it a competition. I just don’t understand his mentality and making comments about the only job he actually does do in the house as if the fairy comes and does everything else!

Tell him you're glad you've raised the cooking issue and say that you feel it's unfair he does all the cooking because you BOTH enjoy cooking, but neither of you enjoy cleaning the toilet, so why does he always get to do the cooking while you always have to clean the toilet and the rest of the bathroom (& house?)

Explain that from now on, you'll split the cooking and also the cleaning, laundry and other domestic chores. He doesn't get to cherry pick the enjoyable parts of domestic life and leave you with all the shit ones.

My DH does loads and has stepped up with some of the mental load as well. But one of the ways this happened was the result of arguments in line with what you're describing. In his case, and I think in th ecase of many many men, they massively overstate/over estimate how much their contribution is. so they start to get a bit resentful because they think they're doing too much.

When the reality is that in most cases (NAMALT etc) they're not doing a fraction of what the woman is doing.

Many years ago, DH was whinging in a very bad tempered way about how he always had to do the bins and the garden and I think he'd come home and the kitchen wasn't completely tidy (bear in mind that I work full time, but from home). I lost it and told him he was quite welcome to do all the things I'd done that day in future and I'd just do the bins - and then listed them.

He backed down!

Personally, I also think that two people cooking, unless it's a useful time for you to hang out and chat together, is completely pointless. It is a task that, unless you're cooking a big elaborate meal for lots of people, is not significantly made easier with someone else involved. As it's an important and time consuming chore, to have both people in the relationship feeling like they're doing it is not helpful. Far better for one to cook while the other one either relaxes or does other chores.

If he turns it into a “I do all the cooking” competition the. You can remind him of all the things you do. Or explain that it’s hard cooking when he’s there and make a schedule of the tasks he’ll do and you’ll do on certain days - even it out.

I can cook and I do cook but when he is there he takes over so I just let him

It’s recently really started to get to me and the more I think about it the more it’s winding me up as if he is there he just takes over, i enjoy cooking when he not there and there are times i will cook in the week if i am home before him

That's why he does all the cooking, he takes over when you are doing it. Cooking is something you enjoy doing. You both need to have a chat, and he needs to stop taking over and let you get on with it. If he isn't helping with everything else in the house he needs to step up with that.

edited as forgot to delete the quoted post after taking a couple of quotes from it.

Tell him he’s right he does do most of the cooking
instead you’d like to split it and everything else more fairly. Let’s do a list of everything you do and everything I do and then we can divide it up.

I’d tell him I appreciate him taking on a small proportion of the domestic responsibilities, and we can look at other option to make it a 50/50 split.

I'd be tempted to respond with 'yeah, you do most of the cooking bc you won't let me in the bloody kitchen! How about you do less cooking and mop the floors, clean the bathroom.?'
Probably because it's not fun or glamorous and never gets any praise and he wouldn't enjoy it or get to 'dominate' the situation.

My DH made the mistake of having a whine about something a while ago and I just for one day made a list of absolutely all the jobs I did in a normal day around the house and gave it to him. He had the grace to look chastened and shut up moaning. I do probably four times as much as he does because I do it alongside everything else whereas he bimbles along in his own way and then occasionally will notice that something is dirty! Then cleans it in a furious and outraged way as if he can't believe it has got dirty again so soon...
He will then announce he's done it and I have taken to telling him that the job isn't actually finished until he's put everything back where it needs to go and put away the cleaning things. I am a mean wife.
I have not agreed to be responsible for everything domestic so it's all as much his job as mine at the end of the day.

It's nice to thank him for a meal, but how often does he thank you for doing all the rest of the work? Does he thank you for doing the dishes afterwards? For cleaning the bathroom?

If he's cooking a meal, don't go in the kitchen at all. Let him do the whole thing. If you are cooking and he butts in, tell him to sod off out of the kitchen.

Cook for yourself and let him cook for him..

Is the criticism is a personalized attack? I read it that it is, but others seem to not think that.

What happens if you don’t let him take over?

Make him a little medal and give it to him next time he starts up.

@No1toldmeaboutit Now I don’t want to be petty as it’s not a competition but i don’t feel the need to remind him and make comments that I do most of the cleaning, the shopping, I do all of the washing and ironing, I sort all the kids stuff out all the time and do the pick ups around my job, buy all the stuff they need etc.

You need to be petty and remind him you do most of the cleaning the shopping, ironing and washing, then offer to switch roles, tell him you’d rather do the cooking and him do the other stuff, it would be the balanced thing to do as he’s been cooking for a while now and it’s your turn.

Put a list on the fridge with 2 columns; what he does and what you do. Make sure you include all the ‘small’ bits of house and school/kid admin. When, before the end of day 1 your list is on a second page, and he has ‘make dinner’ at the top of his, he’ll get the message.