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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help regarding relocation with DS from abusive ex

31 replies

MetalButterflies · 29/05/2024 20:03

Hi all, I'm new to this so please bear with me. I could really use some advice (and kindness alongside it).
To cut a long story short, my ex partner and I split last year due to physical and emotional abuse on his side. We have a 3yo DS who resides with me but spent 2 nights with his dad. Anywho, the abuse continued despite not living together and he began to threaten me if I did not answer the phone of an evening when DS was asleep, or tell him what I was doing. The threats got so bad I went to the police last week and told them everything, historic and current. He was arrested and is currently on bail pending investigations (I have submitted concrete evidence of photos and screenshot of abuse) with conditions not to contact me for 3 months - due to this he is currently not having contact with DS - DS has not asked for his dad once. Ex and DS did have an okay relationship, however DS was starting to notice abuse and experiencing control from ex also, saying to me regularly 'I don't like Daddy, daddy scares me, Daddy's mean to me'. Ex would also try to facetime son 3 x a day on my days and son didn't want to, to which ex would scream down phone. Ex is also not a good role model to son, has a community order for assault, is racist in front of son and tells son to be racist to other children, push children over etc, extremely volatile and aggressive if son does not comply with basic tasks (as 3yos tend not to!). I tried everything i could to maintain civility, doing drop off and pick ups etc, being flexible but ex would insult me to son, scream at me in front of him, be physical to me in front of him, and threaten to take him and never let me see him (also threatened to tell people i 'touch' our son if i tried to take him, which still makes me feel sick to think about)
To paint a picture, ex has a superiority complex, thinks he is above the law, lives in a tiny studio room that son is getting too big for, smokes cannabis and drinks too much alcohol and has no friends or family (not slagging him off, just painting factual picture).

The main reason I am writing is because I want to, and have always wanted to relocate to the countryside (about 6ish hours away from ex, I won't say where for a bit more anonymity), I have family there who would support me wholeheartedly (I have no one where I currently am) and my son loves it there. I also have a job interview for in the area in a couple of weeks.
My concern is we have no order in place so both have PR. I have been told conflicting information; the DV service I'm under, CAB and the police have all said to relocate, start a new life and let ex chase for child arrangement. However, solicitors are a bit more hesitant saying that ex could have an order issued to 'drag' son back.

I just wondered what anyone would do in this situation, f* it and move and let him chase, or go down the legal route first and risk not being able to move? Ex has no money so wouldn't be able/would take time seeking legal advice.
My little boy and I have been through so much and I just want to give him the best life (plus start to enjoy life myself and watching him grow up).

If you have got this far, thank you.
X

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 29/05/2024 20:06

Just go. I did and it was the best thing I ever did.

Original poster
MetalButterflies · 29/05/2024 20:09

Thank you for your swift response! Was there any legal repercussions in your situation? Did ex go to court?

OP posts:
category12 · 29/05/2024 20:51

I think go. You can show family connections and better quality of life for your child there.

I wouldn't want to give him the chance to stop you beforehand.

Does he have loads of money for court cases?

Sharkattack1888 · 29/05/2024 21:08

I would say go for it. But ABSOLUTELY do not get in touch to let him know where u are. Let him spend money to find you. The only way you will have trouble is if you message him and let him know where you are.

Original poster
MetalButterflies · 29/05/2024 21:09

category12 · 29/05/2024 20:51

I think go. You can show family connections and better quality of life for your child there.

I wouldn't want to give him the chance to stop you beforehand.

Does he have loads of money for court cases?

No he doesn't. I paid for everything for son even when apart. He can't claim for legal aid because he's not on benefits.

OP posts:
Sharkattack1888 · 29/05/2024 21:09

My friend did this and everything was ok until she stupidly thought to send him a message to let him know that ' they were all ok' that's when the trouble started so be careful about that . Good luck and have yourself a better life xxx

Original poster
MetalButterflies · 29/05/2024 21:11

Sharkattack1888 · 29/05/2024 21:08

I would say go for it. But ABSOLUTELY do not get in touch to let him know where u are. Let him spend money to find you. The only way you will have trouble is if you message him and let him know where you are.

Thank you for your reply. When I blocked him after he was arrested I advised him to go through legal channels. The next day he messaged my mum - we spoke to the police and they contacted him to warn him not to do so again and to go through solicitor. Yesterday a police officer (his bail supervisor) rang saying he was asking to see his son, and that they would advise him to go through legal channels again. I would assume this back's the claim he doesn't have funds. Problem is he thinks he's above the law so I feel he'd break child arrangement even if there was one.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/05/2024 21:42

*However, solicitors are a bit more hesitant saying that ex could have an order issued to 'drag' son back."

