Toxic friend upset me

[Scenuc]

I met a woman years ago at a hiking group. Somehow she latched on to me. She is very negative and only contacts me when things are going bad for her as though I am a free counsellor.

I remembered this Monday she wanted to meet and I had been putting it off for months so I said I can only go bowling and not the meal due to finances. She has tried to make me feel really bad saying she is annoyed she can't move the bowling time and said she wish she knew sooner. I said at least I did not say on the day to forget the meal. Now she wants me to transfer the money for the bowling as she has booked it. Most people would genuinely understand, at least I did not cancel altogether.

She has had many fall outs with people. She had friends she went to gigs with but falls out with them and deletes and blocks them. She went away with one guy who told her she was the nasiest person she ever met and he left her on her own for the rest of the holiday.

It has really upset me and usually I don't get upset. I have had enough and don't want to go bowling with her.

This seems like a massive waste of mental energy OP. Life is too short for this, you need to tell her that you'd rather not meet.

She initially snapped at me saying I should not text her saying to call as she said I know I she hates texting. She has never told me she hates texting. I don't need her paying for me.

But normally you have to pay for things to book them. So she's booked and paid, and asked you for your share?? Really not understanding the issue here.

You’re a grown up and don’t need anyone’s permission to decide not to continue a friendship. She sounds pretty awful, so stop responding.

You don’t want to see her, so don’t.

If you are going bowling, pay for it.

Yes, this. I mean, look at your title -- 'toxic friend'. Which is a total contradiction in terms. Friends are people you like and enjoy spending time with. You don't like her, so don't spend time with her, and stop agreeing to things you don't want to do and then change your mind, and bitch when someone wants you to pay for something they'd booked on your behalf.

Still doesn’t explain anything. and just making it look like you are the difficult one.

If you don’t want her paying for you what is this thread about? That she was bothered you changed plans and wasn’t grateful you didn’t wait until Monday to change plans? That makes you sound difficult.

Or is this just another one of those threads that’s wrote vaguely on purpose to keep the Op entertained?

She is always aggressive to people then expects to meet up without apologising. I said I can still go bowling but she was nasty in her tone.

I have never heard of a bowling alley not being able to move forward the time, the kids will be back at school and it is not always busy when we been before. I will just give her the bowling money and not go.

Good grief, if you hate her this much why are you socialising with her?

OP you seem to feel that as this woman latched on to you ages ago and considers you a friend or free counsellor this means she needs to remain in your life forever and you are obliged to meet up with her. This isn't correct - you don't have to see or speak to her ever again if you don't want to. Time is precious and you can do whatever you want with your own time. Pay her the bowling money then block and delete and enjoy your life without her in it.

Sounds like you've got in too deep with this one and don't know how to navigate your way out.

You should never have agreed to go for food and bowling with her (especially as you're now concerned about money - these are expensive activities) - I guess you know this now. I would try to unpick why you did that with a view to not repeating it (not just with her - with other people too, why are you agreeing to do things you don't want to do with people you don't like?).

She sounds exactly (right down to the hiking club) like someone I used to know. I also know why she was like this, that meant people were very tolerant to her. Lots of people over the years befriended her (she joined lots of clubs) - not many people could cope with the realities of it long-term. I wouldn't have been able to (thankfully I moved a long distance when things were becoming too much, so that was an easy get out).

If you pull out now then you really need to cover your bowling and hers, surely? Unless you are part of group - she won't want to go by herself. You may have thought you were being kind agreeing to go rather than saying no but the net result is not kind. She was clearly looking forward to eating out and bowling and the change of plan is upsetting to her and she is not coping with it as well as most people would.

Life is too short for toxic people. I make it a firm rule not to have anyone in my life who make me feel worse. This world is hard enough as it is. I'm not talking about good people who are having a hard time btw. That's different. I will go to the wall for a good person who's ill or bereaved. But anyone who brings me down because they're selfish, or boring, or self-centred, or overbearing, or whatever, has got to go. Don't need 'em, don't want 'em.

Life is so short op and there are so many people on the planet that are lovely. What has happened before that makes staying away from people that aren’t nice feel like you’re being unkind? Did you have to pretend to like someone?

Honestly I'm in a similar situation, I met a girl on a fb group to make friends and she is super selfish. I am SO tempted to block her.

Blimey, she sounds awful. Just send her the money and don't go. Tell her that you won't put up with rudeness and being bossed around any more, so that's that. You're not going.

I will just give her the bowling money and not go.

And you think she's the toxic one!

Eh? You think the OP should suck it up and go, despite this so-called friend's history of unpleasantness and falling out with numerous other people?

I'm a bit baffled.

She's paid for bowling thinking you were going for bowling and a meal. Why agree to both if your finances are stretched and even more so you don't want to? She's rightly miffed because she wouldn't have booked just the bowling.

And now you say you'll pay for the bowling and not go, fair enough, but are you paying for both of you?

Otherwise she'll be out money for something she paid for in good faith and now can't go to.

If she's as horrid as you say I wouldn't be planning anything with her.

I honestly don't see her as being toxic though, you're coming across as unreasonable.

Do you want permission to drop her as your friend? If so voila I give you permission. But nothing you have said about her makes her toxic - you are resentful of (dreading) the fact you want to meet her when you don't want to so you changed from bowling+meal to just bowling but you still feel resentful because she was short with you about the plan changes and also because you don't want to go bowling - its a chore.

But the toxicity in the situation is mostly coming from the fact you think she is forcing you to be her friend/go places with you when really its a personal choice. There isn't any actual malevolence there.

You don't like her. The friendship is unpleasant. Use this bowling thing as a way to end it once and for all. This may be a good thing.

Yep. But instead of making plans that she's committed money to, be honest and tell her you want nothing to do with her socially, instead of letting her book and pay for stuff. Its quite simple

Tell her your friendship is over and she being unreasonable about the food.

Just tell her is hard work and emotional negative. Tell her the friendship is not enjoyable

If you don't like this person, but you keep her around anyway and then turn to MN to complain about your "toxic friend" hoping for sympathy and vindication, chances are you might be a bit toxic yourself.

I find it's often the most toxic people who throw this word around to describe others, especially if they're describing someone who's meant to be a friend.

I think you need to take some responsibility here. If you don't like her, and you actually dread spending time with her, then just stop being her friend. It really is that simple.