Is it time to move on?

[Ukhubby121]

Hi, this is my first time posting anything ever, so please bear with me. I’m a forty something year old dad of two boys, 6 and 11, both wonderful in their own ways, however me and their mother, my wife, just don’t seem to get along anymore. I’m not naive enough to think it’s ’all Her’ as of course everyone evolves and changes over time but I feel she has legitimately turned into a horrible person. Constantly angry, constantly swearing and using foul language, that has now started happening even in front of the kids. It truly brakes my heart now that I’m seriously considering divorce as splitting up our family unit is the last thing I’d hope to do. I can’t stand the thought of upsetting and up scuttling my kids by not being there and causing them so much pain and hurt. I firstly thought the changes in her where to do with having to ‘play both roles’ as I work 12 hour night shifts 5 days (then have 5 days off) and don’t do much in terms of house-work , chores ect when I’m at work. However when I’m off work I ensure everything is clean , do all of the chores , washing up/ tidying rooms/ hoovering ect.. when I’m off aswell as take the kids to school ect... My partner works part time as a cleaner so with that in mind if I was to guess the ratio of chores/ work in our home I’d say 60/40 in her favour , which I don’t think is too bad considering I’m the one who works horrible full time shifts in order to help us have the decent life we have. If I’m honest I dread thinking about being separated from my kids but deep down I know and don’t think it’s right to stay together if that’s our sole reasoning. I have tried to explain to my wife I am at the end of my tether with what we’ve turned into and she just goes along with it as in’ get a divorce then ‘ I m not sure but I don’t think she thinks I’m being serious, either that or she feels the exact same way I do! As I side note she is from a very small family as both her mum and dad don’t speak to anyone in their families anymore through means of falling out with everyone. I feel this has a massive negative effect on my wife as she has the same mentality aka ‘ friends just cause trouble’ . I’ve actively had it out with her parents a few times over various things over the years with the main one being to stop always siding with their daughter over every single issue. Of course you can back your kids but to what end? It makes her think she is right 100% of the time when she isn’t. I’m in need, and ready for some real authentic feed back please, appreciated.

Maybe it’s my mentality or how I am .. let’s just say she does 60% and I do 40% off all household chores. But I work 60% of the time to her 40% … do you think that’s normal or acceptable? For her to go on and act as though I was doing 10/ maybe 20% of it. That’s the bit I do f like about it she genuinely acts like I do nothing.

I think night shift destroys a family as its not regular and leaves a lot to the other parent. It's difficult to have a decent relationship with it. Also l would be very angry with my dp if he ever had it out with my parents. I expected him to always treat them with respect and it would be a major shock in my family if a son in law took on my parents. On top of all that she is probably perimenopause which causes many women to go through an extremely difficult time. ...with some women mentioning anger with their spouse as a fall out .

apologise? For what? I’m not the one who constantly raises her voice/ shouts / swears acts like her partner does nothing. I’m only human and have nothing to hide, I’d be the first to admit when I’ve made a mistake but I haven’t. Not as far as I can see anyways..

I’d be the first to admit when I’ve made a mistake but I haven’t. Not as far as I can see anyway

Really.
This is very likely your problem. You can't see where you've gone wrong, because you're quite sure that you haven't gone wrong.

I totally agree June. I know working night shift had added pressure to our relationship for sure.. it’s awful to be honest. And of course anyone could be forgiven for being a little grumpy at times I feel. When I say had it out, I don’t mean I went berserk , I just said something factual , it’s a horrible thing seeing someone defend the in defendable. I remember once my wife was at work, my car was in getting work done , wife had rang her parents to ask if they could take my son to the the nearest doctors as he had a high temp’. She said something along the lines of” can you take x to the doctors “ her mum asked why I couldnt as I was off ‘ wife replied because he doesn’t wanna walk- now she meant my son didn’t wanna walk / they both called me a lazy so n so . This sort of thing has happened constantly over the years even though I feel I’ve done nothing to deserve it. That’s why I now keep my contact to a minimum with them. Just today actually the same son mentioned he hurt his hands when pulling weeds out for his grandad. He then said he was a “wuss” like his dad . Now that’s unacceptable .

Shellbeach you seem a really negative person, did your previous partner cheat on you or something?

No.

I think these replies are harsh. So he doesn't do much when he's working the 12 hour shifts, but when he's on his week off he's doing the majority. I don't see what's wrong with that. His wife's attitude doesn't sound great to me, shouting and swearing around her kids? I don't care how tired you are, it's not the children's fault. Control yourself. OP, as others have said, there may be something else going on if this is new behaviour and you need to try to get to the bottom of what this is if things are to improve. I suspect the replies would be very different if this was a women posting and she was working 12 hour shifts, doing practically everything on her time off and her husband was shouting and swearing around the children!

Thanks Jade this is exactly how I see it, don’t get me wrong I’m Not perfect and like us all, have my flaws but based on what I’ve wrote/ told here , that’s exactly how I see it. As for something else going on .. this has me slightly worried now because we haven’t been Intimate for maybe 3 months and this “ don’t care “attitude of my wife’s , maybe alittle longer at 4/5 months. This is starting to play out like a ‘ cheated on ‘ novel….