I think solicitors are bound to be more cautious about points of law while the other advice you're had from police/DV service might be more real life experience?

VJBR · 29/05/2024 21:51

I would just go but do not contact him in any way.

fruitypancake · 29/05/2024 22:02

Definitely go , as soon as you can ! Good luck OP - don't tell anyone where you are going

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/05/2024 22:13

I would definitely go in your shoes. You have the option of a new happy life! Of COURSE he can't make you move back. The only time you might be in danger would be if he was a safe dad and he had him eg 50/50, he could argue that DS is better off staying in the same school where he's settled and ex can have him live with him full time, there might be a danger they'd agree that. However your situation is totally different and you can say you followed police advice.

Are you able to not give him your new address? I would wait for him to go to court for contact as you have a lot of evidence he was abusive

Original poster
MetalButterflies · 29/05/2024 22:18

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/05/2024 22:13

I would definitely go in your shoes. You have the option of a new happy life! Of COURSE he can't make you move back. The only time you might be in danger would be if he was a safe dad and he had him eg 50/50, he could argue that DS is better off staying in the same school where he's settled and ex can have him live with him full time, there might be a danger they'd agree that. However your situation is totally different and you can say you followed police advice.

Are you able to not give him your new address? I would wait for him to go to court for contact as you have a lot of evidence he was abusive

Thank you for your kind words.
No I don't have to give him my address as far as I know. I've completely blocked him and will continue to do so. I was advised to let him get his solicitor (if he gets one) to contact me.
I think my main worry is I will settle there and then I'll get a court order demanding that I bring our DS back. I just want to do it the right way without any chances of it not going on my favour. Would I like to never deal with him again - of course! But I just want something formal put in place so he can't abscond with our child (because I think he'd ignore all arrangements anyway).
As I say the criminal charges are in progress at the moment too

OP posts:
VJBR · 29/05/2024 22:30

I think once you are settled with family support and your child is in school it is very unlikely they would make you move back. As a PP said you can say the police advised you. Do you have that in writing by any chance.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/05/2024 22:32

I have been on so so so many family law Facebook groups and talking to lawyers about my own issues (not this one) recently. What the advice always seems to be is that if one parent is planning to move with the child then the other parent can apply for a specific issue order and block it. But once the move has taken place and child is in nursery etc it's very hard to say it's in their best interest to then be moved back and if the resident parent has already moved home then where will they go?
If I was in your position and I wanted to move I wouldn't dream of telling him.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 29/05/2024 22:42

I'd go. Make a new start. He sounds like a cock who is bad for ds anyway, and you have your ds's best interests at heart and you can give him a lovely life. And the police have told you to go!

JohnofWessex · 29/05/2024 22:59

Are you leaving England & Wales to go to Scotland?

That has implications as it is a separate jurisdiction.

Obviously you dont have to answer BUT its something to be aware of

LiterallyOnFire · 29/05/2024 23:10

If you do it the "right way", you'll probably never break free. You'll be obliged to stay local and the family court position on DV is awful.

I was "lucky" in that XH eventually ended up with criminal conviction which made it easy for me to protect the DC from him. Then I just moved.

Just do it. Stoners - even innocent ones, which yours isn't - very rarely pull themselves together sufficiently to pursue a difficult legal case. Even less skint stoners.

Maybe the absolute worst case scenario is that you'd have to obey a ruling to move back, but I can't see that's likely at all, and it's a gamble worth taking for a better life for your DS.

Original poster
MetalButterflies · 29/05/2024 23:11

JohnofWessex · 29/05/2024 22:59

Are you leaving England & Wales to go to Scotland?

That has implications as it is a separate jurisdiction.

Obviously you dont have to answer BUT its something to be aware of

Nope, staying within England

OP posts:
Gladespade · 29/05/2024 23:19

Gosh, go, go! Don’t tell him where you are. Get ds into nursery, by the time he finds you, you will be well and truly settled, if he even has the wherewithal to track you down. He sounds truly awful, grab the chance to get away.

PurpleBugz · 29/05/2024 23:28

Don't tell ex you are going. Solicitors are correct you can be ordered back but with evidence your ex is like that and you are moving for the support a judge will likely not order it. It is however much much easier to get a prohibitive steps order to stop you moving before you go so you need to keep it quiet and not let ex know till you are gone. And then actually i would not tell him you have gone let him push for contact and take you to court the longer the delay the more settled in the new life your child is. Set up a post forwarding thing with Royal Mail you can do this for a year- you must do this so you get the court paperwork if ex goes that route. If you go to court you can keep your address confidential which I would recommend because once ex relieves he's lost his hold on you things get worse. You want to get your child settled into a new life so that moving back would be a disruption and bad for the child in the eyes of a family court. The main thing will be school- once settled at a school it's unlikely you will be forced to return for an abusive ex to have contact. But also the relationships with your family will be a tie to the new area. The fact you don't have a house to return to if ordered back and will be liable to pay for the new place etc etc.

