Should I leave my partner?

[ThisSassyLemonHedgehog]

Hello,

First time poster, long time lurker. Not a mum, just love mumsnet as it's full of women giving sound advice. Would really appreciate some perspective.

I (31F) have been with my partner (29M) for seven years. We are a very unlikely couple. From different parts of the world, different religious backgrounds, different upbringings but somehow we fell in love.

We have always tried to respect each others choices. I'm a vegetarian and he's a meat eater but I have never stopped him from eating meat or bringing it into our home. When he books a restaurant he always makes sure there is a variety of veggy options available to accommodate me. Although we have had our ups and downs, we have come to agreements through patience and compromise.

Now comes the problem: His drinking. I could count on one hand how many times I have been completely drunk, and I have never drunk to the point where I have black outs the next day. On the other hand, he gets black out drunk semi-regularly. Recently, he was the worst I have ever seen him. And it wasn't a special occasion or a night out with friends. He was just sat in the living room drinking himself blind (metaphorically speaking). Angry words were exchanged that morning and he told me to F off so I packed a bag and left to stay at a hotel.

So now I'm sat here, lost and confused. He has messaged and called. Apologised. Thrown out all the alcohol. Told me he will seek counselling and won't drink again until he understands where his issues stem from.

But I don't know. I have never wanted to take away his choices. We challenge each other, learn from each other and find new perspectives but I don't want to force him to give something up. He says he needs to change for himself, not just for me. And I do trust him but drinking is almost part of his identity. He researches whisky and rum, goes to tastings and brings home wine made by his grandparents. I don't know if I could live with asking him to give it up but I'm not sure I could stand to be near him drunk again.

We do also have other problems in our relationship, much like any couple. I have many faults that he accepts. I just don't know if this is the final straw for me.

To make matters worse, he has just bought a house for us to live in and we've only been in for a month (we were renting previously). Thankfully, the house is solely in his name so there wont be legal implications, but it will leave him in a horrible position if I do leave. He will be in a big old house alone, in a city where I am his only connection.

Feels a bit like I'm babbling now so I'll stop here and post before I chicken out. Appreciate your thoughts.

This man is an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with drink. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come. This should be the final straw for you, this is who he really is.

Why are you seemingly so concerned and or responsible for him?. He has not cared to make you a part of his property purchase and he has readily told you when drunk to fuck off. Are you codependent in relationships, it would appear so. He can sell this property if he wants to do so, your name is not on it in any case.

Do not go back to him under any circumstances because if you do you will be in for more of the same and worse. Rebuild your life without him in it and get support for your own self from Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another persons drinking.

Hi @AttilaTheMeerkat, thanks for your message. I thought I should clarify a few things:

• the decision that the property should be in his name was a joint one. He paid for it alone and covered the mortgage so I was essentially living rent-free. As we are not married, I thought it would be useful to keep my first time buyers allowance to buy an investment property for the future.

• I can understand why you have gathered a picture of him having his thoughts centre around drink based off of what I have written. To clarify, he does have other interests and hobbies and does not drink daily. The issue is that when he has one drink, he will have another and another and so on.

• I'm concerned about him because I love him.

I appreciate your stance, thanks for sharing your opinion.

I think most people who are involved with men who drink would say that if they'd realised at the beginning they wouldn't have carried on seeing them. You can't change them. There's no point in an ultimatum. He told you he's thrown it all away and is upset. If you stay with him you'll hear that again and again and again until your eyes are rolling right out of your head. Everything about it will affect you. you have the option now of walking away and I would definitely advise you to do that.

@ThisSassyLemonHedgehog

I have been and I still am in your position and it is such a hard one. Problem I have now identified is a lot of our other issues have stemmed from the alcohol. I don't like staying apart for a night because I don't trust he won't drink and I worry if he will get to work the next morning, or whether he has peed in his room again, I worry about his finances etc so I become over controlling and I know I do because of this, I lack the trust because that's what alcohol has done,

I have gone back many times after I have had the promises that he will go counselling, stop the drinking etc. yes it's their identity, my partner collects jack daniels stuff but ultimately I sit and think is it a hobbie or is it because he is so obsessed with drinking the alcohol that it paints a constant reminder for him? Has he only collected these things and done the wine tours etc because it's another excuse for him to drink because he is going as a 'hobby' to these places, like mine will xollsxt the different bottle but that's because he will buy the bottle and drink the whole bottle that evening of the whiskey or vodka etc.

