Why am I not enough for him?

[Grassisntalwaysgreener54]

I've always started that honesty is so important to me and I hoped to base our relationship on that.
We promised that if either of us contacted our exes for whatever reason we'd be open about that.
You know what follows next,...I found a deleted photograph on his phone, and search history in the same day of her workplace, no texts messages or anything just the photo so they'd obviously been communicating.
After all we'd said I feel so disappointed thought we were good but clearly I'm wrong otherwise why would he feel the need to do this. I'm sure they are just friends but it's the deleted stuff and concealment that's the worst. And yes ofc it's wrong I looked and that's bad of me but you know sometimes....

It's not really anything to do with being enough for someone. Plenty of gorgeous, rich celebrities get cheated on for example.

If you keep looking inwards to blame for other people's shitty behaviour, how do you intend to keep your self love? Because its the most important thing. Being able to trust yourself to have your own back. To be your own champion.

This 'man' is a flop. He's immoral, fake and and as shallow as a puddle. He cannot keep his word, he lies and frankly, he isn't worthy of you. Or any woman really.

So stop turning his failures into yours.
You're golden. He's a big pile of horseshit.

Get him gone.
Be your own champion.

What an amazing post!
I'm thinking of having empowerment coaching because my self esteem is on the floor 😞

Maybe - she sent him the photo and he deleted it straight away because of his promise to you. He then thinks to himself, 'I wonder where she's working these days' and looks it up out of idle curiosity, nothing more.

Why were you searching the history on his phone anyway?

What was the photo of? What actual proof do you have that he’s done something wrong? Or that there’s been any actual contact? What has actually been deleted? How do you know he contacted her? Maybe she has contacted him and he’s deleted and ignored her??
I find it concerning that you’re looking through deleted files and search histories??
Maybe he is all that the Pp said but I feel we don’t have much to go on.
Ive been married 15 years. If an ex contacted me (or my DH) I would not particularly be sharing that info. But then we trust each other.

If you have so little trust that you are searching history and deleted files, then you are not in the right place to be in a relationship.

You have no proof at all that he has contacted her, only your suspicious mind has done that. You put 2 and 2 together and made 5.

If you think trust and honesty are so important are you going to tell him that you looked through his phone?
I can’t see that he’s done anything wrong tbh, but the fact that you’re looking shows that you don’t trust him so really what’s the point?

He already knows where she works and the photo was sent on that day then deleted because he knows what we agreed.

Men who can't handle mature intimate relationships cheat. The failure is entirely his. He will cheat on her soon, because he's an inadequate man. Don't blame yourself for his failings.

Well they must be in touch otherwise how did he receive the photo on his phone?

Photo of what?

Do you really want to be in a relationship where looking through his deleted photos and comparing them to his search history is normal?

Could he just be nosy researching her, could it be a screen shot photo, then realised what he was doing was silly and deleted it, an old photo he found and deleted, there are lots of possibilities however it was deleted, so can't he care that much? What was giving you suspicions to look? has he behaving strangely?

No you could tell it's a personal photo of her and a family member, perfectly innocent that she's sent to him.

How do you know she didn’t contact him first. Since your (slightly odd) arrangement is that you must tell each other if either of you contact an ex for any reason, did you agree to do the same if it was the other way around i.e. it’s the ex who gets in touch?

I had to message an ex a while ago regarding a mutual friend. It didn’t occur to me to mention it to my partner. Why would I?!

If there are no texts or messages and just this photo why does this mean they’d “obviously been communicating”?

Cheating is not about the partner not being "enough" and there's also been no evidence of cheating. Would you say that you've got some insecurities about this and are struggling to view things from an objective, adult and mature perspective? Is there a past experience that is affecting you? Dont think going through phones is OK or healthy.

I still don’t really understand what you think you’ve found out?
That she has his phone number? Would she not have had this from when they were dating?
That she has sent him 1, innocent pic that he has then deleted? Possibly because he wasn’t very interested in it??
That he’s looked something up about where she works. Which apparently he already knew anyway? So….. what?
I just don’t get where you are extrapolating to him cheating on you from.
And some of the posters on here feel like they’re hugely projecting….

Either way I don’t think this relationship has got much going for it.
Either he’s unfaithful an untrustworthy.
Or you have zero trust in him and he deserves better. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I expect she still has his phone number. Why wouldn't she? I have exH's number on my phone and we divorced nearly 30 years ago.

Why were you searching the history on his phone?

@Pinkbonbon

Your response is in my top best five MN comments. EVER.
Just perfect!

If he is going to cheat he needs to put a password on his phone.

If he was cheating, he would have locked his phone already.

What's led to you wanting the know anytime your partner is in touch with an ex for any reason? What do you think this will achieve? Similarly searching his phone.

I'm good friends with two of my exes (we don't live close by so don't hang out all the time). If I had to report every cat and baby pic exchanged to my DP he would soon rescind the policy out of sheer boredom.

Nonsense. It shows a complete bias and lack of any sense.

I agree that Pinkbonbon's message was wonderful.

This really isn't about you, OP. It's all on your partner. It's impossible to say why he did this, but it's not your fault. I wish you well with whatever you decide to do.

The OP still hasn't come back to explain why she was searching his phone in the first place.