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Original poster

Getting married but something on my mind

44 replies

tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 09:39

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years.

It didn't start well. We started seeing each other in June/July, and I found out in the October that he hadn't finished his previous 'relationship'. It was a girl who worked in the same industry with him. They weren't officially together but were seeing each other probably for 8 months. He told me he couldn't end it brutally with her because they worked together and it would have caused issues. So he 'phased it out.'

It was a horrible time. He told me they hadn't met in person but they worked together in some capacity via emails/whatsapp. I read the WhatsApp's between them and it was just bloody horrible. She knew about me. Called me 'the bitch'. I think it was quite loose but they did tell each other they loved each other and also spent time together in lockdown at his parents.

Sounds bad I know. But we went to therapy/counselling and got through it. Or more so i had a choice, either end it or bury it.

I have never truly forgotten about it, just buried it deeply. Since, we have gotten engaged the feelings and memories have resurfaced since. I'm unsure why?

I did look at his iPad that we share this week. It is logged onto his iCloud. He knows I use it. I know it was stupid of me but I looked at his photos from the beginning of our relationship and saw things that I wish I hadn't. He had lied to me even more than I thought. Screen shots of WhatsApp's etc. photos. He was doing the same things to her as he does to me. Even same birthday gift!

I just want him to admit to me that he lied. Before marrying him I want him to just tell me the truth of their 'relationship'.

He has said I have now destroyed the relationship by doing this and I am sabotaging it.

"I’ve told you the truth

It’s in the past and I don’t remember or cling on to the details

All that I know is true is that I met you and wanted to be with you and that’s what we did

We started a family and have had a happy relationship and been through a lot and are getting married"

This is what I have received. He is currently away working. We have a baby.

I feel stupid. Have I destroyed it? Should I leave? I don't know why I have suddenly thought about their relationship now, when I thought I'd moved past it. I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Alwaystired23 · 01/06/2024 09:43

I wouldn't marry him personally. He's not a nice person, and I think you will always be wondering, where he is, what he's going. He basically cheated on his last girlfriend with you.

AccountCreateUsername · 01/06/2024 09:45

Don’t marry him. You don’t have to and these won’t go away, they’ll fester. Relationship counselling at the very start of a new relationship is also not a good sign.

You can slow things down and take your time but please listen to your doubts and trust your gut. Good luck OP

Original poster
tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 09:48

Thing is, he is right. Things moved on and it's all been great. I don't know why this has all resurfaced for me? Is it some sort of cold feet?

I saw a message from her saying she's sorry she hurt him and he needs to find someone else etc and that was end of June. But somehow it still carried on until like October.

Then I found out and made him cut all communication and that was it really.

I do trust him funnily enough. Since then he's done nothing to make me feel like I can't. I just don't know why this has just become an issue again for me now, 4 years down the line.

OP posts:
Wizardcalledoz · 01/06/2024 09:48

There's a reason these memories have resurfaced now, it's your brains way of trying to protect you before you take the next step. As the MN adage goes it's easier to cancel a wedding than break off a marriage.

He treated both of you horribly, and it was only 4 years ago. So you've only had 3 decent years that you know of.

Springwatch123 · 01/06/2024 09:50

Have you pre-wedding nerves?

You say for four years, you’ve been in a good relationship, and he’s been trustworthy and loyal. He was also honest at the beginning about what happened.

Don’t throw a good relationship for what happened at the beginning. Maybe he was economical with the truth, or maybe you forgot what he said at the time.

Seaoftroubles · 01/06/2024 09:52

I would be very wary as he has form. He's lied, cheated on his last girlfriend with you and kept things from you, or at the least been economical with the truth. I wouldn't be marrying him, although you have a baby together so l can see that complicates things even more.

Original poster
tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 09:53

Springwatch123 · 01/06/2024 09:50

Have you pre-wedding nerves?

You say for four years, you’ve been in a good relationship, and he’s been trustworthy and loyal. He was also honest at the beginning about what happened.

Don’t throw a good relationship for what happened at the beginning. Maybe he was economical with the truth, or maybe you forgot what he said at the time.

I do think it's pre wedding nerves.

But I do know that he also has lied or kept the truth from me.

And I just finally want him to tell me the real truth. Before we get married.

He really played down the relationship, but in truth it was a lot deeper than he said. I think they moved in with each other at one point. Or at least staying together at his for a while.

Lots of loving messages to each other. It was like a full blown committed relationship.

Feel so sad that the special things he does for me, he did with her. I know that's stupid.

OP posts:
wizarddry · 01/06/2024 09:53

I don't know how on earth you've got to the stage where you're marrying this bloke

Original poster
tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 09:54

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 09:53

I don't know how on earth you've got to the stage where you're marrying this bloke

Honestly, as much as I know it is bad, things have been great since then. We both worked together and have a fantastic relationship now.

OP posts:
Everythingiscalmfornow · 01/06/2024 09:56

My feeling is you know what level of deception he is capable of.
Perhaps all is fine now but I don't see how you can trust him not to behave similarly in the future.
You are not sabotaging the relationship. It is his past behaviour that has done that. You have every right to be upset about what happened and you are sensible to think about it given the big step you are contemplating in marrying him.
Personally I wouldn't trust him and I wouldn't marry him.