Ultimately as hard as it is alcohol takes such a hold on them, you can either constantly forgive and forget or move on. If I had known this was my life before we got together I wouldn't have done it, as now it is harder to leave him because I think to the good times we have shared and the experiences and restarting with someone new. But now I am a shadow of who I was, I am not me, I am not a big drinker but now I am completely turned off people drinking, having a social drink myself etc. we had a weekend away together and he was like let's get a cocktail let's do this and that and I just couldn't stomach it. Which then ruined it. as he would call me boring etc.

Unless you truly can see he wants to change, and does the counselling etc you will forever be stuck in a trap. You can only do what you feel is right for you xxx

@Ineedhelpplease1234 so it was the peeing in the bedroom that broke the camels back for me. That is what led me to pack a bag and leave. I think if I was to stay, it would be on the condition of him commiting to giving up alcohol altogether and I think that may be too big of an ask.

If he is an alcoholic, he is a "functioning" one. It hasn't impacted his work (yet) and he can cope with not drinking to excess when in certain company.

It's hard though isn't it? We have built a life together and we have so much planned for the future. He is my best friend and the thought of ending it here when we have so much to look forward to is heartbreaking.

What is your definition of an alcoholic?. Do you think this man is an alcoholic?. Look at how this has affected you, it’s affected you markedly. You’re likely to be the codependent in this relationship and alcoholism and codependency go hand in hand.

They do not all drink everyday nor all sit on park benches. He does not have the off switch when it comes to alcohol and he’s been drinking till he’s passed out. He has a long standing serious drink problem. The 3cs re alcoholism are that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Love is not going to make this situation any better, it’s not enough.

I would urge you to still move on with your life and not go back to him. Don’t lose your 30s to this man.

I am not surprised that his peeing in the bedroom was your final straw, that is typical of alcoholism.

You haven’t really built a life together because he purchased this property on his own and in his sole name. Also the alcohol has got in the way of your relationship and it’s the main factor in why you and he have parted ways.

I would not be so certain that his drinking has not impacted his work yet and yes he may be “functioning“ (or so you think) for now, until the wheels come off which they will and indeed already have when it comes to you.

With respect, it is not possible for you to make pronouncements such as "his thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is coming from" on the basis of one post by his wife.

Lots of people struggle with alcohol and drinking too much - our society is pretty much set up to encourage us down that path, I sometimes think.

I drank much too much and it was horribly damaging for me and my family, so I stopped and have been several years sober.

It was at no point true of me that all my thoughts centred around alcohol and where the next drink was coming from. Like you and anybody else I was capable of thinking about a range of things.

I have listened to a lot of people who struggle with addiction talk about it in meetings. It is actually quite rare to find anybody who says that at any point alcohol was ALL they cared about. The vast majority of them still loved and cared for other people, even while drinking.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely think alcohol is the fucking devil, and I am absolutely desperate not to ever go back to drinking.

But it's not helpful to make pronouncements about her husband's state of mind, if you can in no way know whether they are true or not.

OP, if he feels ready to quit it is definitely possible. Lots of people do it. He needs to go total abstinence rather than moderation in my opinion (tho others may differ). And there is, happily, LOADS of help out there if he is committed to doing this.

And don't you ever feel guilty for asking him to give it up. If his love for you is one of the things that impels him to quit, then it is one of the things that will ultimately save his life and sanity.

And there is absolutely no compulsion for you to stay with him. If you don't love him enough or just can't face it, that is ENTIRELY your right too, and nobody can tell you otherwise.

If you do stay, it would be enormously helpful if you would give up drinking as well. My partner loved me enough to do this and it was an absolute game changer.

