I either move or we split up

[lavendermouse]

Bit of context. We live in a city, kids go to good schools, husband and I are both working.
I can work as I have help from my mother. He can work as I work a job around the kids and the help offered from my mother. We currently private rent, won't be able to afford to buy where we are because it's just too expensive. Have been offered (not given) a deposit by family member.

Husband wants to move to the coast as we could afford to buy but only to live in the not so nice areas, with poor schooling, higher crime, etc.

His reasons are that we will own a property and be by the sea. Believes it will be better for children/coastal living and then one day we could help the kids buy their own property using ours.

I don't want to go, kids' schooling won't be as good, taking them away from their friends, family and hobbies. Myself losing my support network.

My husband is self employed so can work in this area but there isn't as much work as where we currently are. I would be very limited to what I could do or would spend my wages on after school clubs.

It's affecting our marriage. He's basically said he will go without me. I don't think I'd care if he did.

Am I wrong? I just can't see what he sees.

Don't move and lose the help of your mum. If everyone is happy where you are apart from him, stay.
You could buy a house where you can afford and rent it out so you have it for the future?

No, you're not wrong. Stay where you are. Let him go if he wants to. If he leaves you and his kids for some sea air he isn't worth having around.

Is he serious that he'd go without you, and are you serious that you wouldnt care if he did? Because if that's the case it sounds like your marriage is finished already?

God I wonder if you are married to my husband? Mine also wants to move out of London to Margate and live by the sea - despite that meaning uprooting DS from his school and all his friends, and me from a job I am very established and successful at (contractually need to live within 30mins of work).

Don’t do it! Fortunately I’m the higher earner so DH can‘t do it without me, but yes it has caused so many arguments. It’s sheer selfishness, the only person who wants to move and who it would be good for is him, everyone else would be so much worse off.

edited for autocorrect

God no - don’t do it. Hand him his bucket and spade and send him on his way.

He's bluffing. He's also a knob.

How old are your children?
A lot of costal areas don't have much for kids, and even more so if they have special interest.
But if "he'll go without you" and you don't care. Then that is a bigger issue for your marriage.

I also wouldn't sacrifice my career for this move, especially in these circumstances.

Are there any help to buy schemes etc that you can look at?

I wouldn’t move the children out of schools where they are doing well. It’s too disruptive.

If you can only move to a worse area your husband is being bloody stupid. Being by the sea means fuck all if your children are afraid to leave the house on their own and there are no good jobs.

Another one here thinks he's just bluffing. Leave him to it.

Honestly, I wouldn't care if he went because I think it's the only way he would realise it was a shit idea. (And I'd get some peace)
He's saying he will go anyway to try and force me in reality. Thinking I'd follow him like some wet blanket.

I've said about buying somewhere and renting it out so we do own something, which he was happy with for a while. But it's started again, we've got to move before it's too late and the kids don't want to come etc etc.

It's sending me insane. He is making out I am ruining their future for the sake of my own happiness.

So it's his way or the highway, is it?

As a pp says, it sounds very much like the marriage is all but over anyway if he has an attitude like that, so maybe call his bluff and say okay then, go on your own.

I can absolutely understand why you wouldn't want to move away from family support, decent schools and a reasonable job. I suspect you also have friends here too?

What does your husband actually say when you ask him how life will work in seaside town?

Just call his bluff and help him pack. Or draw an imaginary new schedule.. With 50/50 responsibility for the dc and ask what he thinks is happening to the dc in the New Life?

So where will the kids live is he planning on taking them?

Loads of coastal towns are terrible out of season because there’s high relative poverty levels. If your DC are happy and doing well where you are, it’s a stupid idea to move away from the community you already have to chase a lower-earning pipe dream of your husband to live by the sea.

What NoSquirrels wrote. Send him on his merry way to live by the sea if that is what he wants, the silly fool.

The conversation doesn't even get far enough to get any sense of what the reality would look like to him. He is obsessed about owning a property. He worries about it constantly. He has depression and anxiety. I think it fuels it a lot, this worry about the kids and their future. (Ages between 14 and 5)

I just worry about them now. The future is neither here nor there if you move them away from what they know and love to something, in my opinion, worse. But just because you could pop to the beach at the weekend. (Which I know wouldn't happen because life gets in the way whether you live by the coast or not)

I'm supported by all the replies. It's nice to know I'm not the selfish one.

Send him on his merry way. What a cheek issuing ultimatums but honestly if you're not bothered if he goes maybe it's for the best you call it quits. But I think he's being very selfish with this notion

Margate also remains one of the most economically deprived neighbourhoods in Kent.

Does he know anything about the reality of seaside towns?

From someone who was born and brought up in one….no jobs, bar a few minimum wage seasonal ones. ( and before he gets smug about being self employed…no money means no one can afford his services) Massive drug problems and county lines that the police aren’t resourced to tackle.

Shit public transport. Packed in summer, traffic jams with no bloody parking to be found anywhere —and deserted in winter to the point it feels like the zombie apocalypse happened. Oh and the health services overwhelmed by the aging population of ppl who retired there as healthy 60 year olds 20 years ago and are now the victims of a system that wasn’t ready for them.

of course there are nice things about coastal towns but it sure as shit ain’t all deckchairs and ice cream. I’ve got a decent job( 30 miles inland) and a support network. There’s no way I’d uproot for this. I’ve seen so many come and go thinking it’s going to be like a holiday all the time. [Eyeroll]

Stupid, risky, real estate plans are the drug of choice for men who are failing to provide for their families. Its an anxious fantasy of running away from reality and magically ending up owning a major asset.

Surely there’s a middle ground, I can see both sides, being in a position to buy but not taking it does feel like a missed opportunity.

Is there a compromise on where you move to you could discuss?

The compromise was to buy to let out. So we have the asset but don't need to move. We are only in a position to do this as a family member has offered a deposit, which I wish they hadn't as its causing no end of stress.

To buy in our own city, we would never afford the mortgage payments. It would be double our rent.

I understand him in some ways also. Having and living in our own property, yes a lovely thought, the beach on the doorstep, again lovely.

But the daily grind of living in a poor community with lack of work and worse schools, nothing for the kids, it's what he isn't or doesn't want to see.

I see you say offered not given a deposit - so you need to pay it back one day ?
how would that happen.

and

' and then one day we could help the kids buy their own property using ours. '

how would that work would you be selling your home - which is prob still mortgaged, downsizing from say a 3 bed house to a 1 bed flat ? and giving the children x amount for their deposits