OMGsamesame · 01/06/2024 09:56

He made you the other woman but you didn't know it. For FOUR MONTHS.

You haven't ruined the relationship. He did that by being a cheat.

How do you know he hasn't cheated rhe rest of the time?

HelenTudorFisk · 01/06/2024 09:57

I mean… it’s interesting it’s the wedding that’s set this off. You have a child together. That’s far more of a commitment…

Original poster
tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 09:58

OMGsamesame · 01/06/2024 09:56

He made you the other woman but you didn't know it. For FOUR MONTHS.

You haven't ruined the relationship. He did that by being a cheat.

How do you know he hasn't cheated rhe rest of the time?

I fully know he hasn't. He works from home most the time and when he is away from work he is with people I know. She doesn't work for the company anymore and is now in fact married herself.

I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I do trust him now. I don't know why he did what he did. It was horrid and stupid of him. She knew about me. But still carried on. Apparently she dated other people too throughout their 'relationship'.

OP posts:
Original poster
tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 09:59

HelenTudorFisk · 01/06/2024 09:57

I mean… it’s interesting it’s the wedding that’s set this off. You have a child together. That’s far more of a commitment…

I know. I have no idea why it's worked that way, but it has.

OP posts:
OolongTeaDrinker · 01/06/2024 10:00

In your position as you have a child, I would go ahead with the marriage for the legal and financial protection and then decide what to do. If you didn’t have a child with him I would say run for the hills as he can’t be trusted.

MonsteraMama · 01/06/2024 10:00

Perhaps the sensible part of your brain is telling you not to marry someone who is so comfortable treating another woman like shit that he let you watch him do it right at the start of your relationship?

I cannot get over him being like "yeah you're the other woman, I'm not breaking up with her though I'm just going to slowly ghost her, oh by the way she knows about you, look here's her calling you a bitch" and you STAYED?? Do you have any self esteem at all?

OMGsamesame · 01/06/2024 10:00

tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 09:58

I fully know he hasn't. He works from home most the time and when he is away from work he is with people I know. She doesn't work for the company anymore and is now in fact married herself.

I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I do trust him now. I don't know why he did what he did. It was horrid and stupid of him. She knew about me. But still carried on. Apparently she dated other people too throughout their 'relationship'.

Show quote history

Sorry but you can't prove a negative.

If he came out with those shit excuses for why he was still seeing her what else is he going to find difficult - not making a pass at the next opportunity with someone else? Not having an emotional affair with a different colleague? Not sleeping with someone on a boys holiday?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2024 10:01

I'm being brutal here but only marry him if you need the financial security eg if you have given up work and he earns more and has put more into the home. If you have more assets than him then don't marry him.

Original poster
tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 10:01

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2024 10:01

I'm being brutal here but only marry him if you need the financial security eg if you have given up work and he earns more and has put more into the home. If you have more assets than him then don't marry him.

Yes, I am in the position where I have left work to be a sahm and he is the sole earner.

OP posts:
Original poster
tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 10:02

MonsteraMama · 01/06/2024 10:00

Perhaps the sensible part of your brain is telling you not to marry someone who is so comfortable treating another woman like shit that he let you watch him do it right at the start of your relationship?

I cannot get over him being like "yeah you're the other woman, I'm not breaking up with her though I'm just going to slowly ghost her, oh by the way she knows about you, look here's her calling you a bitch" and you STAYED?? Do you have any self esteem at all?

No, I had no self esteem at that point in my life actually. I do now, I have worked hard on myself.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 01/06/2024 10:02

So he still hasn't admitted the extent of his deceit and the depth of their relationship? Even now?

It's your digging that has established that?

That's not someone who is trustworthy.

Do you have to get married?

Can you just stay as you are for a while longer?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2024 10:02

OolongTeaDrinker · 01/06/2024 10:00

In your position as you have a child, I would go ahead with the marriage for the legal and financial protection and then decide what to do. If you didn’t have a child with him I would say run for the hills as he can’t be trusted.

Yup.

Littlebitofsomething · 01/06/2024 10:03

I wouldn't marry him.

Original poster
tumbleleaf · 01/06/2024 10:04

BlastedPimples · 01/06/2024 10:02

So he still hasn't admitted the extent of his deceit and the depth of their relationship? Even now?

It's your digging that has established that?

That's not someone who is trustworthy.

Do you have to get married?

Can you just stay as you are for a while longer?

No, he says he doesn't want to go into that now as time has passed and it will be sabotaging what we have now. He said he knows what he did was wrong, and he apologised back when it happened and we worked together to move on. So he is bewildered as to why now I've brought it up again.

OP posts:
HelenTudorFisk · 01/06/2024 10:04

So not only have you had a child with someone you don’t really trust, you’ve become a SAHM without the protections of marriage?
Absolute madness. You should absolutely marry him now only for the protections it will afford you.

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