But again, you are under NO obligation, on any level, to do this. Nobody sane would judge you if you walked away now.

It’s not his wife’s it’s his partner. A small point but one that should be made all the same.

There is no indication whatsoever that the OPs man is ready to quit and or seek the help needed. I note he has tipped the alcohol down the sink and has made promises to change but when it comes to the actual work what’s he actually done since doing all that?.

If he does seek help he will need to do so and work at addressing it without any input from the Op. Her 20s were spent with this man and she cannot afford to lose her 30s to his alcoholism. Indeed as you write no one would judge her if she walked away now. I am only suggesting that she walks away.

@ThisSassyLemonHedgehog

I completely understand where you are coming from, it's so so difficult!
So technically he you were to look at my partner he is a functioning alcoholic, but that's because until I spoke with his mum who is his next of kin at work, last year when we split temporarily because of the drinking he didn't turn up for work, then he did and he smelt of alcohol etc. but he was issued a warning and then this year he did lose his job. He told me it was for something to do with paperwork and how he was off sick for so long but I do have my suspicions maybe drink is somehow involved. My issue is he is a chef and works in places which serve alcohol, irs all he has done for his whole career so makes it difficult to find something else that pays the same at the age of 40 for him.

It started the occasion peeing in the bedroom then we had a night he peed the bed; which subsequently got me wet and then I was trying to strip and change beds as he was passed out! I went in after my holiday away with my kids and his bedroom floor smelt of stale wee; had to get the carpet changed. They have underlying issues as to why they do it, and unfortunately they need to address those.

We have a routine now, I do rely on him for things, my kids adore him, because durn the day he doesn't drink and he is him. And I couldn't want to take another man out their lives, so I get you. But you are in a position to think if just you and what you can and can't cope with. Some evenings he will just have one or two at work before coming back but it's the lie to me, eating mints that cover the smell and think I am stupid and then I constantly doubt and argue with him xx

Hi @Ilovelurchers, thanks for your response. I would happily give up drinking for him. I didn't start drinking until quite late in life and don't do it often at all.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, I left the house two days ago so he hasn't really had an opportunity to show me he will change. I can definitely appreciate where you're coming from but I have to echo @Ilovelurchers, people aren't one dimensional. Saying that we haven't built a life together because I'm not on the title of the property is unnecessary. I know we have built a life together because I have lived it.

@Ineedhelpplease1234 that sounds so difficult. I really appreciate your perspective. I truly hope that your partner faces his problems and you get past this together.

I have the hotel booked for another week so I will take this time apart from him to think and come to a rational decision.

But it’s a life with alcohol running through it throughout your seven year relationship. You’ve also handed over more power in this relationship to him by readily agreeing for him to purchase a property in his sole name and therefore one you have no right to. I can see why you did that, it was to preserve your first time buyer status but it may well be that some other feeling you stopped you from being a joint purchaser.

It makes me wonder if you grew up seeing parental problem drinking yourself.

I have never written nor suggested that people are one dimensional either so please do not attribute that to me. He is a real life living and breathing alcoholic and I dare say he’s also been drinking in your absence of a mere two days. He may or equally may not have spent those last two days seeking help but if he feels he does not need it, you’re not going to succeed in getting him help. It’s not too late for you to start to recover and rebuild your own life. You are not tied to him in terms of property and children. And in the scenario you did want children would you want him to be their father?.

I'm sorry OP. I can feel your sadness and deflation through your post. I was once there as well.

If you stay with him, I think you're going to have to accept that drinking might always be a shadow over your relationship. It also might be the way he handles stress, which is so unhealthy, and he might slip back into that even if he does give up. It's a risk, and you're going to have to weigh up if the rest of your relationship if worth the risk.

As well as behaviour issues which can be serious enough in themselves, regular alcohol like that will age him prematurely, in health and appearance. You can usually spot men who drink a lot by the flushed tone of their skin, and then often look slightly greasy. It's like they are oozing toxins out from their skin.