Are you insinuating that your wife is seeing someone else?

No not at all, but when I read what your fellow “mumsnet” piers are saying, they’re all saying the same things. Something feels off , which to me has fire alarms wrote allover it. I’m just giving the facts, my version of the facts anyway and if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, guess what?!? It’s usually a duck.

What signs did you see shells on the sea shore 😉

Yea I'm sure you're not perfect, none of us are, but you sound to me like you're trying to keep some sort of balance of expectations in your marriage and your wife is not seeing it. I wouldn't immediately jump to the cheating narrative, I know when I've been struggling with life I adopt a "don't care" attitude with my partner. I do care, but I just don't have the emotional energy to go there. This can be down to depression or feeling overwhelmed with life. As previous posters have mentioned, could your wife be peri-menopausal? It can significantly impact a women. You really need to try have a proper conversation of what is going on for her to see if this can be resolved.

I'm not surprised intimacy stopped if there are constant arguments. If she's saying I don't care, get a divorce then...then she's hardly going to feel like having sex with you. It doesn't mean she's sleeping with someone else.

Would you be open to changing your job if she felt like it might help?
Of course you'll need to be able to try to find a way to communicate first to find that out!

WTF with this bear baiting of the OP? 🤨

Honestly, if you were a woman it would be LTB from the start.
Typical unfortunately!

I would try a different forum OP 💐

@Ukhubby121 goodmorning. Not sure why you’re being hammered by other posters but go back to my previous point, you need to have a chat with her and see what’s going on. I don’t think she’s cheating, get that out of your head for now. I think she’s struggling with something and taking her frustrations out on you.
You talk about not being intimate for three months. Intimacy comes in many formats and aside from sexy includes conversation and quality time together. Look up “love languages”. A bit cheesy but might help. Basically everyone gives and receives love in different ways and I’d say you index highly on “acts of service” and “quality time” but if “gifting” and “words of affirmation” are her love language then you see why there is a disconnect.
If I had to be critical of anything, it is perhaps that you spend a lot of time with the kids and maybe she’d like some of that.
You are WRONG about your assumptions about divorce and the courts favour even distribution of the children where possible and as you practically live the perfect 50/50 schedule that seems like an obvious solution if you get to that point.

Yeah - again thanks for your replies. That sounds like it could be somewhere near but I just don’t know. Whenever I try and bring it up (the fact I want a serious talk) she just brushes it off and changes the subject. Again I’m not trying to demonise anyone but if I’m being truthful, the more I think of her attitude and demeanour ..lately the less hopeful I am in looking forward. A few things or theories have been mentioned but what can make an ordinary person ( language wise ) turn into a foul mouthed monster? I asked her the other day what was amatter and she said straight out , she doesn’t love me anymore , but she’s always been alittle strange in this regard , acting one way, then another. It’s just dawned on me .. am I holding onto something that’s no longer there?

Sorry I never touched on family time or our time with the kids. We are both massively involved in our children’s football lives , which pretty much takes up most of our weekends. I always ask her to come for our walks out or little adventures and she always seems to have something better to do, and when I say that, she genuinely is always pottering about the house doing something. Again I can’t knock her in that respect .. but it’s as if the love and respect has gone from the relationship.
thanks.

Without going into too much detail, she has and is being treated for depression, however she has never been this bad …
we have been together for around 15 years, married for 6 just for further info..

This!! The double standards are hilarious.

I wonder why that lines never trotted out when a woman is on here posting about her abusive husband..

Hi guys, just a little update on where my thinking is now and what I intend or hope to happen. After a long, hard think I am going to give my wife a pass ( in terms of her recent behaviour ) and try my best to get us back on track as a couple, and a family. I’m going to try and help her more even if I feel it’s over-reaching. We are due to go on a two week holiday soon, so maybe this will reset all of us and let us behave and love like a family should. Hopefully this is just a sour patch and we can come back from it. But I have to say taking a step back , does anyone else feel like society in general isn’t cut out for families anymore? I almost feel it’s harder to be a married couple and stay together than it would be to part? Like separating would be the easy option? Maybe just me.. but thats honestly how it feels to me. Maybe my circumstances are allowing me to feel like that, but hey ho,

thanks.

God almightly - of course the OP does the bare minimum of housework when he is doing nightshifts! 5 x 12 hours nights in a row is bloody torturous, it's exhausting!
The posters on here will turn anything their way to bash a man OP.

It is awful to be honest, and it does feel unnatural when you are actually up and awake at 3:00 am ect, but I will be the first to put my hand up and say it’s all for the money. Which is fairly decent. I think this is part of the trouble because we are used to the income, I’d struggle to get anywhere near getting a local regular day-shift role. Again thinking outside the box, and from the beginning of us getting together, it feels like we where building toward everything, you always feel you want and need , ie.. nice house , nice garden, nice cars , loving family and now that we are here if feels like we’ve lost each other. It’s recently dawned on me, the most important thing in your life is the people you love, so forget about everything else, it will come in its own time, just enjoy and be grateful!

Yes I've worked long night shifts nursing. I know some people who liked them but I hated them tbh!