Bad mouthing me to child

[Youstealmysunshine]

I'm at a loss what to do; my DP regularly bad mouths me to our child.
He's told our DS (5) several times that mummy is an angry person, a horrible person, nasty to daddy, oh and I'm a psychopath.
The psychopath comment was because I was humming.
The nasty etc is usually because I've questioned him about something.
For instance, he tells me I'm nasty and a horrible person because I say he shouldn't be spending every other weekend staying at a family members house/going out drinking when we have a child together.
I've had our child all weekend, so he's had 3 full days to himself and he's already moaning about having to get up with our child tomorrow despite a weekend of lie ins (he will have to get up as I take other child to school and car has an MOT early).

This eve he came back and spent 45 mins with our son at my request. Between 8pm and 8.40pm he fed him and Ice lolly, Ice cream and sweets. He was bouncing around the living room. I asked why he had fed him that just before bed and he said it didn't matter. I said it was too much rubbish, close to bed time and he said to go away. Then called out to our son the other side of the living room to say that mummy is nasty and being horrible to daddy, then told me to get out of the living room and shut the door on me!

God thats shocking.

The one person in the whole world who is supposed to love you and support you and have your back.

Whats the point?

LTB. Seriously. He’s an abusive piece of shit.

What are you with him for?

An acquaintance of mine experienced years of emotional abuse like this in front of the children, so similar to your situation. She got out of the relationship when the oldest was in later years at primary school. Unfortunately all the years of poison in his ear has led to the little lad (now a teenager) verbally abusing his Mum, he treats her with contempt and has thrown things at her. I urge you to leave this man, the impact of this will be lifelong.

@comedycentral this is what I'm worried about. My DS is a lovely, loving boy but as he gets older I fear the influence his father will have. As soon as I question "partner" I get comments such as "well, if you won't do insert stupid request then I'll leave you and you can pay the bills by yourself" even says it in front of the children. It's a control thing.

As soon as I have an opinion he threatens to leave. I had him shouting at me last week because he was supposed to be at family members house seeing his other child but he went to stay with a "friend" 2 hours away and didn't tell me. I said he should be honest about where he is, why was he lying etc and he ended up shouting. Saying I'm mental and all his friends think I'm crazy because I back into his computer (a complete lie. I've never gone near his computer)... ironically he's told me before he has acceas to my phone. Said he knows what I'm doing and he's really good with tech.
Apparently I didn't leave my ex husband (I did) he obviously left me because I'm insecure and crazy. Oh and the relationship therapist we saw obviously told me in our individual session that I have personality disorder (she didn't and I don't).

I got very frustrated and he was shouting, so I locked myself in the bathroom and put my fingers in my ears whilst he shouted at me outside the bathroom.
He then went to bed (at lunchtime) and 2 hours later came downstairs shouting asking had I found somewhere else to live. I tried to have a conversation and asked if he could go to his family members house (that he's obsessed with and wants to live in) and he refused. He said he had to stay living with me because I need him to have our child to work. I said no, I'm not living with you separated, I'll obviously speak to work and adjust my hours but he kept shouting at me and saying he won't leave and shutting the door on me.
Then I come home and it's never mentioned again and he behaves normal. I see the cycle. I question him, so he deflects, shouts and threatens to leave. Then I'm so grateful he hasn't left that everything is normal and I don't mention the original issue/behaviour. And repeat.

Our son seems to be all for his dad at the moment and it breaks my heart. I want him to love his dad but I feel that it'll all be used against me. I'm the one doing everything with him and taking him on lovely days out. His dad refuses to do anything with the kids that isn't something he interested in. So he'd never watch a film the kids choose, or go to soft play etc. I do it all, then dad sticks out son (aged 5!) on an Xbox and deeds him crap and he's all for his dad. I do wonder if it's party and anxiety thing because his dad's goes out more/stays elsewhere pretty much every other weekend, so he's more anxious about him leaving.

OP you need to get rid of this pure piece of shit. He is a disgrace of a human being. He's scum. He's controlling, he's abusive, he's nasty. You may be able to get UC support to help with bills if you are single. He sounds completely toxic. Please get out. It's so harmful for your children to see their mother badmouthed in this way.

He sounds awful, do you have family support? Do you want out of the relationship? If you do, it might be a good idea to start making those plans to leave.

He’s trying to please his dad because he hates the shouting .

Cant you see this is an awful situation to be in, live in?

Why are you staying with this horrible man? Let me guess…. He’s isolated you from friends and family, he controls the money and leaves you short, he’s probably cheating, drinking and spending your cash.
He undermines you and make you doubt yourself. All is good is you toe the line.

