Ideas of things to do with toxic and abusive MIL and BIL family in London this July

[Octopusspotcat]

I’ve been in a physically, financially and emotionally abusive marriage for the past 15 years which I have plans to get out of this year. I have had quite a rough time and I have been working hard to get the money together to go with my young DC and it’s looking like it will be in September / October.

StbEXH is from a different culture to me and from an ultra conservative and religious background which has been a source of many of our problems. He has had many affairs, slept with prostitutes, physically assaulted me, tried to stop me from working and to control the money I earn. Every day is a battle. His family have witnessed and been complicit in his treatment of me over the years and see it as a normal part of marriage and my complaints about it as the problem and me not understanding the place of a woman.

In July his entire family (8 people - MIL, BIL, SIL and their adult DCs) are coming to stay with us for two weeks. None of them are nice to me but MIL has always been the most toxic. She expects me to be home with her all the time, help her with her personal care (washing her, helping her to the loo - stuff she has two staff members in her home country to do 24/7,) cook for her, clean for her and make the DC perform for her (give her compliments, sing, dance, sit on her lap when she requests, be out of sight/quiet when she wants them to be.)

I work full time, half from home, and she is completely intolerant of this. When she stays and I am out of the house in the office or when I am working from home she will complain every moment very loudly that I am a “terrible mother” for putting my selfish ambitions before care of my children. She will tell my DC that I don’t love them if I work.

If a nanny or a cleaner comes to the house to help me (paid for by me as STBexH will not pay for this) MIL will openly try to turn them away, or substitute them for her staff in her home country by requesting they help toilet her and dress her, and no visit is complete without her accusing one of them of stealing from her and insisting on having them fired, which STBExH dutifully does.

Every visit, MIL, BIL or SIL will always take me to one side and tell me how I need to be more caring and attentive to STBexH, how I need to work less, how they feel I am not being a good mother by working. They tell me I need to make the home environment nicer for him so he’ll want to spend more time with me. (!!!!) I am used to these lectures by now, I don’t believe them, but they still drain me and the judgement and ganging up on me makes me ill and depressed.

anyway; all the background is to ask your help for their visit. I am hoping this is the last time I ever have to spend time with them. I wondered if you had any ideas for things that I could arrange to keep them busy, ways I could distract and avoid them, things that will pass whole days that will look like I am dutifully “looking after” them during their visit without me having to speak to them much, be with them, or spend much time with them. I don’t mind throwing money at the problem.

In the past to make my life easier I have invited friends around to sit with me while the family is there to not make me outnumbered but the friend often ends up getting targeted and ostracised / abused too. MIL has form for openly accusing my female friends of “making eyes” at STBExH or BIL and then when I refuse to throw my friend out or I fight back, she will accuse me of cheating on STBexH because I “obviously don’t care” about her made up accusations about my friend. Many of my friends will willingly be the sacrificial lamb for a day or two but they cannot tolerate the personal attacks for more than 24 hours.

we are in London. MIL is virtually immobile and needs a wheel chair / car to get most places. She is most happy being cooked for, cleaned after, being wheeled around like the queen mother and publicly passing searing judgements on random strangers, friends and people she considers below her (which is about 99% of the population.) She, BIL and SIL need food, drink, titillation and entertainment, basically, but wrapped up in the guise of “quality family time.” If I am perceived to have arranged it, be constantly in giving mode, all the better. The best scenario would be then disappearing for a day or half day at a time watching a performance or a private tour or a picnic which I arrange and get catered but spend all my time with my DC. And stuff I can distract MIL with on the days that I am working.

Any ideas?

How many bedrooms do you have to accommodate 8 more people, how old are your children. I'd be looking to move out to a local hotel with the dc. Let them have the house to themselves and book a cleaner at the end.

Find your anger. Every time she sneers at you remind her she's a guest in your home and if she doesn't like it she can f'ing well find somewhere else to stay.
Lose her on the other side of the city. Or even better Lose her somewhere remote like the Scottish Highlands.

Can you not bring your plans forward to leave before July? If they get wind of them, what's to say they won't try to remove your DC from you, or worst still take them back abroad with them? They certainly sound capable of causing serious trouble.

How about doing some day trips by train out of London - and treat in-laws to first class compartment while “making do” with standard for you and dc?

If dc are sporty can you watch their practices or matches (a good mother thing to do) or take them swimming - presumably in-laws won’t want to come but again you’re being a good mother by going

I think I would rather take my chances to be honest. Really, fuck that, the whole thing is ridiculous!!

Can you and your DC not leave before they come?

Move out for the entire time they are there. Don't spend a minute with such horrible people.

Can you bring the leaving plans forward? He's been abusive to you - could you get to a refuge with DC until you can move on to your next phase?

Thank you all for these great ideas!

i won’t be able to afford to leave until sept/oct. Because he has been financially abusive he has been taking more than half of my earnings to pay our costs (as well as his debts) and I have had to hide a lot of money from him. My work, who know the situation have been helpful with concealing my total pay and putting money in a different account.

