Partner’s revealed a historic SA

[Forgottenuser]

Sorry for the silly title but I didn’t know how to phrase it properly. My bf of almost 2 years has told me about a historic sexual assault that he was charged with at the time. This was obviously long before we met, so I am feeling really confused and conflicted about it. I’m just not sure if I can “just forget” about it now that I know it.

He is honestly a great boyfriend and I am really happy (or have been), but I have been through some shit relationships in the past and I’m so scared that I might be letting down my guard.

Has anyone here been through something similar and how have you dealt with it? I don’t want to make any decisions now but I think I’d appreciate some help with this. I don’t think I can ask someone close to me because I am worried about judgement.

It was a case of both of them being drunk so it’s a bit of an awkward one.

How does that make it "a bit of an awkward one"?

He either sexually assaulted her or he didn't. What does her being drunk have to do with his decisions and actions?

Likewise, what does him being drunk have to do with it either? Do we excuse sexual assaults because the perpetrator is drunk?

Go to your local Police Station and say you want to request a "Clare's Law" application for your new relationship because of this.
It's discreet, and no need to tell him you've done it.
That way you'll get the full facts of if he poses a risk/ if you can live with this, and can decide how you feel about it then.

It is your decision at the end of the day.

As others have stated, do a Clares Law request.

You and he are minimising his past actions.

You need counselling to set yourself higher standards.

You say he was charged with SA, not convicted? If he's not been convicted then that means he pleaded not guilty and was subsequently found not guilty? But is now admitting it did happen. So what is he going to do in order to take accountability? Or is he happy for the woman he raped to forever have to live knowing it happened and he got away with it? That there are people out there that think she's a liar? Because presumably if he went not guilty that's what his defence was - that she was lying about it? Doesn't sound like a decent guy who knows he did wrong to me.

Definitely do a Claire’s Law check. A friend did one on a new partner and there was some history. She was more angry he hasn’t told her. However they discussed everything in detail and he had evidence to support himself. She also discussed it with a police officer before speaking to her partner and they gave her valuable context. It wasn’t a sexual assault though.

2 years in and he gets brave when drunk and discloses this.

Fuck that I would be out of that relationship like a shot.

I think the fact he took two years to disclose is a big deal. What he has disclosed may be a red flag, but when he disclosed is a second. Who waits until you've probably fallen in love and committed to someone before a revelation like that? Someone who is selfish. And who commits SA and rape? People who are selfish and only care about their own needs.

Thats very true.
If he had friends etc who were aware at the time this is probably an anecdote they still tell about their mate who was completely innocent but set up but luckily he was found innocent in court etc. So you know, women lie more than you think. And the woman/girl will have had to carry this through life. Meanwhile, he isn't making any attempt to set that right but told another woman years later presumably so she could reassure him he was in fact still a good person. And she is now probably far more anxious and stressed/morally conflicted than he is about it. That's not contrition.

Think hard about how low the conviction rate is because so many cases are dropped before court because there isn’t enough evidence.
To take it to court or bring charges is a high threshold.

I wouldn’t risk it

and I certainly couldn’t contemplate building a future or creating a family with someone in these circumstances.

edit:
this is a drip feed and a half
He admits that he did wrong and that he didn’t quite realise it back then.

so he admitted he is a rapist and there is a woman walking around who is probably still living with the repercussions of his actions and then his lies (not guilty) who never got justice or peace.