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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you dare bring this up?

34 replies

ARaspberryberet · 30/05/2024 20:00

Me and DH are separated a while. He had a baby last year and our children see the baby as their brother. Exh and the woman got pregnant very soon after seeing each other but she had been in long enough relationship. Perhaps cheated but I don't know nor is it my business. Rumours surfaced that this other man thought he was the dad but it was point blank refused and was told he was wrong.
Time has went past and the little baby has got older and I have to say I see zero resemblance of our children at all and I don't in my opinion see my exh in the little boy either. One or two of exh family members think the same but everyone is too afraid to say it. The little boy may very well be his and I suppose that's why a few of us are afraid to say anything. It's a cruel thing to say if the the child is actually his and he doesn't seem to have any doubts despite knowing there was a clash in timing. Do you wait and see if he ever questions it or do you bite the bullet and voice your concern when you could be very wrong? I think for the children too it's very messed up

OP posts:
Clueless2024 · 30/05/2024 20:05

If your exH isn't questioning paternity, leave it.

raspberryberet7 · 30/05/2024 20:07

I think it's none of your business and not your place to say tbh

MonsteraMama · 30/05/2024 20:09

Not your child, not your business, not your place. I'm sure he's not a moron and it's crossed his mind, and he hasn't pursued it. What benefit would there be in poking that particular wound with a sharp stick? I can't think of any way it wouldn't make you look spiteful and mean.

Leave them to it and mind your business.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/05/2024 20:09

raspberryberet7 · 30/05/2024 20:07

I think it's none of your business and not your place to say tbh

It will impact op‘s children as it will reduce maintanance.

Bananawotsit · 30/05/2024 20:10

It’s really none of your business.
he may know and not care. I look nothing like my half sister. She looks like her dad and I look like mine.

Original poster
ARaspberryberet · 30/05/2024 20:26

No. No . No
I'd never say anything, it's none of my business and nor would I want any involvement in any sense. But im confused as to why a brother or sister don't say it to him if that's what they also have a fear of.
No I'm aware it would come across as spiteful or bitter from my end even though we've been split a very long time now, we've a good relationship for the children and with each other, there's no spitefulness on my end. We've both been with different partners years since spliting. There's no badness with me and exh I'd never ever personally say anything myself. I should have said that in my opening thread

OP posts:
Original poster
ARaspberryberet · 30/05/2024 20:29

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/05/2024 20:09

It will impact op‘s children as it will reduce maintanance.

Show quote history

I think that's a very unfair comment.
I dont have a crap relationship with my exh. He pays the sane maintenance since his new son has been born and that was exh choice. I've been lucky that we've maintained good co-parents. So please don't try to make out I'm some spiteful baby mama. There's nothing like that going on

OP posts:
Toastiecroissant · 30/05/2024 20:32

It’s not that I wouldn’t ‘dare’ it’s that it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. Your ex is happy with the situation and he has his own eyes, if it’s so obvious to everyone. Maybe he knows the child isn’t his, maybe he doesn’t care, maybe he knows for sure it is his. You/no one else knows.
you need to coparent amicably and I can’t imagine accusing his partner of cheating and saying you think his child isn’t his, is going to help that.
for other people too, it’s an incredibly rude thing to say, and what could be the positive outcome? That it splits the family, the child loses its father figure, dh is heart broken, your dc are heartbroken? Or that person damages their relationship with ex forever for accusing his DP.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 30/05/2024 20:36

My baby doesn't look like it's half siblings... shes definitely mine and my partners baby.

Raggydollz · 30/05/2024 20:50

I have 3 kids with the same father. Two are very similar looking and one looks so very different he stands out like a sore thumb! So you can't tell by looks, maybe said baby has more mum genes?

clockdoc · 30/05/2024 20:57

My kids are not replicas of their father or siblings either

VioletMoonGirl · 30/05/2024 20:58

My DS looks a different ethnicity to me entirely. Resemblance means very little and genetics are a funny thing. Coupled with the fact that he is only biologically half siblings with your children, I don’t see why he should look like them at all.
It’s none of yours or anyone else’s business. A little boy has a loving dad who is a good parent. Anyone who would dare to mess with that based on nothing but rumour needs to have a long, hard look at themselves.
Worry less about the way he looks and more about how you can help make this blended family work for your children’s sake.

Beautifulbythebay · 30/05/2024 20:59

It is shoddy for your dc if they get attached to new sibling and find out down the line he isn't...

Original poster
ARaspberryberet · 30/05/2024 21:08

Thanks everyone for the honest replies. Just want to be crystal clear I DO NOT feel any need to say it to my exh and don't plan on it either. I keep my opinions to myself. It was because I'm still quite close to his sisters and one mentioned it to me for my honest opinion. I said I felt uncomfortable with the question even in my heart I suppose a small part of me did agree with her. I'm just asking for opinions here. No one at all is going to mention anything but I just thought if it was my own brother and I had major concerns because I love him I think I'd mention it in some way to him, as in its family.

