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Original poster

What would you do in this situation?

46 replies

OpalWriter · 30/05/2024 17:27

I’ve been seeing a great guy for a few months now - he is kind to my teenage son and to me.

The problem is.. he is unemployed. He has been out of work for 5 years now with health issues. He is currently getting benefits and doesn’t plan on going back to work. I work full-time and have my teenage son who lives with me. He doesn’t have any children. He complains a lot about his health ailments which can sometimes grate on me at times - even though I do really care about him - especially if I’ve been going to work and he’s just lounging about at home so it is difficult to understand sometimes when I’m tired myself. He is unable to drive because of health related issues so I find myself having to drive to his frequently to see him. Most of the contact I receive is how bad he is feeling or how he is going to go for a nap which can sometimes get quite annoying!

We are compatible in the sense that we have a lot of similarities and we care about each other. We don’t live together and we are both fair with money when it comes to days/nights out.

I would just like some non-judgemental advice on here. What would you do in this situation? I just don’t want a negative influence on my son’s life as I’ve always had a strong work ethic and I want him to grow up the same.

OP posts:
randomas · 30/05/2024 17:28

Leave him

randomas · 30/05/2024 17:28

It will only get worse

category12 · 30/05/2024 17:31

It's only been a few months and you're already a bit pissed off about his health issues and the effect they have on your lives.

Imagine years of it. And where is it going to go? If you ever did live together, there he'd be, napping, while you're working. If you're irritated now, you'll probably resent it like hell when the new relationship shine has worn off.

Do both of you a favour and ditch.

Hoosemover · 30/05/2024 17:32

If sometimes grating after a few months imagine what he be like after a few years.

yhk · 30/05/2024 17:32

I wouldn’t bother continuing.

He’s a constant moaner, and as you said you have a strong work ethic, which (not his fault if health related) he won’t be demonstrating to your teenage son.

ragdoll12345 · 30/05/2024 17:33

Get yourself away from him to someone with a bit of get up and go
If he grates on you now, what would you feel like living with him👿

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 30/05/2024 17:33

randomas · 30/05/2024 17:28

Leave him

And then what??

category12 · 30/05/2024 17:34

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 30/05/2024 17:33

And then what??

Show quote history

Then she can date someone else or be single. It's a short relationship, not a life-changing event.

Userengage · 30/05/2024 17:35

Move on, it’s been a few months and he’s already annoying you. It cannot improve.

WeeOrcadian · 30/05/2024 17:35

Throw him back, you deserve better

AmandaHoldensLips · 30/05/2024 17:36

I'd give the relationship a big fat swerve. It'll be all downhill from here. Find someone with similar values and work ethics to you.

Bubblegum922 · 30/05/2024 17:37

In what ways do you have similarities? In what ways is he great?

Do you see yourself with him long term?

if most of the contact you have is just him complaining- he’s getting support and someone to listen to him. What are you getting?

he sounds exhausting

DatingDinosaur · 30/05/2024 17:41

“He is currently getting benefits and doesn’t plan on going back to work” - fair enough. Are you happy with that? Can you see a long term future with him with the dynamic that you work full time and he lounges around all day doing nothing?

“He complains a lot about his health ailments which can sometimes grate on me at times” - It would grate on me too. Is he doing anything to improve these health ailments? Or does he just like to complain for the sympathy kibbles?

“He is unable to drive because of health related issues so I find myself having to drive to his frequently to see him” - This would do my head in. Can’t he catch a bus or get a taxi to yours? Or even walk?

“Most of the contact I receive is how bad he is feeling or how he is going to go for a nap” - So it’s all about him and feeling sorry for himself again?

“I just don’t want a negative influence on my son’s life” - your current partner is not setting a good example. Apart from how to toss it off all day and complain a lot.

By the sounds of things, I think you’re beginning to realise this guy isn’t a keeper.

Opentooffers · 30/05/2024 17:50

OMG it's so dull and draining listening to people moan about their chronic ailments. I've come across people like this. His text updates must be a joy. As far as I can see, you only have caring for each other in common - different work life, family life. I doubt there are common hobbies, so just what appeals? This will drag you down. Do you want to be his future carer? Is he fit enough for sex somehow. If his chronic health issues are a result of poor lifestyle choices, I've got even less sympathy.

EVHead · 30/05/2024 17:54

You’re becoming his carer. Is that how you want to spend the coming years?

MuscariFan · 30/05/2024 17:55

God, run away now, and find someone you and your son can both respect.

unbelievablescenes · 30/05/2024 17:57

I've been there but mine at least worked. You're setting yourself up to be a carer here, go live your life. Also ask yourself what you're missing in life that makes you even consider this package attractive.

Seaoftroubles · 30/05/2024 17:58

OP, don't settle for this relationship. He sounds draining and very negative. He obviously expects you to do all the running too. You will end up as his carer/ therapist, is that really what you want? Come on you can do better than that!

ShrubRose · 30/05/2024 18:02

Not sure how old you are, OP, but if you have a teen-age son you are probably not Sweet 16.
What happens if, and I certainly hope it doesn't, something were to happen to you? Things can happen at any age.
You'll have him on your plate, and no one to share your burdens.

I'm afraid this guy, kind as he may be, doesn't sound a good bet.

unsync · 30/05/2024 18:51

It's a no from me. Don't burden yourself.

Itiswhysofew · 30/05/2024 18:57

He does sound like a drain. Would you be able to handle years of it?

tuvamoodyson · 30/05/2024 19:03

Dump.

TheTartfulLodger · 30/05/2024 19:04

Blimey, no benefit bashing on this thread then. Get rid, leave him, bin him, throw him back...

Some people are so perfect.

How much do you care about eachother? Do you love eachother enough to see past this? Personally I wouldn't end a relationship just because he didn't work or drive. It's the person I'm interested in. If I love someone then those things will not be deciding factors for me. It does seem judgemental. He's good to you both, doesn't let you pay for everything and cares about you.

Mydahliasareshit · 30/05/2024 19:06

There are a billion men on the planet.
Why settle for this one?

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 30/05/2024 19:07

It's very draining living with someone with health issues. It will drag you down. Not so bad if they are optimistic, or actively trying to help themselves, but if there's no likelihood or intent to improve their lot in life then you'd need to be ok with that being your forever.
It would be a deal breaker for me.