Getting married but something on my mind

[tumbleleaf]

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years.

It didn't start well. We started seeing each other in June/July, and I found out in the October that he hadn't finished his previous 'relationship'. It was a girl who worked in the same industry with him. They weren't officially together but were seeing each other probably for 8 months. He told me he couldn't end it brutally with her because they worked together and it would have caused issues. So he 'phased it out.'

It was a horrible time. He told me they hadn't met in person but they worked together in some capacity via emails/whatsapp. I read the WhatsApp's between them and it was just bloody horrible. She knew about me. Called me 'the bitch'. I think it was quite loose but they did tell each other they loved each other and also spent time together in lockdown at his parents.

Sounds bad I know. But we went to therapy/counselling and got through it. Or more so i had a choice, either end it or bury it.

I have never truly forgotten about it, just buried it deeply. Since, we have gotten engaged the feelings and memories have resurfaced since. I'm unsure why?

I did look at his iPad that we share this week. It is logged onto his iCloud. He knows I use it. I know it was stupid of me but I looked at his photos from the beginning of our relationship and saw things that I wish I hadn't. He had lied to me even more than I thought. Screen shots of WhatsApp's etc. photos. He was doing the same things to her as he does to me. Even same birthday gift!

I just want him to admit to me that he lied. Before marrying him I want him to just tell me the truth of their 'relationship'.

He has said I have now destroyed the relationship by doing this and I am sabotaging it.

"I’ve told you the truth

It’s in the past and I don’t remember or cling on to the details

All that I know is true is that I met you and wanted to be with you and that’s what we did

We started a family and have had a happy relationship and been through a lot and are getting married"

This is what I have received. He is currently away working. We have a baby.

I feel stupid. Have I destroyed it? Should I leave? I don't know why I have suddenly thought about their relationship now, when I thought I'd moved past it. I honestly don't know what to do.

After you found about his previous girlfriend, why didn't you ditch him because you knew then he wasn't free? That should have been the end of the matter but you both continued & had a child together. Really irresponsible.

Marriage is about commitment, honesty, trust, loyalty and respect to another person. I think this is why it is bringing up your feelings from this time. You are questioning whether the therapy has changed the character of the inner man enough, to the point he will always be committed, honest, trustworthy, loyal and respectful to you. Only you can answer that.

I don't think the pregnancy and baby stirred up the same feelings as too many women end up as single parents and cope magnificently without a man around. It's become more normal and less weight is placed upon it all (rightly or wrongly).

EDIT- So not only have you had a child with someone you don’t really trust, you’ve become a SAHM without the protections of marriage?

Good grief. Get a fucking job and start protecting yourself. Being a sahp without the protection of marriage is fucking insanity.

I agree marry him for the financial protection but be on your guard.

You needed counselling before you’re even married/have only been together a few years. Why bother?? Long term relationships are meant to be easy and fun!

Well, he didn't make it out that they were officially a couple. He even says to this day they were not and it was more of a fwb thing that had grown feelings but still didn't progress to a committed relationship.

I don't know why I didn't leave him when I found out in the October. Might have even been November. I think mentally I wasn't in a great place.

I guess our relationship since then has been easy and fun. We have a great life together. We are both great parents.

I'm glad you worked on yourself and improved your self esteem. Is it out of the question then with your new, improved sense of self to believe you're worthy of a man who isn't from the bottom of the barrel?

You say he's changed too. How much can he have changed when he's still lying to you AND blaming you for his own transgressions? People who say "you've destroyed the relationship" when their partner raises valid concerns instead of sitting and talking about said concerns are not good people. You may have done a lot of growing, doesn't sound like he has.

I think a lot of people in the early stages of a relationship may not be entirely truthful. Maybe because they're waiting to see how things pan out before burning their bridges. He probably lied because he didn't want to risk losing your relationship once established by being honest about early behaviour. He sounds like he chose you. He was happy to risk losing her by telling her about you which is further evidence that he chose you. If you love him marry him, at the very least it will give you security and it may alleviate any lingering doubts and cement your commitment to each other. Men can be jerks!

It is not always true that marriage gives you financial protection. In order to force someone into court to be fair about finances you have to have money in the first place. Do you know how much a divorce costs?

I think the decision to have a baby with him was probably the time to consider if you can trust him, rather than the point of marriage. You've been burrying your head and accepted his minimising of the relationship, when really, once you knew they had told each other they loved each other, it was obviously serious and you didn't need more proof than that.
It would be clear cut from my pov. If the overlap consisted of him being physical with her still, after he had been with you, it's a definite NO!