No this has nothing to do with me. I get on well with exh and his partner. Look we all have quite a healthy thing going on for the children and as you all blanlty put its none of my business, I'm not trying to make it my business. It's just curiosity would anyone else say it or not, is it bad not addressing it and maybe him raising someone else's child I mean and the actual father missing out, if it was the case he wasn't the dad. It just got me thinking of the other side of the coin because the topic was brought up to me. No... im staying well clear of that topic

OP posts:
Original poster
ARaspberryberet · 30/05/2024 21:16

His sister raised a point to me that what gets her is the fact that the other person requested a dna test. But he was told there was absolutely no chance he could be the dad. My ex sil says why not squash that rumour before it circulates if you're a 1000% sure who the dad is, why not completely clear it up for the other man who's walking about questioning "is that my son"

OP posts:
Pixiesgirl · 30/05/2024 21:27

Oh dear that is a can of worms. I would probably go the easy route and stay quiet. I have no idea which is the actual right thing to do. Unless your ex is actually stupid, He must have doubts, but seeing as everyone seems Happy with status quo, there's no point bringing it up.

Original poster
ARaspberryberet · 30/05/2024 21:38

Pixiesgirl · 30/05/2024 21:27

Oh dear that is a can of worms. I would probably go the easy route and stay quiet. I have no idea which is the actual right thing to do. Unless your ex is actually stupid, He must have doubts, but seeing as everyone seems Happy with status quo, there's no point bringing it up.

I know i think I just found it a bit messed up that if there's genuine concerns why not someone very close to him explain why or perhaps ask him what is he feeling? He's a very closed off person, even if he did have concerns I doubt he'd bring it up, he'd let it just eat him up inside until some night it would explode in him.
He did have doubts at the very beginning but his girlfirend assured him 1000% he was the dad and I don't doubt her to be fair. I don't think the girl has any reason to lie about who the father to her son is. But you do here sometimes these things can happen, that she may genuinely think its one man's child when its someone elses.

OP posts:
ZiriForGood · 30/05/2024 21:51

Even if it was about your brother, how would it change anything?

He decided it is his son. He is aware of the uncertainty and decided not to act on it. It would be evil to not follow his lead on this and force him to tests he doesn't want.

SunflowerTed · 30/05/2024 21:59

Can’t believe you’re even asking this. Really unnecessary.

Original poster
ARaspberryberet · 30/05/2024 22:25

can we take out of the equation here I'm his ex wife. My ex relationship with him has nothing to do with the thread.
To me the little boy is his son and my children's brother.

I'm literally asking this as a topic point on the thread.

Can everyone stop assuming I'm a bitter ex who's gonna throw this out there. Its really unfair. That's not what this is about.

Yet if I came back on here in ten yrs time and said my ex just found out he was fathering a child that wasn't his for 10yrs and my children aren't copping that the brother they thought was there's isn't the comments on that would be completely different. I'm not saying the little boy isn't his but his family are having concerns. I thought it would be an interesting topic to talk about I didn't expect to be berated when I'm not actually the one saying this or thinking about saying it to him. For the last time, I've a good relationship with both him and his partner. There is no jealousy or ill wishes there. Some people can separate and still be decent to each other

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 31/05/2024 07:23

ARaspberryberet · 30/05/2024 22:25

can we take out of the equation here I'm his ex wife. My ex relationship with him has nothing to do with the thread.
To me the little boy is his son and my children's brother.

I'm literally asking this as a topic point on the thread.

Can everyone stop assuming I'm a bitter ex who's gonna throw this out there. Its really unfair. That's not what this is about.

Yet if I came back on here in ten yrs time and said my ex just found out he was fathering a child that wasn't his for 10yrs and my children aren't copping that the brother they thought was there's isn't the comments on that would be completely different. I'm not saying the little boy isn't his but his family are having concerns. I thought it would be an interesting topic to talk about I didn't expect to be berated when I'm not actually the one saying this or thinking about saying it to him. For the last time, I've a good relationship with both him and his partner. There is no jealousy or ill wishes there. Some people can separate and still be decent to each other

I was sort of in this situation myself, growing up there was a few of us siblings, normal family life, then in my early teenage years we discovered our oldest sibling was not our dad’s biological son. Our dad knew this and took him on as his own as a baby. Although it was a shock when we found out it did not change the family dynamic at all we all still love and care for each other as we did before.
Forgot to add - so whilst I get your trying to look out for your children if their dad has made the decision to have the child as his own whether it is biologically or not I think just respect it, that’s all you can do.

LiterallyOnFire · 31/05/2024 07:29

Do you wait and see if he ever questions it or do you bite the bullet and voice your concern when you could be very wrong? I think for the children too it's very messed up

TBF, OP, finishing the first post like this made it sound like you were considering saying something.

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 31/05/2024 07:37

Sounds like the other man may well be the dad.
Lets face it if you were having sex with a woman and 9 months later she gave birth then you very well could be the father.
She probably wants it to be your ex’s child.
The problem will be in years to come if your ex and this woman split, your ex can demand a dna test and if it is found he has not the father, his name will be removed from the birth entry and birth certificate.
Totally awful for the child.
If she was absolutely certain that your ex is the father, and to be fair that would have to mean she had only had sex with him during say that entire month, then why not have a dna test?
Of course your ex could well be the father but it sounds like the other man did have sex with her around the time of conception.

Myblindsaredown · 31/05/2024 07:43

Why did you start off calling him your husband and not ex. And why are you so focused on this, it is none of your business, he is satisfied the kid is his, that’s what matters and any grown up with an ounce of sense knows you can’t tell just by looking.

3luckystars · 31/05/2024 07:46

If you get on so well I would definitely say ‘that child looks nothing like you, would you get a dna test to be sure?’

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