Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it time to move on?

51 replies

Ukhubby121 · 02/06/2024 22:35

Hi, this is my first time posting anything ever, so please bear with me. I’m a forty something year old dad of two boys, 6 and 11, both wonderful in their own ways, however me and their mother, my wife, just don’t seem to get along anymore. I’m not naive enough to think it’s ’all Her’ as of course everyone evolves and changes over time but I feel she has legitimately turned into a horrible person. Constantly angry, constantly swearing and using foul language, that has now started happening even in front of the kids. It truly brakes my heart now that I’m seriously considering divorce as splitting up our family unit is the last thing I’d hope to do. I can’t stand the thought of upsetting and up scuttling my kids by not being there and causing them so much pain and hurt. I firstly thought the changes in her where to do with having to ‘play both roles’ as I work 12 hour night shifts 5 days (then have 5 days off) and don’t do much in terms of house-work , chores ect when I’m at work. However when I’m off work I ensure everything is clean , do all of the chores , washing up/ tidying rooms/ hoovering ect.. when I’m off aswell as take the kids to school ect... My partner works part time as a cleaner so with that in mind if I was to guess the ratio of chores/ work in our home I’d say 60/40 in her favour , which I don’t think is too bad considering I’m the one who works horrible full time shifts in order to help us have the decent life we have. If I’m honest I dread thinking about being separated from my kids but deep down I know and don’t think it’s right to stay together if that’s our sole reasoning. I have tried to explain to my wife I am at the end of my tether with what we’ve turned into and she just goes along with it as in’ get a divorce then ‘ I m not sure but I don’t think she thinks I’m being serious, either that or she feels the exact same way I do! As I side note she is from a very small family as both her mum and dad don’t speak to anyone in their families anymore through means of falling out with everyone. I feel this has a massive negative effect on my wife as she has the same mentality aka ‘ friends just cause trouble’ . I’ve actively had it out with her parents a few times over various things over the years with the main one being to stop always siding with their daughter over every single issue. Of course you can back your kids but to what end? It makes her think she is right 100% of the time when she isn’t. I’m in need, and ready for some real authentic feed back please, appreciated.

OP posts:
NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 22:44

You can’t leave your kids with her if she’s like this. I’m sorry it has come to this. Any idea what she’s so angry about?

If you do go the divorce route, can you do 50/50 and have the kids on your off week?

Original poster
Ukhubby121 · 02/06/2024 22:48

As a follow on from this, I’ve just had a thought of someone asking what she is angry about , and the main thing is me!
to me it feels as though no matter what or how much I do it’s never enough , today for example I prepared Sunday lunch took my eldest son for a 12 mile bike ride , got back and done all the dishes (after eating of course). I then had a couple of hours with my youngest on his computer game and all I got was ‘ are you sitting down again!!’ Maybe it’s me? Am I missing something here? But I sincerely feel I help fairly with everything , whenever I say , I’ve had a hard day at work or have a little moan about my job she’l say “ well you picked it” which is only half right, I picked it for us , for the betterment of our family , for more money to help us have a better life , just alittle more info for you to see what it’s like… thanks again ?

OP posts:
NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 22:57

There’s something else going on with her. I don’t know if she’s going through the change, having some midlife crisis or something with her mental health like bipolar but it isn’t you. She could potentially be a covert narc. I say that because she sounds either frustrated or jealous. Either way you sound like a good dad when you are present.

Original poster
Ukhubby121 · 02/06/2024 23:01

Hi thanks for your replies, to be honest I do actually get the feeling she’s both frustrated and jealous, I’m just not sure what of? She does have a good relationship with our kids ( other than the foul language) When you say narc? What exactly do you mean? Thanks.

OP posts:
NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 23:33

Ukhubby121 · 02/06/2024 23:01

Hi thanks for your replies, to be honest I do actually get the feeling she’s both frustrated and jealous, I’m just not sure what of? She does have a good relationship with our kids ( other than the foul language) When you say narc? What exactly do you mean? Thanks.

Narc = narcissist.

The only thing I can remotely think of is that there is a lot of “boy time” and maybe she’d like to do something as a family?

Please don’t leave your boys. I understand things are hard but they need you now more than ever. By the same token, you don’t deserve this life either. I don’t know what to suggest but maybe a 50/50 is the way forward.

Sit her down and ask her what she would like to change as things can’t go on like this. How can the two of you agree on something that will make you the best parents for your kids. See how that goes and you might get an idea of whether the relationship can be worked on.

VJBR · 02/06/2024 23:37

I wonder what her side of the story is.

BigPussyEnergy · 02/06/2024 23:38

You seem to equate leaving your wife with leaving your kids. Surely if you’re leaving because of how she treats them, you’d take them with you? Or at least push for 50/50.

NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 23:41

VJBR · 02/06/2024 23:37

I wonder what her side of the story is.

That’s why I suggested the sit down. Something is off and hasn’t been articulated between them.

NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 23:42

NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 23:41

That’s why I suggested the sit down. Something is off and hasn’t been articulated between them.

Show quote history

Yes I thought that too. One week on one week off is ideal for coparenting 50/50.

NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 23:43

NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 23:42

Yes I thought that too. One week on one week off is ideal for coparenting 50/50.

Show quote history

I’m a moron and replied to my own thread - time for bed I think.

NosyJosie · 02/06/2024 23:44

BigPussyEnergy · 02/06/2024 23:38

You seem to equate leaving your wife with leaving your kids. Surely if you’re leaving because of how she treats them, you’d take them with you? Or at least push for 50/50.

Edited

Replied to myself in error - this! He can still coparent 50/50

Original poster
Ukhubby121 · 02/06/2024 23:57

Huh? I think you’ve confused this? I’m not leaving my wife because of how she treats the kids , they have a fairly good relationship , other than what I mentioned which a a terrible thing for the three of us to put up with, which is her constant swearing/ raised voice and arguing. The main issue is our relationship has deteriorated to the point of me thinking about having to divorce and leave my kids (which I don’t really wanna do) I’m thankful for your replies but let’s not kid ourselves who’s to say I’d get anywhere near 50% of the kids time. Many things in this world are equal in regards to men and women but divorce isn’t one of them. They 100% always suit the mother.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 03/06/2024 00:03

Many things in this world are equal in regards to men and women but divorce isn’t one of them. They 100% always suit the mother

That's not true.
Plenty of couples have 50:50.

Why don't you do your share of the housework all the time? It isn't fair that you just decide to do it when it suits you.

Original poster
Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:03

As for her side of the story, I can only speculate but I wish she could sort of tell her side because the feeling I get is she thinks she does the majority, where as I feel I do the majority. I feel like she thinks/ feels like I hardly do anything .. or a lot less than her which I think is a part of the … misunderstanding? But if that’s her true thoughts or feelings how can I ever win or get anywhere? It makes me feel like the person who gets accused of something they haven’t done? Never being good enough, never doing enough?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 03/06/2024 00:05

I’ve actively had it out with her parents a few times over various things over the years

I bet that went down well.

TheShellBeach · 03/06/2024 00:06

Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:03

As for her side of the story, I can only speculate but I wish she could sort of tell her side because the feeling I get is she thinks she does the majority, where as I feel I do the majority. I feel like she thinks/ feels like I hardly do anything .. or a lot less than her which I think is a part of the … misunderstanding? But if that’s her true thoughts or feelings how can I ever win or get anywhere? It makes me feel like the person who gets accused of something they haven’t done? Never being good enough, never doing enough?

You literally said in your OP that you don't do half the housework.

Who does the admin?

Original poster
Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:08

Maybe you didn’t read what I said exactly: which I’ll repeat. I work 5 night shifts off the belt 12 hour shifts , I agree I do the bare minimum when I’m at work not by choice as if I’m actively saying “ I’m not helping “ just because of how tired I am to be fair. However on my 5 days off I do the majority. When I think about that .. how’s that not fair?

OP posts:
Thesunisanorange · 03/06/2024 00:09

BigPussyEnergy · 02/06/2024 23:38

You seem to equate leaving your wife with leaving your kids. Surely if you’re leaving because of how she treats them, you’d take them with you? Or at least push for 50/50.

Edited

i Noticed that too. That’s unfortunately stereotypical male mentality when they look to end marriages.

TheShellBeach · 03/06/2024 00:10

Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:08

Maybe you didn’t read what I said exactly: which I’ll repeat. I work 5 night shifts off the belt 12 hour shifts , I agree I do the bare minimum when I’m at work not by choice as if I’m actively saying “ I’m not helping “ just because of how tired I am to be fair. However on my 5 days off I do the majority. When I think about that .. how’s that not fair?

I agree I do the bare minimum when I’m at work

Does she do the bare minimum when she's at work?

Original poster
Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:10

Omg that’s almost funny. I’m here looking for advice on how NOT TO END my marriage. Since when is 50% not half of anything?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 03/06/2024 00:11

Presumably if you divorce, you'll take the children with you.

TheShellBeach · 03/06/2024 00:12

Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:10

Omg that’s almost funny. I’m here looking for advice on how NOT TO END my marriage. Since when is 50% not half of anything?

To whom is that remark addressed?
You need to quote people when you're replying.

TheShellBeach · 03/06/2024 00:13

Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:10

Omg that’s almost funny. I’m here looking for advice on how NOT TO END my marriage. Since when is 50% not half of anything?

You said you don't do 50% of the housework.
That's unacceptable.

Original poster
Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:13

How can she do anything more? She’s at work. She works less hours but yeah if it’s a numbers game , I’d probably say I help more when I’m at work than she does. This is getting away from the main reason I started this. It’s not a blaming game I just wondered if this sort of thing is common or anyone has experience of what do?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 03/06/2024 00:14

Ukhubby121 · 03/06/2024 00:13

How can she do anything more? She’s at work. She works less hours but yeah if it’s a numbers game , I’d probably say I help more when I’m at work than she does. This is getting away from the main reason I started this. It’s not a blaming game I just wondered if this sort of thing is common or anyone has experience of what do?

The best thing you can do is apologise to her for not pulling your weight, then make changes.