I either move or we split up

[lavendermouse]

Bit of context. We live in a city, kids go to good schools, husband and I are both working.
I can work as I have help from my mother. He can work as I work a job around the kids and the help offered from my mother. We currently private rent, won't be able to afford to buy where we are because it's just too expensive. Have been offered (not given) a deposit by family member.

Husband wants to move to the coast as we could afford to buy but only to live in the not so nice areas, with poor schooling, higher crime, etc.

His reasons are that we will own a property and be by the sea. Believes it will be better for children/coastal living and then one day we could help the kids buy their own property using ours.

I don't want to go, kids' schooling won't be as good, taking them away from their friends, family and hobbies. Myself losing my support network.

My husband is self employed so can work in this area but there isn't as much work as where we currently are. I would be very limited to what I could do or would spend my wages on after school clubs.

It's affecting our marriage. He's basically said he will go without me. I don't think I'd care if he did.

Am I wrong? I just can't see what he sees.

Google geographical phallacy.
I'd say that's whats his issue.
Let him go amd dont mess up your kids lives and ypur own.

And Only take any family money for a deposit post divorce.

The 14 year old will not want to move! It’s also an important time in their education, moving schools wouldn’t be a good idea.

Money would be from future inheritance given early. His side of the family not mine. Hence why he would "go without me"
So wouldn't have to pay it back, but it's still a stupid idea.

If your husband isn't even thinking about the practical aspects of the new life in seaside town, this is nothing more than a fantasy. I wouldn't entertain moving in your circumstances either.

The compromise was to buy to let out. So we have the asset but don't need to move. We are only in a position to do this as a family member has offered a deposit, which I wish they hadn't as its causing no end of stress.

I’d be wary of this too, if you still have a mortgage to cover on a buy to let you really need quite a big financial safety net to be able to cover that mortgage if anything goes wrong, it would stress me out.

Is there anything else you could look at, what about a shared ownership in your current area? Or could you invest the money to improve your current situation somehow?

For a marriage to work you have to be looking down the same track. Sometimes it's difficult to find that same track, but that's what it's about.

In the reality property shows, the couple hammer it out - she wants traditional, he wants modern, they go transitional, they're OK.
DH is not doing this. He's on his own track. If this were a mathematical axiom, you could say he's not trying to find a track to be on with you, in a marriage you have to be on the same track, therefore he is not in this marriage.

This is very tough for you, OP. I hope you can hammer it out somehow, but it looks very difficult.

From your updates OP I'd be worried he's having some sort of MH crisis. Can you get him to talk to someone? This is so far removed from reality.

Stand your ground and protect your kids. And I'd be having strong words with his parents about the effect that this money is having on him.

Perfect way to put it. Let the selfish knob go live by the seaside.

I think you are totally right to want to stay OP. At age 14 it's not a great time to move your eldest DC. It would be all round better to leave them at the same school to give them the best chance at their GCSEs rather than having to start again make friends in a new place

I think you're right to want to stay, but from his point of view you are being offered the chance to buy a house which you wouldn't otherwise have, which is also important for your future security as a family. Is there not a middle ground, you move somewhere cheaper but not to the coast, ie somewhere with good schools etc?

@pikkumyy77 I do agree- we've got lots of blokes like this in the scruffier bits of Somerset, see also Devon and Cornwall and wales- it's very common and often when the guys start realising they aren't going to be making big bucks, are struggling to buy or rent even in areas they genuinely like and instead focus on 'where can I live cheaper that's not back to back terraced houses , still got a bit of kudos and do quite a lot less work' - rather than think 'what can I do to ramp up earnings- ' - nothing wrong with this by the way- but problem is it's fine if you all feel the same - but they rarely seem to give the slightest shit about partners jobs/friends/family or children's friendships/schools/hobbies etc.

He probably is having a mh crisis, but no, he would never speak to someone about it. He is the type that he is right, and I am wrong. To be honest, nothing I ever do is right.

Whose family is offering you the deposit?

Have a look at FB pages for area he wants to live in and the local police page, you can then show him concrete proof of the drug and crime profile.
He's living in cloud cuckoo land, seasonal work only, drugs and county lines and hard to integrate into an elderly population. Tell him to get a grip, get some mental health support and tell him you're not exposing your kids to all of it.

Can you find somewhere you would both like to live. not necessarily seaside, but maybe countryside. Seaside places can be crowded in season and dull outside, with nothing for kids and often a lot of poverty and drug use. I do fancy living by the sea until I think of the downsides. I would probably go for countryside and hills these days.

The idea is nice but I always think seaside towns aren't great. We live in a big city and my children can study whatever they want. They would have to move away if we lived in a seaside town. So many more possibilities in a city.

Moving for cheaper housing and better schools can be an excellent way to secure your family’s future. It is what we did and we have no regrets.

That your husband would leave his family behind for his plan is despicable. He clearly isn’t thinking about his children at all.

If schools were better and there were better job prospects, then it would be something I would do. Initially, we did both look into it. But then you research the schools, the area, what's around locally for the kids to do/clubs to join. I have looked for jobs for myself and there's nothing really.
He, on the other hand, has not looked at any of this side and just sees cheap housing/seaside. Very blinkered.

Let him go.
Full stop.

I have to say I understand why you are saying you are happy to let him go on his own….

Would he be open to renting on his own 6 months or so and try it out himself?

When my parents decided to move away (albeit abroad) that’s what they did. My dad went on his own anbd basically checked things were indeed ok before me and my mum joined him.

Looking for a house but also a good school, finding work fir himself etc… might open his eyes to the situation.

Will your husband be taking into consideration your salary when he is thinking about a mortgage ?

Can your husband afford to support himself and a mortgage and CMS ?