What would you do in this situation?

[OpalWriter]

I’ve been seeing a great guy for a few months now - he is kind to my teenage son and to me.

The problem is.. he is unemployed. He has been out of work for 5 years now with health issues. He is currently getting benefits and doesn’t plan on going back to work. I work full-time and have my teenage son who lives with me. He doesn’t have any children. He complains a lot about his health ailments which can sometimes grate on me at times - even though I do really care about him - especially if I’ve been going to work and he’s just lounging about at home so it is difficult to understand sometimes when I’m tired myself. He is unable to drive because of health related issues so I find myself having to drive to his frequently to see him. Most of the contact I receive is how bad he is feeling or how he is going to go for a nap which can sometimes get quite annoying!

We are compatible in the sense that we have a lot of similarities and we care about each other. We don’t live together and we are both fair with money when it comes to days/nights out.

I would just like some non-judgemental advice on here. What would you do in this situation? I just don’t want a negative influence on my son’s life as I’ve always had a strong work ethic and I want him to grow up the same.

Where's the benefit bashing?

OP is already irritated by the guy and his limitations so I don't see it working out well for either of them.

How would she afford a place etc - lots to consider - what certainty is there the next one will be decent = lots of risks

They don't live together, they've been dating a few months.

She already affords her own place, works and raises her teenage son.

Zero risk in ending the relationship.

Is he unemployed but could be employed, or not working due to his health conditions?

If the latter, do you think disabled people don't deserve relationships?

Only halfway through this thread and my God the ableism.

Unbelievable.

Cheers for the chins up. Missed that

Then is a case of, defo LTB

OP you can end a relationship for whatever reason you want. You say he's irritating you already. Whether he's on benefits or not or is disabled or not - you are allowed to end it as he's irritating you.

If his complaints are already grating when it's still early days, you will despise him in a few years.

Women don't tend to respect men who are basically lazy or bone idle - so it's only a matter of time before you'll be fed up.

"deserve relationships" is an uncomfortable way of putting it, I think.

Certainly everyone should deserves the opportunity to pursue romantic and sexual relationships and find someone to be happy with.

But it's no-one's obligation to give another person a chance or to keep going with a relationship that isn't working for them.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think I need to have a conversation with him.

There have been instances where he’s done a lot more than I would’ve thought with the chronic illness (such as going to bars with friends, long hikes etc) so it’s difficult for me to get my head around understanding the illness. I think this is what irritates me the most is that he’s able to do more than what I first expected/was told by him.

This! What does ge have to talk about if he dies nothing all day?
Whst are these ‘health issues’?
Awful example for your son.

He would be a catch for a woman with similar ‘health issues’ -they could lounge around all day talking about them together.

Leave. He’ll be a drain on you mentally and financially.

" I think this is what irritates me the most is that he’s able to do more than what I first expected/was told by him."

So he's catching himself out in a lie then.

Hope the conversation is going to be "look I don't think this is working out between us so I think it's best we part company".

If you stopped visiting him, would you miss him?

The test for me for any relationship is whether your life is more fun with or without him in it.

It doesn't sound as if there is much here to salvage. If you do visit him only to listen to him complaining about his health issues, then why bother?

What is his actual diagnosis?

Attention seeking mammys-boy?

He’ll drag you down. You aren’t compatible. Free yourself!!

For all the ableist commenters, I looked after my husband for years, who did work but relied heavily on me for emotional and lots of other types of support, including everything domestic. It was all one sided, he had no interest in supporting me as his problems were 'obviously' always bigger than mine and I wasn't actually allowed to ever be ill. Would I support a friend within reasonable boundaries if they needed me? 100%. Would I put myself back in that position in a relationship knowingly? 0%. In a romantic relationship, there needs to be balance. Can't have one knocking their arse in working and the other doing nothing, it'll just breed resentment. Unless the woman is completely selfless, in which case she loses herself and needs to be ok with that. I lost me for 20 years to someone who wasn't even grateful. No thanks. Different if you're with someone and they become ill, I'd do it again for someone I already loved but not walking into a new relationship with a virtual stranger. Not for me.

What’s the point of a conversation???

He’s not going to change and it sounds like you suspect him of exaggerating his condition when it suits him - to avoid work etc.

I’d finish this - has strong potential cock lodger vibes for me. And certainly already a cock passenger if you’re having to ferry him about.