does this scream of panic and guilt or have I lost the plot

[tignus]

been with my husband 40 years, first and only BF.
Been becoming increasingly concerned for various reasons which would take too long to tell you, that something occurred in 2015 with 27 year old woman when he was 48.
I have been looking at her recent flirting with him and I felt it’s mutual. There’s a vibe. He has admitted recently that he knows she fancies him and he ‘did’ fancy her ‘a bit’ back in 2015 when their paths crossed.
I feel like I’m in a threesome. She is now married to his best mate.
Best mate appears oblivious to her flirting and continues contact with my husband as normal.
My husband likes many of her instagram photos on her photgrapher husband’s page. Sometimes with more than one account. I did check those accounts but couldn’t find any messaging.
I don’t want to make this long but basically I have been digging about her and him for a while, just letting him know I suspect.

He’s been being super nice since christmas when I accused him of being a liar and a cheat (for various reasons). It did not get resolved due to family coming to stay.

The other day I just came out with it because I can’t stop the thoughts, now they’re there. It’s so upsetting. He looked so handsome back then I was looking at photos of him.
I said ‘are you sure nothing was going on with you and …. back in 2015?'

I was called nuts, crazy, his eyes were blazing, he said why don’t you like her I thought you liked her.

I left it there as he is intimidating.

He left it about 10 mins then came into another room I was in, and shut the door. He likes doing that. So you can’t walk off.

He said that our eldest son doesn’t have his teeth or the same legs as him and was it (his mate’s) son? I said well that’s not possible is it I’ve never been with anyone else. He’s obviously your son. We have 4 children TOGETHER.

Then he said he’d had genital warts 4 years ago where had I been? I said well that’s not possible either is it, just no. You’re the only person I’ve been with. He did cheat on me in uni because as he put it recently he did regret it but I was ’needy’ and he picked them up then. I found this out in a row when I was 36 with 4 kids.

He rubbished my own family, uses them as a weapon to devalue me. Said I trapped him, that we all do this to the men.

Then he said he was going out mountain biking and not to worry he would not be going to …. house to fuck her. He said I should call round to ask her and what an idiot I would look.

and stormed off.

High stakes, It’s his best friend, who clearly doesn’t know and doesn’t appear to notice the flirting. Would she lie too, she’d have been showing her face at our house for 9 years and we went to their wedding? Is she just looking for attention?

Have I lost the plot?
Is he projecting?

How have you been with him 40 years when he was 48 in 2015?

If he was 17 when they began dating? He’d be 57 now, so could be a 40 year relationship.

This all sounds horrible @tignus. Whether he's cheated with this woman or not, it's an awful dynamic that can't continue. I think that marriage counselling would really benefit you both, as might cutting out these "friends".

Living with suspicion and angst like this is no life.

If he won't agree to counselling and won't address the issues, then I'm afraid that in our situation I would be upping and leaving.

Good luck.

He sounds absolutely vile.

I think the other woman is pretty irrelevant, although I understand why you want to know what's going on there.

Your husband is a horrible man who treats you with disdain and disrespect. You don't talk to people you love like that. You don't block them in rooms to continue ranting at them, or intimidate them so much they can't answer. He's cheated on you in the past and given you reason since then to distrust him, but gets angry that you might still hold suspicions rather than trying to reassure you.

I don't know what your situation is to know if you can leave. But ultimately he is a scummy man who behaves in a scummy way and nothing is going to change that.

It sounds like he implied your son wasn't his because (as you say) you keep digging that he has had a fling with her?

Gosh! Forty years of his scummy behaviour and you had 4 kids with him?

Good luck going into old age with him. He’s making you insecure and unhappy. Tell him to wipe his own dribble (or ass) when he can no longer do it. Get out whilst you’re still young enough to make a new life for yourself.

I wouldn’t worry about the possibility of another woman, but I’d be getting out of this while I could. What do you gain from being in this relationship?

I met him in 1985, he was 19 and I was 20, so in 2015 he was 48, possibly just 49

He'll never admit to something that happened in 2015. but trust your instinct - you didn't leave him then would you leave now? He's being awful about it instead of reassuring which is perhaps what you are looking for.

