Strange behaviour of Male Co-Worker

[foreverhopeful2000]

My married male co-worker has this bad habit of flirting in front of me - whether it's on his phone, or eyeing up my female (married coworker - who talks about her husband but doesn't wear a wedding ring). He talks very loudly in my workspace on his mobile as if to flirt/make plans on his phone and get attention from me. I have no designs on him, but find his attention seeking behaviour is a pain in the butt when I am trying to work. Sometimes he is nice, but other times he's bloody weird. I came back from pneumonia after a month, and all he said was 'there's bugs in this building' and walked off. He says that he's coming to events I am hosting, then cancels without saying anything about it afterwards. Other times, he's staring at me which is uncomfortable. He's invited me to a couple of socials but I declined. I get on fine with my single male coworkers. The female coworker is pretty but wears revealing clothes to work, doesn't wear wedding ring, talks about her husband, but also talks a lot about how everyone thinks how hot she looks. These two sometimes come into work together and are constantly on their phones at the same time. I do not need to see a lot to see a pattern. Whilst I'm working for a living, I wish the man in particular would be self-aware of his eyeing up people (which has included me). Any advice?

You sound entirely jealous of the woman you work with, and the attention she gets from your male colleague. Your post is more about judging what she wears, says, etc. You need to wind your neck in, and get on with the work you're paid to do.

This. You’re way overinvested in your female colleague’s heel height and her lack of wedding ring. If something in colleagues’ behaviour affects your workload or compromises your ability to carry out your job professionally, then speak to your line manager, otherwise keep schtum and get on with your work. You’ll be gone in a couple of months!

Can you get up and walk away when he comes around and is on his phone flirting or generally making a nuisance of himself? Go for a coffee or the toilet?

Do you think they are having an affair and he’s trying to cover it by flirting with other people in front of everyone?

My wife and I have just started date night to deal with being in separate rooms. However on the first date my 17 year old decided to join on the second date my 18 year old came along. How do I tell them that date night is not for them?

Why do you care if this woman wears a wedding ring or not?! Some of your concerns are valid, but repeated comments on her wedding ring just make you sound nasty and judgemental. There’s no law that says married women must wear a ring.

Society has social mores. One is that married people don’t pretend to be single and carry on with coworkers. Most people don’t enjoy being party to that, particularly at work.

OP is witnessing a group of behaviors that most people consider inappropriate and uncomfortable at work. It creates an environment. The ring is just one piece of the overall picture and would probably go unnoticed without the rest.

If they don’t want the scrutiny and judgement, they need to stop treating the office like a nightclub and keep their personal lives outside of work hours.

Read what I said again, I agreed that some of her comments are valid, but the ring thing is not. It may be a societal norm, but since when did women make it their business to police other women to make sure they’re conforming to what society dictates? If she doesn’t want to wear a ring, that’s no one’s business.

Everyone notices this type of thing, it’s silly to pretend they don’t. Even if you don’t think it’s anyone’s business. They notice it particularly if someone is carrying on at work. This is an anonymous forum where people post about things that are happening around them. You can stamp your feet about someone being thorough here about what they are seeing when relaying a situation, but it won’t make it any less true that you’d probably notice it also.

Also, why do you think the custom of wearing wedding bands exists, if not as a public message?

Yes, it's a gross when people are conducting a flirtation or fling at work who shouldn't be (i.e. not single). It's the flushed 'isn't this sexy, our secret, nobody can prove a thing' in front of people who want nothing to do with it when it's about as discreet as a chancre sore. A bit like dogging on public highways. The public nature of it being part of the thrill is really icky to be dragged into as a passer by.

However, OP, you're there 3 months.
I get that this annoys you but the question remains unanswered. How does it affect your work? If it does, discuss with manager. If not, ignore. You're not there for free or there to provide a moral commentary.

No, not everyone does, I don’t, I’m not that invested in strangers lives and don’t make their personal choice my business. If you do, go ahead, but don’t be surprised if others see you as judgemental. Anyway, I’m not here to argue with you about if women should have to wear rings by some social law and if it’s others womens duty to police that. I’m entitled to my opinion just like you. I’m not going to derail any further.

Why does it matter what the female wears in the office? You mention short skirts and heels.

I’m not trying to take away your right to an opinion. I’m discussing opinions and attitudes.

Yes, people judge others every day. It’s what you are doing as well.

IRL in the one who doesn’t discuss personal things about someone, by the way.

Someone in my office appeared with a ring and everyone wanted to talk about it. I shut it down any time they tried with me.

But online, someone is describing people that make them uncomfortable and why. The whole picture includes unusual attire for their office and a husband but no ring. It’s part of the overall picture related to the environment and the discomfort.

I definitely would view a married man who left his his ring off, flirting with women around the office, in tight pants and leaving his shirt unbutton lower than usual with major skepticism.

You don't have to be staring at people at work to pick up on things. When you have a desk facing them - or even a window, you can pick up on things within seconds. I object to the fact that he is meant to be helping our team (and he often comes in an hour and a half late into work every day). I am part of a management team doing the same job as the woman. However, she has more breaks on the rota. She turns up in a mini skirt, leather jacket, and a denim jumpsuit for an office job. She constantly needs validation from male coworkers and us females about how hot she looks and about how she gets constantly hit on (even though she's married!). We all like to feel attractive, but it's strange behaviour.

There are short skirts and there are 'belts'. We work in a community space.

She also needs to wind her neck in and get paid to do the work she's been assigned to do. That includes him with his 99 'tea' breaks in the tea room (as she walks in at the same time)

I don’t understand why you’re giving them so much headspace.

He also tells me about the church he got married in with his wife. Creep.

Am I meant to be scared about being 'seen' when I am telling the truth, and they are behaving inappropriately?! If people recognise themselves, believe me, others know about it at work.

You’re way too interested!
Do you fancy him?

'No'.

From your description it sounds as if you are in a Carry On Film.

If you spent 35 hours a week with these people who slack off and need constant 'validation' then you would understand. Especially when the rest of us are dealing with contractors, clients, kids, external organisations, senior management meetings and lots of admin (whilst they are following each other by text and round the building). It creates resentment in a small team who notice the absence of certain people a lot more.

'if you say so'.

They are about as subtle as a brick.