Also write down all the advice you have been given. If you have the advice from police in writing keep that safe- if not then do a SAR hopefully it's in the notes. In fact just do a SAR anyway to everyone who has been involved and who has the abuse in record so you have evidence should you get to court. I'm always very very bitter that social worker told me if I didn't leave my abusive ex and stop contact then they would take my child then when I did this and ex took me to court and I couldn't prove the abuse the social worker would not go on record that that was the advice I received. I looked very bad in court and the judge thought I was the problem. My abusive ex got contact. I did a SAR and the evidence i needed was there from multiple professionals who had refused to go on record for court but it was too late my kids suffer. But I had no evidence and you do so it's different don't worry. Best to do the SAR anyway though so you can prove you followed advice as family court think contact with abusive men is best for the kid if the abuse was to the mum not the child.

Original poster
MetalButterflies · 29/05/2024 23:33

PurpleBugz · 29/05/2024 23:28

Don't tell ex you are going. Solicitors are correct you can be ordered back but with evidence your ex is like that and you are moving for the support a judge will likely not order it. It is however much much easier to get a prohibitive steps order to stop you moving before you go so you need to keep it quiet and not let ex know till you are gone. And then actually i would not tell him you have gone let him push for contact and take you to court the longer the delay the more settled in the new life your child is. Set up a post forwarding thing with Royal Mail you can do this for a year- you must do this so you get the court paperwork if ex goes that route. If you go to court you can keep your address confidential which I would recommend because once ex relieves he's lost his hold on you things get worse. You want to get your child settled into a new life so that moving back would be a disruption and bad for the child in the eyes of a family court. The main thing will be school- once settled at a school it's unlikely you will be forced to return for an abusive ex to have contact. But also the relationships with your family will be a tie to the new area. The fact you don't have a house to return to if ordered back and will be liable to pay for the new place etc etc.

Also write down all the advice you have been given. If you have the advice from police in writing keep that safe- if not then do a SAR hopefully it's in the notes. In fact just do a SAR anyway to everyone who has been involved and who has the abuse in record so you have evidence should you get to court. I'm always very very bitter that social worker told me if I didn't leave my abusive ex and stop contact then they would take my child then when I did this and ex took me to court and I couldn't prove the abuse the social worker would not go on record that that was the advice I received. I looked very bad in court and the judge thought I was the problem. My abusive ex got contact. I did a SAR and the evidence i needed was there from multiple professionals who had refused to go on record for court but it was too late my kids suffer. But I had no evidence and you do so it's different don't worry. Best to do the SAR anyway though so you can prove you followed advice as family court think contact with abusive men is best for the kid if the abuse was to the mum not the child.

Thank you for this - can I ask what a SAR is? Thing is all the services that advised this was verbally so not surebhow that would stand.

Also DS doesn't start school until next September, inwould put him in a nursery - would that have the same holding?

OP posts:
Justkeepingplatesspinning · 29/05/2024 23:42

If you were fleeing domestic abuse and going into refuge then the police used to take women and children hours away from their abusive partners. I worked in a school where mum and child would arrive at the start of the day, having spent most of the night travelling in a police car.
I think you need to do what's right for you and your child, and that's moving to where you have support and can both be safe. Talk again to women's aid and see what support and advice they can give you around moving away and child contact.

Alwaysgothiccups · 29/05/2024 23:44

Just go..
If he has not been in contact with your son for a while.. which he won't be due to being arrested.. ifyou let him try and get contact back through the courts they will ask that he build it gradually using a contact centre or maybe via letters and building up from there...
So if he goes down that route I doubt it will stick long term as he sounds like he is pretty unhinged and it will be immediately apparent he is abusive. If contact is through a contact centre or letters etc there is witness to any abuse
.So I'd really suggest just moving where you want to move and letting him chase after contact if he wishes. Don't do anything to make it easier for him.
Your son will be alot safer that way and you will be closer to your family.

Pacificisolated · 30/05/2024 00:27

I think I’m just echoing all the advice from other posters but just go. Don’t tell him anything about your move and don’t respond to any direct contact from him. Let him pursue contact via solicitors. I wouldn’t even tell him I had moved after the event. My understanding is that once you and your son are settled in one location it is very very unlikely a court would order you back.

He doesn’t sound like he would be any kind of positive influence on your son. In my opinion you are protecting your son by moving away and making ongoing contact harder.

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 30/05/2024 00:37

It all depends on if he has contact with his son? Could courts order this at all?

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