Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Toxic friend upset me

47 replies

Scenuc · 01/06/2024 11:13

I met a woman years ago at a hiking group. Somehow she latched on to me. She is very negative and only contacts me when things are going bad for her as though I am a free counsellor.

I remembered this Monday she wanted to meet and I had been putting it off for months so I said I can only go bowling and not the meal due to finances. She has tried to make me feel really bad saying she is annoyed she can't move the bowling time and said she wish she knew sooner. I said at least I did not say on the day to forget the meal. Now she wants me to transfer the money for the bowling as she has booked it. Most people would genuinely understand, at least I did not cancel altogether.

She has had many fall outs with people. She had friends she went to gigs with but falls out with them and deletes and blocks them. She went away with one guy who told her she was the nasiest person she ever met and he left her on her own for the rest of the holiday.

It has really upset me and usually I don't get upset. I have had enough and don't want to go bowling with her.

OP posts:

category12 · 01/06/2024 11:16

I'm a bit confused - if you said you will go bowling, then why are you annoyed that she wants you to pay your share towards it?

Faduckssake · 01/06/2024 11:19

If you don't want to be her friend, that's up to you. If she's annoyed because you've had something booked for a while and then changed it just before, that's probably understandable as is asking you to reimburse her for your share. Not sure exactly what she's done wrong here, but it sounds as though you don't really like her so why arrange anything? Just say no

spannered · 01/06/2024 11:21

This person may well be toxic, but you are a terrible friend to them. You actively avoid them, flake on plans and describe them awfully. Why haven't you dealt with this situation before?! Apologise for the change of plans, send her the money for bowling and let her know that you feel the friendship has run its course because you are incompatible.

Myblindsaredown · 01/06/2024 11:22

I’m confused, how is she the toxic one,when you’ve lumbered her with costs and want her to pay?

Original poster

Scenuc · 01/06/2024 11:38

Why the unhelpful responses. I am paying for my bowling and she has not paid beforehand for the meal so is not out of pocket.

OP posts:

category12 · 01/06/2024 11:45

Scenuc · 01/06/2024 11:38

Why the unhelpful responses. I am paying for my bowling and she has not paid beforehand for the meal so is not out of pocket.

OK, but it's not that unreasonable of her to bemoan the fact you have changed the plan if she was looking forward to it.

I think you wouldn't mind so much her complaining a bit if you like her more. I mean, depends on the level of complaining, of course, but

You're not really doing her any favours if you don't like her and only go out with her on sufferance.

Faduckssake · 01/06/2024 11:52

What is unhelpful about the responses you've had?

Original poster

Scenuc · 01/06/2024 11:57

Faduckssake · 01/06/2024 11:52

What is unhelpful about the responses you've had?

I meant one person was unhelpful calling me toxic. I understand she is frustrated but I dread her company. She does not care I have financial difficulties

OP posts:

BingoMarieHeeler · 01/06/2024 12:00

OP in what way are you friends?? ‘Toxic friends’ don’t exist. She’s not your friend. It’s an oxymoron.

Mouswife · 01/06/2024 12:00

After this just block her number and move on OP

anothernamitynamenamechange · 01/06/2024 12:01

If you dread her company you shouldn't be meeting up with her. Life's too short. But its weird that you said you only wanted to go to the bowling not the meal, and she asked you for the bowling money and you are offended by that. If you had told hr you didn't want to go bowling then it would be unreasonable of her to chase you for the money. But you told her you did. You seem sort of resentful you have to meet up with her at all but unless there's a drip feed like she has your family members hostage this is something you agreed to and said you would be happy to do. She isn't a mid reader.

Itsonlymashadow · 01/06/2024 12:01

So she is disappointed that plans have changed and asked for the money for bowling that you owe her. you think she should be grateful you didn’t change plans on the day.

Which bit of her actions has upset you?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 01/06/2024 12:03

I really do not understand this specific issue. What's wrong with asking you for the money?

Panpastels · 01/06/2024 12:04

This is confusing and whilst she might be a nightmare you aren't being very nice to her either.

MonsteraMama · 01/06/2024 12:08

You know what I do when I don't like someone? I don't spend time with them, or talk to them, or interact with them outside of absolutely necessary circumstances like work.