This snt a new situation, you need to call woman’s aid, and plan an escape, hopefully miles away.

Keep a diary.

Keep bank statements.

Get you and your boy to safely.

Leave or better still, kick him out.
Utter prick.

You need to split up as soon as is feasible. And if he keeps that up when you have split up, that will be classed as parental alienation which will not go down well at all with whoever handles your divorce proceedings

Where is your older son in this? He is witnessing this abuse too.

My DH does the waking up next day & pretending it never happened thing. It means we can never have a proper conversation about it (he also can’t communicate effectively, it always escalates to shouting. I don’t have this kind of agro with anyone else in my life). I worry about the impact on DS.

Children will often fawn over the abusive, erratic parent. It's a survival strategy.

After all, better be aligned with and placating the bully, than being aligned with the victim.

@category12 it's devastating me. My partner has had all weekend to himself. I took our child to a party today because he didn't want to (despite having not seen him I'm days), I come home and he's in bed!!! Because he's resting! He's done nothing all day!
I was shopping with my son and he said "you're grumpy, daddy says you're grumpy".
Plus my son randomly says "I love daddy" and I want daddy to put me to bed. It breaks my heart.

You and in turn your son, are being emotionally abused by this man.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He will continue to show you and your child the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Your child cannot afford to be raised in such a toxic environment because it will be only a matter of time before he emulates his abusive father.

Children are programmed to love their parents anyway no matter how abusive they are. I would agree that he is using a fawn response here in an attempt to not rile his volatile father further.

What is the situation re the property and finances?. How financially entangled are you to him. He won’t make the process of you leaving him an easy one because he is abusive and wants to win over you at all costs.

I know I need to leave. He's been horrible to me...there's obviously so much more to his behaviour. I'm a bit broken at the moment. I'm attending therapy and she has put me in touch with the domestic abuse team via work (NHS). However I've not been ready to leave.
We rent a house I cannot afford alone (or even if I was claiming UC).
There are currently no properties to rent anywhere in this area.
I'm also scared regarding my son.
What if tries to take him? He's so lazy that I never thought he would. Plus he told everyone his ex wife was crazy with personality disorder but never went for custody. I always thought he'd bugger off to his family members house that he's obsessed with (he always goes there and threatened to leave me and go). However, the fact he said he wants me to leave the house makes me worry. I said I've nowhere to go and would potentially need to move back to where all my family are (around an hour and a half away) and he said I can't do that and he'll drag me through court.

I also worry that we were split then he'd se our son more than he does now and I'd have less control. I'm worried I'd be bad mouthed more and he'd end up hating me. Not to mention the fact he sticks him on an Xbox or in a vr headset when he has him!

You might be eligible for social housing as a sole parent, and potentially could go into refuge with the kids as an interim measure? Obviously it's not ideal and could take time to get properly housed.

I'm not sure that he would be able to stop you moving an hour and a half away - I wouldn't have thought it would be considered such a significant distance that access couldn't be facilitated? (It might be you that would be expected to do the lions share of the travel but getting away would be worth it.) I would get proper legal advice on this threat rather than taking what he says as gospel. If your family can help you, it would seem like the logical move.

I would try to leave sooner than later as the older your child is, the more likely they are to have a say in where they live. With the father dripping poison, that might turn into daddy. The sooner you get away and are able to dilute that poison and give them a safe space to love you the better.

It's most likely your partner will repeat his behaviour from his previous marriage than goes for residency, but if he lost out financially that way, I suppose he might play it differently this time. But I think laziness is likely to win out?

Leave the man child. He will grow up one day. Protect your child. Check out entitledto.co.uk

Ask woman’s aid if they can help you with emergency accommodation and take your children with you and don’t tell him when you’re going. You could easily go when he decides to go out or stay out with his family members or mates leaving you by yourself.
Try and make a plan and woman’s aid will help you. You can’t stay with someone like this OP he is abusive

@222a but surely I can't just take our child away from him and not tell him where his son is?! Hell will phone the police on me/take me to court. Surely it's not allowed.

@Youstealmysunshine womans aid can help you through the proper channels so he can get supervised visit, you can take an order out on him as well so he can’t contact you and can only see the child through contact centre. You have to ask for help though and speak to woman’s aid or other proper channels. You need to report him for abusing you, surely you can see having your children see this as an example to grow up with can’t be right?

You're allowed to flee domestic abuse. You or your key worker would inform the police. Allowing contact doesn't mean you have to share your location.