He doesn't want to go into it because he knows it was a far bigger deal than it was. He doesn't want you to know.

If you're happy with someone who refuses to deal with huge problems like this then all power to you.

Yes, this is how I think about it all too.

i know someone who was in a similar situation and she was devastated when she found our her then boyfriend was still in another relationship for months after they got together. She forgave him though and they are happily married for some time now with young kids. She does trust him too, I guess it depends on the situation / the person but it’s possible to move on from it. I guess your question to yourself is would you rather split & share custody of your baby or carry on. You don’t have to marry him though.

No, he hasn't apologised to you for what he did. He's apologised for a version of the truth which isn't real. How can he have apologised when he hasn't even been honest about what happened?

And in any case, you aren't asking for an apology, you're asking for the truth.

You know he lied. The message you saw - that shows that she was trying to finish with him, not the other way around. So it's likely things ended with her because she wanted them to, not because he wanted to commit to you. I daresay if he could have got away with it, and she'd have been up for it, they would have been together for longer.

He lied about how involved they were. He lied about the fact he loved her.

He made you the OW.

He owes you the truth. And if he isn't willing to tell you the truth now, then he's showing a serious lack of concern for you, or care for your feelings.

I would say don't marry this man. You know he's willing to lie to people he loves, if it protects himself. The only way you could rid yourself of this very reasonable niggle is if he comes abolsutely clean, owns it and doesn't try to deflect or blame other people. Even then I'd be very cautious.

That said, I am concerned that you've stopped working before being married. If you split up now you have no financial protection for the lost wages / lost pension / career break. Can you resume your career without too much damage? If so, I'd say you're much better off without him if he isn't willing to be truthful.

It sounds like she called things off with him but he tried to still pursue her? And you asked him to cut ties. So maybe it’s on your mind as perhaps he didn’t choose this path but felt forced to. Maybe you’re worried that as he didn’t end with her if his own violation it may pick back up again in the future? I’m only saying these things (which I realise are hurtful, and I’m sorry they are) as I’ve been in a similar position, and that was how I thought of it. Personally I wouldn’t marry him - you’re worth more than this and deserve someone who chooses you every day.

and if you haven’t had therapy please try it - it really does help clarify your thoughts and will help you make a decision based on what you want. So if the wedding is still something you’re thinking of, can you delay it by another year to give yourself time to think things through properly?

Well you've already made the bigger commitment (the DC) and taken the bigger risk (giving up your financial independence), so getting cold feet about the wedding is odd. As for this -

I just want him to admit to me that he lied. Before marrying him I want him to just tell me the truth of their 'relationship'.

Getting him to admit this is neither here nor there. You know he's a liar. He lied then, he's not admitting lying more. What difference does that make? It won't magically make all those bad things he did go away. You had the counselling and the choice to break up or bury it. You chose the latter and of course it's not so easy and it resurfaces, but you did make your choice and compounded it with the DC and the SAHM situation. If you genuinely mean everything else about how great it's been since and how much you trust him, I'd drop it. If that's not true, then rethink your choice as burying it hasn't worked and the only other option is to break up.

It sounds as though you really weren't able to resolve this in counselling which is probably why it's resurfacing now.

I went through counselling with an exP who had (what I thought was) an emotional affair. I really believed we'd dealt with it but then I later discovered he had minimised it and there were some pretty significant facts he'd neglected to mention. For me, counselling is the place where both sides have to be brutally opposite especially if they want to save the relationship. If he didn't tell you everything then I can understand why this is resurfacing now.

Walking away from a relationship especially with a little one, is a massive decision. Maybe you could have a few sessions of counselling to help you untangle your thoughts?

@tumbleleaf sorry but I sort of agree with your partner on this. You are 4 years down the line, with a baby, about to get married and you are bringing this up now? I genuinely don’t know whats to gain by him admitting he lied, you already know he was lying at the time as you found messages / photos. It was also very early stages where you had no ties with him so you could have very easily ended the relationship at that time but you didn’t. You still wanted to be with him knowing he was cheating and lying at that time. If everything is fine as you say; then I would just drop this. Unless you aren’t being completely honest with yourself and there has been other things along the way that is making you question things?

It will (rightly or wrongly) always give more protection than not being married though, no matter how much or how little money there is.