With all due respect OP, she might be a horrible person but you're the one agreeing to spend time with her and then being flakey and non committal about it. Either be her friend or don't, but don't pretend to be her friend, bitch about her online and then flake on plans you made with her. That makes you a pretty horrible person too.

mrsdineen2 · 01/06/2024 12:10

Kindly OP, your post is confusing - it reads as if:

She wanted bowling and a meal.

You only wanted bowling.

She's a bit (unreasonably) annoyed as she would have booked bowling for a different time if she'd known no meal.

But regardless, the bowling is still booked, still going ahead, and she's asked you to pay your share for the upcoming event.

You're upset at being asked to pay your share for an event you've agreed to attend.

I think you'll need to clarify the issue to get more "helpful" responses.

Billybagpuss · 01/06/2024 12:13

mrsdineen2 · 01/06/2024 12:10

Kindly OP, your post is confusing - it reads as if:

She wanted bowling and a meal.

You only wanted bowling.

She's a bit (unreasonably) annoyed as she would have booked bowling for a different time if she'd known no meal.

But regardless, the bowling is still booked, still going ahead, and she's asked you to pay your share for the upcoming event.

You're upset at being asked to pay your share for an event you've agreed to attend.

I think you'll need to clarify the issue to get more "helpful" responses.

This is how I read it, but also you clearly don’t like her so this is on you for agreeing to meet in the first place.

pinkfondu · 01/06/2024 12:15

I do t understand, you don't like her and don't want your go, so don't go

Mary46 · 01/06/2024 12:19

Is it a group thing op. If you dont enjoy her company dont meet her going forward. I decided I dont want meet people that drag me down so I dont now.

Frogandfish · 01/06/2024 12:20

I don't get it. So you'd planned bowling and a meal. You've cancelled dinner due to funds. She's a bit salty about that (because she'll have to arrive inconveniently early or late at bowling without eating).

She's now asked you for your share of bowling money ahead of time? Well that bit is fine.

I get you'd like her to have been more understanding about you cancelling dinner but I'm not sure that constitutes toxic behaviour in my book. Just not very tactful.

If you don't like her, pay your share of the bowling, then go or don't go and just don't see her again.

MitskiMoo · 01/06/2024 12:26

She might be a complete monster but it's your actions that are unreasonable in this scenario. Would you feel differently if you actually liked her?

Seaoftroubles · 01/06/2024 12:32

OP, if she is that difficult and you really dread meeting l would text her and say due to this not suiting either of you that you want to cancel completely. Send her any monies outstanding and leave it there. In future don't agree to any more contact, she is not anyone you want to be friends with and you shouldn't feel obligated to keep contact.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/06/2024 12:40

You've agreed to go and already changed the original arrangement, so I think you should go.

But after that, don't arrange any more meet ups. Don't agree to any she suggests. Don't start conversations and don't keep conversations going which she starts.

Just let the contact fade.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 01/06/2024 12:48

mrsdineen2 · 01/06/2024 12:10

Kindly OP, your post is confusing - it reads as if:

She wanted bowling and a meal.

You only wanted bowling.

She's a bit (unreasonably) annoyed as she would have booked bowling for a different time if she'd known no meal.

But regardless, the bowling is still booked, still going ahead, and she's asked you to pay your share for the upcoming event.

You're upset at being asked to pay your share for an event you've agreed to attend.

I think you'll need to clarify the issue to get more "helpful" responses.

OP went on to say her 'friend' isn't bothered that she has financial worries. Which makes me think the real reason she's pissed off is that her 'friend' didn't offer to pay for the meal.

SamW98 · 01/06/2024 12:51

mrsdineen2 · 01/06/2024 12:10

Kindly OP, your post is confusing - it reads as if:

She wanted bowling and a meal.

You only wanted bowling.

She's a bit (unreasonably) annoyed as she would have booked bowling for a different time if she'd known no meal.

But regardless, the bowling is still booked, still going ahead, and she's asked you to pay your share for the upcoming event.

You're upset at being asked to pay your share for an event you've agreed to attend.

I think you'll need to clarify the issue to get more "helpful" responses.

I agree totally The ‘friend’ asking fit half the money for an activity that both are doing is the right thing to do. Why should she be out of pocket ?

But personally I wouldn’t be making plans with someone I don’t like. That’s the big I don’t get - you don’t like this woman so let her fade off into the distance.

Flip

1 2