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Original poster

Partner’s revealed a historic SA

34 replies

Forgottenuser · 01/06/2024 21:05

Sorry for the silly title but I didn’t know how to phrase it properly. My bf of almost 2 years has told me about a historic sexual assault that he was charged with at the time. This was obviously long before we met, so I am feeling really confused and conflicted about it. I’m just not sure if I can “just forget” about it now that I know it.

He is honestly a great boyfriend and I am really happy (or have been), but I have been through some shit relationships in the past and I’m so scared that I might be letting down my guard.

Has anyone here been through something similar and how have you dealt with it? I don’t want to make any decisions now but I think I’d appreciate some help with this. I don’t think I can ask someone close to me because I am worried about judgement.

OP posts:
Ohd · 01/06/2024 21:06

Personally I wouldn’t take the risk.

NoddyfromToytown2024 · 01/06/2024 21:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

MidnightPatrol · 01/06/2024 21:09

What exactly did he do?

🚩 🚩 🚩 in general though

Also - think about the wider impact.

downday24 · 01/06/2024 21:09

What happened and was he convicted??

Olivia2495 · 01/06/2024 21:09

The court case will come up on google. How disgusting to have taken agency away from you like this.

sf99 · 01/06/2024 21:10

Depends on
how old he was + what happened = how was his treatment towards me in the past two years

RedHelenB · 01/06/2024 21:13

Surely the time to say something was when he was first seeing you? Maybe you need to do a check to see if his story matches.

Unfairtravel · 01/06/2024 21:16

You are right to be conflicted about it but people can change.

Did he volunteer the information or did something force his hand to tell you? What type of SA was it? Did he get caught out or admit what he did at the time? How has he made amends? Did he seek to re-educate himself? How does.he talk about women in general? Does he now go above and beyond to get enthusiastic consent?

It is a big red flag but I do know someone who did something similar while at university. No excuses but they were bought up in a very toxic environment. Both parties were drunk and he did something unforgivable. He changed that girls life and it was awful but he did immediately admit what he'd done. Cooperated fully. He took part in courses and now volunteers to speak to young people about it. He has zero tolerance for 'jokes' referencing non consent and calls people out regularly.

Redemption is possible but words arent enough. You need to see in their actions that theyve taken full accountability and changed.

MrsFarmerTom · 01/06/2024 21:17

I had a boyfriend who had been accused of rape by his previous girlfriend but was acquitted on the basis of overwhelming evidence in his favour (including CCTV showing that he was nowhere near the location of the alleged offence).
It transpired that she had become pregnant but she was from a very strict religious community and would have been very harshly judged for having premarital sex so I suppose this was the only way out that she could see.
But he was very open about it from the start and allowed me to ask all the questions I needed to and take all the time I needed to think about it (and research newspaper reports etc). If he had withheld it from me for 2 years I would have been extremely upset.
What is the nature of your BF's case? Does he admit to it? What is his demeanour like now when he talks about it?

cerisepanther73 · 01/06/2024 21:18

@Forgottenuser

Good idea i would do a discreet Google search online or check with your local police force about what he was convicted for and the history behind it his age,
sex offenders register

I really think 🤔 this a communist reunion banners waving in the wind red flag warning take heed and act accordingly ditch don't get involved for your own sake ...

NoddyfromToytown2024 · 01/06/2024 21:20

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

WhereAreWeNow · 01/06/2024 21:24

I would run.

Original poster
Forgottenuser · 01/06/2024 21:38

Thank you all.He volunteered the information (although I think it was for a reason but I don’t think he had to tell me). It was a case of both of them being drunk so it’s a bit of an awkward one. He admits that he did wrong and that he didn’t quite realise it back then.
I honestly didn’t have any concerns until now because he’s been a great boyfriend and there have been no red flags at all. The only thing that I had noticed was that he seemed a bit over cautious with people at times. I really like him and this is upsetting because I know what I’d recommend a fried who asked for an opinion.

OP posts:
SquirrelBlue · 01/06/2024 21:47

I'd be tempted to do a Clare's Law application to the police and just double check if there's anything else you should be aware. Hopefully there isn't but it'd be good to get it confirmed officially

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 02:10

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I do believe in redemption but I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that. Even if I appreciated the work they had put in to change and to educate others. If they were genuinely remorseful and fully aware of the harm they had done I imagine they would understand and accept why women wouldn't.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 02:14

In the OPs case I don't know exactly what happened (and she doesn't have to say) but if it was actual rape then I don't think I could get past that. I wouldn't find the "I know it was rape and I know it was very wrong" matched well with "we were both drunk" and "I didn't know it was wrong at the time." Its claiming honest remorse in one breath and then downplaying in the next.