When deciding to settle down with someone longterm, especially if you want to have children, I think you're going to have to ask yourself - what kind of evidence have I seen so far that shows my partner will be a good partner longterm? What kind of evidence I have seen that shows the opposite? If you've seen worrying behaviour, then if you stay or have children with him, you'll be taking a big risk. Yes, some people do change, but some characteristics are pretty innate or ingrained and there's a good chance people revert back to what comes naturally to them. It seems like drinking comes naturally to him.

It's shitty - you don't want to leave someone who is vulnerable, which many substance abusers are or will turn into with time, but also don't ruin your life or shackle yourself to what might be your undoing.

Good re the hotel, you need to use that week wisely by having a bloody good think about your future here. You really do not want a life like Ineedhelpplease describes in her household.

But it’s not too late for her either because she has a choice re him and her children do not. She can go onto rebuild her life and her children’s lives too. I sincerely hope she does. And good luck to ilovelurchers as well.

You sound really lovely and understanding. Such a shame that your partner would ruin it all for the sake of being black out drunk.

Version 1 He stops drinking. He doesn't touch his grandparents' wine. He stops going to the tastings etc. He doesn't socialise with his friends, the ones he's likely to drink with... Is that a happy ending? Or is he resentful and, I don't know, different...

Version 2 He only drinks socially... Until there's a big occasion... And then what happened a few days ago happens again. But you're a few years older, with a child, on maternity leave...

Listen, you can cope. We can all cope with all sorts. But why should you. Alcohol is not just for a day. It has long lasting effects. It effects his sleep, which has long lasting effects to his mental health. This is not just a few hours a week problem. Do think of the family you want- you're choosing your life time partner, as well as (possibly) a father for your children.

@AttilaTheMeerkat there was no alcohol in my home growing up. This is part of the reason why it has taken so long for me to push back on his drinking. I have no gauge on what is "normal" but seeing someone piss on the bedroom floor finally made it click. I really do appreciate your responses to my post but you seem to be making a lot of sweeping statements and jumping to conclusions. I will take your advice on board, I can see you are coming from a good place.

@EarthSight yes, there are many positives that I can see in a future with him but currently they are clouded by the thought of alcoholism. He is a very strong-willed and disciplined person so I do think he could give up drinking.. if he wanted to. At this point though, he acknowledges he has a problem but doesn't want to commit to giving up drinking forever without taking more time to learn about alcoholism (he's downloaded a book) and speaking to a Councillor (he's found a psychotherapist). He is not one for rushed decisions.

@H34th you have really verbalised my fears to be honest. He uses alcohol as a social lubricant and so much male bonding can centre around alcohol. His parents live abroad but if he sees his dad, it is not long before they are sharing a drink. He has a lads holiday planned for next year which I'm sure there will be plenty of drinking. I don't feel comfortable with the thought that he would be forced to give up these bonding activities, I do worry it will lead to resentment. He says that he knows he has a problem and he wants to change for himself but not sure on what that change will look like.

While you are at the hotel for a week, think about your next move, it's probably wise to step back from living together for I'd say at least a few months. By all means see each other a bit, but go back to dating for a while. Perhaps you could live with friends or family for a while, or find a 6 month rental.
You need the time out to see really what he is willing to do to change and if he can change.
It's tricky, people can jump to a person being alcoholic, hard to know if he is one or not. How old is he? Maybe young enough to turn it around if it's in his best interests. That's where you come in, you are the incentive for him to change, but he will need longer than a week of incentive, so you should step back, cool things a bit, and observe how he gets on. Don't go back on a promise that change will happen, go back once he has proved that change has occurred. It might not have to be total abstinence, but stop short of having a personality change causing an abusive mouth and pissing where he shouldn't.

I would give him a chance to quit drinking but I would not be staying if he can't do that. I have an ex who was an alcoholic and he never changed. BUT I have an addiction history and I just could not quit until I got pregnant at which point I quit and have never gone back because I love my children more than anything else. If I lost my kids I'd be back to that addiction instantly I'm certain. So I say give him the chance to stop because I know personally I stopped for the people I love and he may love you enough to manage it but don't give multiple chances you are worth more than that

I would leave. Took me a while to realise but alcoholics only recover alone.

