How often is reasonable to see grandparents?

[ThatGutsyHedgehog]

We Have a 5 month old baby and since he was born MIL and FIL pushed for lots of visits with us and if we couldn’t manage a visit or had to cancel they would hold it against us.
It came to a head when they phoned up insisting they would be coming round the next day because he’s their grandson. Then proceeded to tell us off for cancelling on them (which we have only done once or twice when DS was unwell)

We explained that DH works full time and we get little time for family time and have lots of other people who want to see DS. Plus housework and it depends on how we are feeling as DS sleep has been poor recently and we’ve been tired! We made an agreement with them we would see them once a fortnight.

We have been doing this for a couple of months but we’re now being told it’s not enough time and we should make more time for them.

How often is reasonable to see a GP?
I feel we’re the ones in the trenches with a small baby and this isn’t really helping!

Anything between daily and annually, depending on the relationship between the adults.

We used to see my PIL weekly, but my parents every 2-3 months (due to geographical proximity).

As @Littlefish rightly says, it’s a bit of a “how long is a piece of string?” type of question. But I’d say once a fortnight was a lot, especially if that’s “as a family” type thing and you’re both working. Doesn’t leave much time for anything else.

Agree with the above. Twice a day or twice a lifetime. It’s up to you really.

Due to location we saw my PIL weekly and my parents every few months. PIL was only a few hours, my parents for a few days as they lived far away.

My mum took me to her parents everyday on maternity leave as she liked the company as my dad was at work.

There is no correct amount.

Totally depends on the relationship.
We saw (and continue to see) DHs parents a couple of times a week. They're wonderful people and nothing but helpful when around.
My own mum is a narc though so I really had to train myself to let them in and believe they want the best for us, which they absolutely do.
Now the kids are 3 and 1 and they look after them two days a week so I can work. How amazing is that? The money we have saved is astounding and more importantly the relationship they've built with our children is wonderful.
My own mum, different story. I force myself to see her once a week and she guilt trips me horrendously if I cancel. Also constantly comments on how much time the other grandparents 'get' with the kids. I dread every visit.
Sounds like there's a backstory here and telling you off etc is obviously not ok.
What does your partner say?

Yeah there is a big back story.
They’ve been trying to get “alone time” with DS since he was 8 weeks old, also saying I could stop breastfeeding- even though I don’t want to.
last time I BF in front of FIL he said “I bet daddies jealous “ which made me feel really uncomfortable.

DH feels what we’ve given is fair but there is no pleasing them so we might aswell ignore it
i don’t like conflict so would like it resolved, equally I don’t want to go back to them
inviting themselves over multiple times a week

On average I see mine once a week (I'm 40 minutes away). But your in-laws sounds aggressive and unpleasant over this, which would make me want to put my foot down.

I think once every two weeks is reasonable. A new grandkid really does bring out the worst in some grandparents. Stick to your guns on this one.

I remember seeing mine 3 times a year, and that seemed plenty.

I see one GD once a week….and see the other2 GD x 3 to 4 times a week( they live in same town)

While you're on mat leave, could you see them in the day when DH isn't around? Obviously expectations will need to shift when you return to work. Will they be doing any childcare?

Once every two weeks doesn't feel loads to me, but ILs do school pick up once a week now so they at least see us then.

However if they are being unpleasant I'd back right off.

And would that seem plenty for you to see your GC?
I have a lovely
Relationship with my 3 GD ….I don’t think I would if I only saw them 3 times a year.
my DD age 30 has a lovely relationship with my 87 year old Mum…..it warms my heart to see them putting the world to rights…..if she had only seen my mum 3 times a year as a child this would be unlikely now.

Did you have much of a relationship before the baby came?

We maybe saw PILs once a month, if that and often it would be DH going by himself as I just don't really get on with them for various reasons.

When our DC came along, all of a sudden they wanted to carve out a very strict once a week visit. Understandably they were excited about DGC but there's only so much conversation a baby can be responsible for.