Fallingforwards · 02/06/2024 02:32

Oh gosh, I don’t know. I do believe in people learning from bad decisions. But also if you were my sister, I wouldn’t want you to be the one to test that theory.

kkloo · 02/06/2024 03:23

Forgottenuser · 01/06/2024 21:38

Thank you all.He volunteered the information (although I think it was for a reason but I don’t think he had to tell me). It was a case of both of them being drunk so it’s a bit of an awkward one. He admits that he did wrong and that he didn’t quite realise it back then.
I honestly didn’t have any concerns until now because he’s been a great boyfriend and there have been no red flags at all. The only thing that I had noticed was that he seemed a bit over cautious with people at times. I really like him and this is upsetting because I know what I’d recommend a fried who asked for an opinion.

How did he act back then? Deny it? Tell everyone she was a liar? that she was crazy? Did he ever correct that?

kkloo · 02/06/2024 03:28

MrsFarmerTom · 01/06/2024 21:17

I had a boyfriend who had been accused of rape by his previous girlfriend but was acquitted on the basis of overwhelming evidence in his favour (including CCTV showing that he was nowhere near the location of the alleged offence).
It transpired that she had become pregnant but she was from a very strict religious community and would have been very harshly judged for having premarital sex so I suppose this was the only way out that she could see.
But he was very open about it from the start and allowed me to ask all the questions I needed to and take all the time I needed to think about it (and research newspaper reports etc). If he had withheld it from me for 2 years I would have been extremely upset.
What is the nature of your BF's case? Does he admit to it? What is his demeanour like now when he talks about it?

How on earth did it make it to court in the first place if there was CCTV evidence showing he couldn't have done it? Or did it not end up in court? And if it did did the judge order no guilty verdicts or did the whole trial continue?

cerisepanther73 · 02/06/2024 08:55

On reflection i do think 🤔 it's possible an individual can reflect and work on improving themselves of course,
through education and self development and awareness courses provided by the prison service,
also can develop an interest with faith with pastor service in an institution such as this..

However it's a tricky problematic thing By the very nature of the type of crime is that individual who committed that crime sufficiently improved themselves and has willing incentive enough to continue on this journey trajectory?

Or

Is it a case of once someone commits a crime,
they are forever work in progress of determined by their genetic make up and home upbringing and outside influences peers groups envoriment etc?

"like an recovering acholic who only has to have one or couple or few drinks and ends up falling 🤔 of the bandwagon etc"

DotDashDot24 · 02/06/2024 09:08

Depends on how old he was

WTAF.

DotDashDot24 · 02/06/2024 09:12

I have been through some shit relationships in the past

You're debating staying with a bloke who's sexually assaulted someone.

So you still don't have the bar that makes shit relationships unlikely.

He's also not told you til you're "in" and invested.
He could have told you early on so you could decide whether you wanted to keep dating him. He didn't - that, to me, is a bit deceptive and manipulative.

It's also very very difficult to get a SA prosecuted. I'd imagine esp with alcohol involved. Was this prosecuted? What happened?

I think you're getting a gentle/censored version.

DotDashDot24 · 02/06/2024 09:15

historic sexual assault that he was charged with at the time. This was obviously long before we met

This is all down playing by him, and you, as well.

With some things, it doesn't really matter that they're "historic".
They are too major.

DotDashDot24 · 02/06/2024 09:18

I really like him

You really like the him without the sexual assault history; which was not the real/full him.

And it's exactly why he didn't tell you anything about it until he thought you were locked in, nearly two years down the line.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 02/06/2024 09:22

This is really tricky. I think I would want to know more about what happened from another source. The concern here is that he is minimising what happened, and that once you get past the honeymoon phase you will look back and see this as a big red flag.

If he was convicted, then as others have said, you should be able to find more details about it so you can make a decision.

I would probably ask him for a bit of space while you do this, in order to give you time to process and come to a decision. Pay attention to how he reacts to this.

If it really was youthful stupidity + alcohol + a possible misunderstanding and he is contrite and has done a lot of thinking and work then I would be tempted to give him a chance- if, and only if the facts of the case supported this.