@Opentooffers he's 29 so not beyond hope I'd think. He has had other addictions in the past, when he was young he became addicted to a video game but he hasn't played it in a decade because he recognised the addiction. He was also an overweight child and teen but has lost 35-40kg and has maintained that weight loss for as long as I've known him by carefully tracking his diet. He also had a problem with a nasal spray that clears your sinuses. He still uses that but only when he gets a sinus infection which is maybe once a year. So I know he can be disciplined, he has proved he can fight his addictions and can take them seriously. It's just hard to imagine him giving this one up.

My ex is an alcoholic. We were together from the age of 30 - I'm now 49. I realised he had problematic drinking after a few months - but it wasn't all the time, and everything else was so good, that I buried my head in the sand.

Every time something awful happened because of his drinking, I begged him to cut down, he tried, and would keep it up for a while. He gave up during my pregnancy, and it was such a happy time. I cried when he brought home his first bottle of wine.

He was a functioning alcoholic, with a very good job. His friends thought I was controlling about his drinking. I would sit in pubs full of dread, monitoring what he drank, he would pour it down his throat almost unconsciously- I would start moving his glass away further from his reach.

He became more angry and drunk every evening in his 40s. I couldn't bear it. He would rant about politics etc and I would be silent. He started carrying little bottles of vodka in his bag, for secret top ups. My son found a bottle of vodka hidden in the car boot. I cried and begged for things to change. He started drinking on all his days off from lunch time, he'd go out cycling with vodka in his water bottle. He collected my son so drunk from school he could barely walk. I left with my son that night and moved into a hotel, during lockdown.

I left when he was 48. Within 10 months he had lost his driving license and his job. He's been off work "sick" for nearly 3 years.

Three years later he has been to rehab twice. He would never ever have gone to rehab if I was still living with him. I did enable him, looking back, I kept his life together for him and kept the secret of how bad things were.

This time round he hasn't drunk for 10
months but that could end any day. I can't rely on him for maintenance or to keep seeing my son.

I often think back to the moment when I realised he drank too much. I would never have continued if I could have seen the future. It is a progressive disease. Your partner is still so young. I fear for you.

So he’s had other addictions that you imply he overcame. The evidence is that he’s been a long term addict with different things.

How confident are you that even if he stops drinking it wont be long before another addiction takes its place?

@Olivia2495 not confident at all to be honest. He obviously has an addictive personality. I am thinking of seeing him on Sunday to talk all of this through. I will bring it up then and see what he says.

I feel like a lot of the things I've said about him on this thread have been negative so I want to be clear that he has many, many good traits.

He is an honest person with integrity. He is extremely intelligent and puts a lot of effort into self-development, reading self-help books, going to the gym, listening to lectures, meditating and more. He is caring and protective, looks after me when I am sick and pushes me to be my best self with my career. He has supported me with my further education, reviewing my assignments and cheering me on. He is extremely hardworking and ambitious and respects my opinion and guidance on his career too. He shares the domestic work around the house equally, and if ever I can't keep up then he is always willing to pick up the slack. He cooks all of his own meals since our diets are so different but we also cook for one another. We discuss and debate many things from politics to religion and he is always open to new ideas and viewpoints.

There are so many more things I could say but I just want to explain why this decision is so difficult. He is a very good person with a terrible problem.

to learn about alcoholism (he's downloaded a book) and speaking to a Councillor (he's found a psychotherapist). He is not one for rushed decisions

What's he's done so far, on a technical level, is download a book and found a psychotherapist.

He is yet to actually read that book, and then do the hard task of actually applying what it recommends. That will be the real test. Nor has he yet gone to a therapy appointment.

He shouldn't consider this any kind of decision. You make it sound like he's considering investing or something. It's an absolute no-brainer to seriously cut-back on his drinking. It could cost him his relationship if he doesn't. Right now, it's not costing him anything because you haven't actually left him yet.

If he has a habit of being addicted to different, I hope for your sake he doesn't end up addicted to something like gambling.