Another mother one…

[Foolmetentimes]

I’ve posted a few times re my mother and always received amazing support and advice so just wanted to vent/post as stupidly I’ve allowed my guard down and boundaries down and yet again just getting emotionally shanked by her. I guess also just looking for someone to say “this is not acceptable.

I am expecting a baby and we are buying another house. My mother has made several disparaging remarks about the (beautiful) house we are buying. She doesn’t like it, it’s not her taste, another house we don’t want is much nicer etc etc.

today our offer was accepted and I told her. She didn’t bother to reply. I had enough and said “you don’t seem very excited”.

her response was “do stop. I don’t give a flying fig about the house but I’m so excited about the baby”.

me “can’t you see that even if you don’t care it’s polite to pretend?” (How you can’t care about a big decision your child is making/big excitement for them I don’t know but I could be wrong.

her “vent if you need to - im just so excited about the baby”.

i (potentially childishly) said that I won’t bother discussing house with her and I also won’t bother to care about stuff she tells me.

I know it’s my fault for putting myself out there with her again and being disappointed. I feel extremely petty now and think I won’t be having her round the day the baby is born, as per usual. And I won’t be going above and beyond for her birthday.

I just don’t understand how someone can think this isn’t hurtful? Am I overreacting?

I don't give a shit about other people's houses either.

So what? You're not this poster's mother (or are you?).

You would expect your mother to be excited about something that made you happy, OP. I would be hurt too.

Sure but would you give a shit if it was your child moving?

also I guess the point is - oughtn't you pretend you do if you’re having any sort of social interaction.

I wouldn’t usually just say “I don’t give a shit about that”.

This is good. As now you have more ammunition for getting her out of your life and keeping her there.

Thank you for this

Ignore her op. She’ll never change.

When we told my dm about the house we were buying she said it wasn’t fair that my much cleverer db couldn’t afford it and dh and I shouldn’t have it as dh hadn’t even got a degree!
Dh fortunately had a very well paid career that he worked hard to progress in whilst db gave up his career for his very needy dw.

Jesus - sorry you’ve been in the same boat.

it’s so hard because somehow she always reels me back in and then something like this happens. I’m sure if I bring it up again she will say “I was only joking” or “don’t be so dramatic”. Etc. it is often hard to know she’s wrong even when I know because of her responses!

I’m not particularly interested in other peoples houses either, although I would be polite and acknowledge it. What I wouldn’t be is excited and I really wouldn’t appreciate being expected to pretend I was excited either.

There’s a difference between literally ignoring someone/making rude comments and pretending to be excited.

although I do think if my daughter bought a house I would 1) be excited for her and 2) if I somehow failed to muster that excitement, pretend to be

isn’t that normal?

Yeah I think I get you. Pissing on your parade and making you feel foolish for involving her.

Not about buying a house but I moved to a gorgeous quirky little rented studio by the sea in my 20s. I was fizzing with excitement. It was just what I needed and I was lucky to get it. DM had a face a mile long and moaned about 'her daughter living in a place like this' (it was small with a slightly shabby hallway but gorgeous location and views).

I think there are elements of very set ideas and having done it all themselves and not being bothered to go into it if you don't want to do things their way. Mine is mostly just waiting to get back to talking about herself. More reasons but I feel best limiting contact.

I don’t think it’s normal to be offended because someone isn’t having the emotional reaction you want them to have. You knew she didn’t like the house (her prerogative) so I’m not sure why you messaged her challenging her about not being excited.

Everybody doesn’t have to be excited about everything. Other people’s houses, weddings or holiday’s just aren’t exciting to most people. Why do you need your mother to be excited about it?

I don't think she should pretend to be excited for you if she's not, but what she should do is at least be polite, which she wasn't. Something like 'great news, so pleased for you' isn't exactly hard work is it. She was truthful and it wasn't what you wanted to hear. your message 'you don't seem very excited' invited the response you got given her unenthusiastic state, which she's made no secret of. You could've said 'we're really excited, I know you don't like the house but I hope you are pleased for us' which would've invited a different response. Do you see what I mean?
Is she a type that is rude a lot but thinks that's ok because she's telling her truth? I've no time for people like that, being more precise with your wording will help to get more positive responses from people like this usually. Tact and manners cost nothing and mean everything, unfortunately there are people who just don't think like this.