If I didn’t have children I would have been out of here years ago without a thought. I worry about his immediate actions and effects on them. He can be extremely unpredictable and impulsive and I just wouldn’t want a non planned, non prepared situation where I had to go into temporary accommodation with them and keep track of them, their school, still work and earn and carry all the burden. I tried to leave before (took the kids) but I got let down by one of the people who was helping me at the time and I had to go back. The family are still making me pay for that and made me admit that I had lost my sanity and had a psychotic episode.

I come from dysfunctional families. I stay away from them as much as possible. I’d book into some kind of alternative accommodation during their stay. You never no your DH might take the hump and leave you. Win/win.

Firstly I hope you hid the children's passports so your soon to be ex can't spirit them abroad.

Secondly when his mother visits let him do all the work with his family. If he wants to play the all conquering dick head around the house then he can do it with his family too. Let him wait on them hand and foot and be sure to praise what a good son he is and what a great husband for letting you have a rest and all the while you can just go about your normal business leaving him to get tired out and fed up.

Seriously though call woman's aid.

Could you engineer a crisis with your family or friends OP? So the day they arrive someone calls and said someone's hurt their back and needs your help ASAP? At least you could escape for a few days ?

I’d take her on a nice day trip to some cliffs then take the brake off the wheelchair 😂 horrible old bitch.
Thank god you will be free of them in a few months!!

Are they all staying in your house, can you book a local hotel and say its going to be too crowded and you'd like them to have enough space especially mil with her mobility problems.

Maybe a boat trip up to Hampton court? They go so slowly they take ages and surely the kids want to go out on deck, up some steps, you would have to watch them?

Stick with your plan, you can do it. You can get free.

Art galleries and museums. Free, good
Disabled access.

You can book a blue badge guide to do a private tour of almost anywhere. I think being out of the house with a stranger along is best. Tends to moderate batshit behaviour.

OP - safety first, my love - make sure everything related to your plan to leave is removed from the property before they arrive, in case they go snooping. And as others have said - remove your DC’s passports.

If you have longish hair or can get away with a hairscarf that covers your ears, I recommend Airpod pros. The noise cancellation works very well. Listen to music or an audiobook to drown out MIL when she talks to you, and just nod and smile along.

These IL’s sound like they might be motivated by the achievements of the younger generations. If so, can “school/nursery have recommended” an intensive course, that runs each morning for a week, in swimming or art or something? Or a daily tutor you have take them to? (Even if half an hour - but stay out for three.) Decide the DC need to go to museums and libraries and galleries - there are usually free children’s tour activities which you can claim to have pre-booked. I would also take great pleasure, in your situation, in secretly making the IL’s complicit in arrangements that actually aid your escape - things like taking the kids out for haircuts and new shoes.

Would it be worth looking for some hotel deals in around the country? When they’re out in public their behaviour can’t deteriorate so badly, and you’ll be safer.

Cut any corners you can - decant supermarket ready meals into Tupperware now and freeze it all - serve it as homemade when they arrive.

It’s good you have supportive friends around you. Don’t be embarrassed to request and accept any support they can give you.

Please have a refuge number in your phone in case things deteriorate.

Take them to the London Dungeon and lose the key @Octopusspotcat? Sorry, this sounds absolutely awful and well done for planning your escape. I mean, there are loads of organised (possibly expensive) private group tours (try viator) like you can book when you go away abroad, only in London/UK or private small group visits. Even with additional needs like a wheelchair some must surely be suitable. Or can you not work away for a fortnight? I don’t know how you managed to put up with this cr@p for so long. Please let us know when you get out so we can all celebrate with you.

Look at Driving MiSS Daisy, they have accessible vehicles with helpers to go on day trips, anywhere you want to go, pick up early morning, drive out to the coast or countryside, have lunch, don't rush back, what part of London are you in, are there any local centres or activities on during their stay for their culture. Is there anything they enjoy doing apart from criticising you.

Do make sure they have no access to any of your personal info, give what's safe to remove to friend, take photos of passports, bank statements, utility bills, council tax, benefits etc just in case they snoop and your stbex accidently loses them, you'll need them in the future anyway.

I really don't have any advice, but your post really concerned me. As it's only a couple of months until September, can no friends or family loan you the money you need to get out? Give your kids passports to them for safe keeping too.

Please tell me you have your children's passports locked away at work? This sounds intolerable, but you sound amazing, and do does your work. Good luck.

I really hope things work out for you. Life must be so difficult.

Could you send the in-laws out of London a few times? Cambridge, Bletchley (code breakers), Brighton, Oxford, Canterbury, etc.? Perhaps some of those per train?

Or divide and concur, so you break up the group by sending some to some stuff and others to others, or would that make things even worse as they would not distract each other?

Any interesting sports tournaments happening in that time period that they could visit? I am not at all sporty, but anything related to horse racing, tennis, football, cricket, or so going on in that time period?

Work has unfortunately insisted that you work from office exactly that week. How unfortunate.

Also, what happens if they are not happy and pleased? I mean, if your husband is likely to kick off and be a danger to you and kids, that's of course a different story. But otherwise, it won't really be a problem for much longer if MIL complains that she doesn't like you?