What's your financial situation, OP? I would want to leave him. I couldn't bear that kind of bullying.

I’d get half the house I suppose, I don’t have a pension, he took his early and he stopped working early (after our son got cancer) so it’s not that much. He doesn’t share it. He told our daughter I should’ve organised my own, whilst working part time and raising 4 kids. lol, when I type the words it does make me wince. Probably good that I’m doing this.

I run my own little online business and I do ok out of it. We’ve just started in the past month a b&b with only 1 room so far which is going very well.

He’s never wrong. He never apologises

Sounds like you hate each other.

I feel like he hates me when I challenge him, I don’t hate him, I’ve loved him all my life, I hate the behaviour. When we get along he makes me laugh and we have fun times and I’ve felt very happy, but has it all been a fake veneer from his side. This is what is bothering me, was I seeing something that wasn’t really there all this time, behind the scenes has there been a lot of cheating.

You either need to separate or decide to stay and get over whatever might have happened in 2015 - if he's not going to admit something from 9 years ago (which you've got no proper proof of to definitely say what happened) and if you just continue to bring it up you're both going to have a crap time of it.

You'll drive yourself mad checking who's liking what Instagram pictures and checking for messages. If you don't trust him to the point that's your reality then I'd leave - you're just going to keep digging at social media and at him, keep bringing up accusations then it's just going to create a horrible atmosphere for you and the children.

Is his best friend really that oblivious, or is there nothing there? Just a thought, it would be odd if you noticed a 9 year flirting / cheating situation and her husband was totally unaware!

He doesn't sound very nice in general from your post though!

Your husband is abusive bullying scum.
He uses intimidation to shut you down.
You are in an abusive relationship.
From what you have written I would put money on him cheating.
But that really is the least of your worries.
Talk to Women's aid. You need support.
Tell family and friends of his abuse of you.
He really is scum and you deserve better.

If my dh accused our ds of not being his he would be gone..

And if he's had genital warts, I hope you're taking care of your health.

He isn’t seperate from his behaviour. He decides to behave that way.

What would you say if one of your children said “he is intimidating.He left it about 10 mins then came into another room I was in, and shut the door. He likes doing that. So you can’t walk off”. I don’t think you would think they were in a healthy or safe relationship.

He is vile

My husband likes many of her instagram photos on her photgrapher husband’s page. Sometimes with more than one account.
That's stalkerish. Most people don't have multiple accounts, why does he?

I was called nuts, crazy, his eyes were blazing, he said why don’t you like her I thought you liked her. I left it there as he is intimidating.
If that happens a lot then it is a form of abuse. It's designed to shut you up.

You know what? I cant be bothered picking bits out. You are in a nasty and controlling relationship with a nasty disrespectful man. It will NEVER get better so you need to decide to put up with a horrible abusive man until you are totally broken or make plans to get out. Remember that if you choose to stay you will have another thirty years of this (it will get worse once the kids leave as there will be zero witnesses). Can you do thirty years? (PS, half his pension is yours in a divorce as is all assets).

Look up abuse on Women's Aid, Relate, Refuge, government and local councils webpages and you will see your signs all listed. Then look up DARVO. He's a master at it.

Well it's a bit cliché to deflect from an accusation, by doing outlandish accusations in return questioning parentage. He's also fallen foul of the classic "if I've been cheating, others must cheat also" attitude. Its actually backfired, as if he did have genital warts, he could of only got them from someone else. He was trying to make you feel as guilty, hoping you'd had dalliance to make him feel better. However, as you know you've been loyal, he's in a cheating league of his own.
I'd be enclined to casually pass the odd comment to his mate, "your DW gets on very well with my DH", sort of thing, might help him wake up to it.
As he has retired and is refusing to share his pension, I hope he does his own laundry and majority of the housework, otherwise you have been a bit of a mug. It's never too late to see the light though.
Also, you'd be able to get a share of his pension if you divorced him that would wrankle him.

thank you all for your comments, they are very much appreciated.

And yes the above is just snippet, tip of the iceberg really.

I’ve been hoping to fix someone who is too broken to fix.

This is fairly devastating to read. I’m really sorry OP. He sounds like a monster.