Do you have children?

The definition of madness - keep on doing the same thing and expecting a different result each time...

I wouldn't bother trying to gain her approval going forward,
A simple "That's good news. I 'm happy for you" wouldn't exactly hurt. Even if she didn't like the house,

Maybe my expectations are too high - I have plenty of friends who are moving house. Whether or not I like their houses is immaterial/I am happy for them as THEY like their houses.

I don’t feel like I’m trying to force a reaction I think it’s just basic manners.

90% of her conversation about her friends and pets etc is not of interest to me. I don’t say that to her though - it’s rude! Nor do I act bored when she tells me, I’m just usually engaging.

Yes but then some people on this thread think she’s fine!

It's not about the house, it's about acknowledging someone's happiness and a significant event in their life with simple magnanimity instead of being arsey and making it about yourself

The “getting back to talking about herself” has really resonated with me.

your coastal flat sounded lovely!

What a dick.

It's about control, and when they can't micro-manage something to their exact liking, they sulk. She knew that you were reaching out for emotional validation or just to feel some motherly uplift, but she denied it and was petulant. Pathetic. I'm far too familiar with this behaviour :(

Unless you were moving into a dangerous area, I'd be happy for you. Congratulations for your new house sale.

The house is 5 mins from another house she preferred. Agree it’s probably control - the house she preferred was very very near hers. She just wanted us to get that one and is probably angry we didn’t listen.

thank you !

Ummm......yes they are! Not 'I'm not going to sleep tonight' kind of excited, but people do feel uplifted by major things going well in other people's lives. Weddings aren't just any event, ffs.

I don't think you're great with people, judging by this. I'm sure you will find people in life who are like you, and maybe you get on fine with them, but most people won't be. People have emotional needs, and that's ok.

This isn't someone she's met on the bus ffs (and actually, a lot of total strangers would be interested and happy for the OP even if they didn't know her). This is her mother.

I personally wouldn't have sent her the text because she clearly wasn't excited and I'm more direct, but it's perfectly reasonable to expect one's own mother to be excited about something like a house purchase. You're making it sound like she was telling her mum she's switched brands of washing powder!

Yes I probably shouldn’t have sent the text I was just so annoyed after her comments at the weekend and then her ignoring the initial news on the group chat which everyone else responded to in the usual way.

Yes she is, and she was thinking of what's best for her, not what's best for you. That isn't generous or loving. Again, I'm familiar with that because I've had someone try to get me to live in certain place that was more convenient for them as well. 5 mins is NOTHING. Jesus! She needs to get a grip? Does she have any friends OP, or just people she considered underlings?

When showing someone different options and maybe asking their opinion, it's natural for them to be honest and let you know 'Well I personally like that one actually, and I think it would be great for this & that'. If you went on & on at them and tried to corner them into saying they love the same thing as you (as some people do have the tendency to do this), then I can understand why someone would lose their temper and be irked by that, but I'm assuming you didn't do this.

The more generous and open thing to do would be for her to have just had the attitude of 'Well as long as you're happy & safe', but people like this aren't like that. They have to have their own way all or most of the time, and if they don't, they will punish you somehow for it. I've had sulks as well and nasty digs said to me.

The house context was very much - house A we saw and liked, but it had some big problems so we ruled it out. House B I massively fell in love with and wanted right away and she was just like “I don’t like this house, I don’t like how it looks” etc. it reminded me of someone insulting a baby’s name AFTER you’ve chosen it. Just totally unnecessary. I was not at all trying to get her to say she liked it, but I don’t think all the negative comments were called for.

im so sorry that you have experience in this area too - it feels very unfair.

she has friends but is definitely someone who likes to gossip negatively about friends rather than share exciting news if you see what I mean.