A big family event when DH and I have separate lives.

[Mayorjune]

'D'H and I lead separate lives.
I'm trying to get the financial info together before telling him I can't live like this anymore.
We have a family event (his) at the end of July and a major one in December.
I can't face having to put on a happy face in December and don't know how to do it in July.
I may well announce the separation before December, in which case how do I navigate the family Dec event?
Our children will be upset if I don't go.

Fake illness n July?

Depends on what the family events are

I'd do it in private with him and take it from there. You could tell the important people in good time, then attend the events but make yourself scarce as early as possible......

Congratulations on your impending new life btw xxxx I hope you build something you really value xxx

If it's your husband's relatives for both events you won't be expected to attend, or even be invited once you break up surely? People don't go to their exes relatives parties.
Either be 'sick' for the summer one, or go and don't give it much thought.

@coldbrocisbest

If it was something like my child getting married then I'd find it in myself to 'play happy families' once more for the sake of their day going well.

If it was my SIL's husband's granny's 90th birthday party then I wouldn't.

Make sense?

Depends on the event in July of course but I agree with feign illness if it’s not your child’s wedding or something massively important.

@coldbrocisbest I don't think something like this is ever that black and white. Hence my original comment.

Even if it was my child's wedding and even if my child were aware I'm in an unhappy marriage, I wouldn't want to announce (even to just my husband and kids) a separation weeks before their wedding day.

If I've already endured it for 20 years a few more weeks or months isn't going to make much of a difference being that I'd be doing it to put my child's big day first.

Plus she already said she's getting stuff together before actually doing it.

It's a wedding in Dec.
Big party end July.

Why wait 6 months to end it? Thats. It really fair on either of you.

Which wedding and which party?

Your child’s engagement party and your child’s wedding are very different to BIL’s 50th and Uncle Fred’s nuptials.

I don't think children are terribly interested in weddings.

I would plan something else Christmassy and exciting to do a short time after the wedding. Maybe start a new Christmas tradition.

I would split as soon as possible. There will always be a party, illness, event or something awkward so seize the day!

Do either of these events involve booking non-refundable travel? When are the rsvp dates?

the dates for those things are your cutoff dates really if you don’t want drama. Even if you do back out after booking travel, it’s not the end of the world, it’s just money lost.

@coldbrocisbest no doubt. But I doubt they'd want to hear the sad news weeks before their own wedding. I wouldn't do it to my kids and that is fine. If you would do it to yours that's fine too. There's no right or wrong here.

Don’t waste today worrying about tomorrow. You’ll figure it out closer to the time.

If it’s his family, I just wouldn’t go. Simple. Your kids will need to get used to it - and they will. Start now and pull off the sticking plaster op. You’ll feel better.

It isn't my child's wedding but it's family.
Thanks all - I'll have a think about the wedding.
The summer event is only a few hours and if the music's loud I'll probably want to leave early anyway.

Put yourself first op.
Isn't it about time?
Will you next event be Christmas? Then maybe birthdays? Then Easter? Summer holiday? Ime there is always something in the pipeline...
End things while your mh is still able to.

Unless things end really badly it is possible to still attend important family events together, particularly when you have a long history.

If you can end things amicably then things like this don't have to cause too much trauma.

The key thing here is to talk to your husband and see how you can move forward. He may be as unhappy as you and wants to make changes too but isn't brave enough to make the first move.