They would always want to sit for hours, never helped, just got waited on. There was a lot of jealousy about my relationship with my parents. I speak to my mum every day and did do before I was pregnant. My DH gets on with my parents. They're easier to be around.

It's hard to force a relationship that has never been there. Thankfully, I work on the day they insist on visiting so don't have to see them much.

Had/have the same issue with my PIL. Daughter is now 12! Has caused a lot of stress.
I asked a lot of people how often they saw their parents or PIL after having a child and once every 2 weeks for those who live locally seemed to be average. Stick to what works for you. Don't feel pressured to see them more than you want. It's hard to go back if you see them more regularly and then want to see them less regularly. It's your child, not theirs. You don't have to provide entertainment and company for them, they need to make their own life. Of course if you enjoy seeing them, see them as often as you like but do what works for you - stand up for yourself.

Anyone pushing for 'alone time' with someone else's child would be an absolute red flag for me. What on earth do they want to do with a child that they can't do with one or both of the parents around? Even if it's innocuous, kids aren't toys to be passed around. The GPs have had their alone time with their own kids, and that part of their lives is now over.

I only saw my GPs a couple of times a year, and it's no exaggeration to say they were the most important people in my life when I was younger. Closeness is not about frequency of interaction, but the quality of the time you do have together.

Growing up I saw my mums mum daily and my dads mum weekly.

my children when younger saw my mum anything from 2-5 times a week and we saw in-laws once a week. However that suited us. Do what suits your own little family.

Working party or State visit? If they are the sort that turn up and help, without judging, then they can be welcomed...even if you do not see eye to eye with them. If they are expecting the red carpet, and do little to practically help, then I would be arranging a time to suit all and also offering up a time when it suits you to go out with OH for a few hours as long as you trust them with DS.

That's disgusting. I was originally going to say it's not enough time but they sound horrible. Don't leave ds alone with them
My mum and dsd and Pils were lovely people and wonderful gp's so saw our ds often and never had to ask to see him. As a result he built a fan, close relationship with all of them.

I’m curious @ThatGutsyHedgehog how often do you see your family?
I find it so sad when I see that the paternal grandparents are being pushed out. Generally a child massively benefits from a good relationship with their grandparents. What’s enough you ask which I interpret as ‘what’s the least I can do which can loosely regarded as reasonable?’
I feel really sad for your in laws but sadder still for your children.

My oarents do our childcare four days a week which is amazing. They live a mile away so usually see them most days anyway. The kids have an amazing relationship with them.

Fortunately my in-laws live 3 hours away. We see them 3-4 times a year. That's more than enough. Dh texts them and speaks to them on the phone once a week. I never communicate with them in between visits.

Listen to your DH. After all, they are his parents and his problem.
Use your people-pleasing power to please your family!
You must do what suits you and your DH, and it sounds like one a fortnight is still too much. Once a month is TOTALLY REASONABLE if that's what you want. Because this is about you not them.

Please do what is best for you and your new baby because you won't get this time back, and the more you let them call the shots now, they now they will demand.

Be strong OP, your DH and DC need you to put them first!!

Stick to ever fortnight.
Do not be bullied by them.
Your breastfeeding is NONE of their business.
Your FIL remark is disgusting and creepy.
I wouldn't want to be sround that at all.
Really creepy.

We’ve got the opposite problem, lots of talk about devoted grandparents when pregnant then when reality hit, the novelty of the baby stage wore off they disappeared and suddenly became very unavailable, unable to make plans and prob see the children a few hours a month (live very locally) . They do however like to be insist on big plans for bdays, Christmas things, fancy days out but ask them to take the children to the park or help me for an hour and they would fall over. Only do the exciting bits

Never mind what they 'tell' you, it's irrelevant. Once a fortnight is fine. You do what suits you and not them. Do NOT get into a set pattern with it either.

I wouldn’t agree to any set routine, as you’ll be stuck with it for years. Just go round when you are able to, or get them to come to you.