Should I leave my partner?

[ThisSassyLemonHedgehog]

Hello,

First time poster, long time lurker. Not a mum, just love mumsnet as it's full of women giving sound advice. Would really appreciate some perspective.

I (31F) have been with my partner (29M) for seven years. We are a very unlikely couple. From different parts of the world, different religious backgrounds, different upbringings but somehow we fell in love.

We have always tried to respect each others choices. I'm a vegetarian and he's a meat eater but I have never stopped him from eating meat or bringing it into our home. When he books a restaurant he always makes sure there is a variety of veggy options available to accommodate me. Although we have had our ups and downs, we have come to agreements through patience and compromise.

Now comes the problem: His drinking. I could count on one hand how many times I have been completely drunk, and I have never drunk to the point where I have black outs the next day. On the other hand, he gets black out drunk semi-regularly. Recently, he was the worst I have ever seen him. And it wasn't a special occasion or a night out with friends. He was just sat in the living room drinking himself blind (metaphorically speaking). Angry words were exchanged that morning and he told me to F off so I packed a bag and left to stay at a hotel.

So now I'm sat here, lost and confused. He has messaged and called. Apologised. Thrown out all the alcohol. Told me he will seek counselling and won't drink again until he understands where his issues stem from.

But I don't know. I have never wanted to take away his choices. We challenge each other, learn from each other and find new perspectives but I don't want to force him to give something up. He says he needs to change for himself, not just for me. And I do trust him but drinking is almost part of his identity. He researches whisky and rum, goes to tastings and brings home wine made by his grandparents. I don't know if I could live with asking him to give it up but I'm not sure I could stand to be near him drunk again.

We do also have other problems in our relationship, much like any couple. I have many faults that he accepts. I just don't know if this is the final straw for me.

To make matters worse, he has just bought a house for us to live in and we've only been in for a month (we were renting previously). Thankfully, the house is solely in his name so there wont be legal implications, but it will leave him in a horrible position if I do leave. He will be in a big old house alone, in a city where I am his only connection.

Feels a bit like I'm babbling now so I'll stop here and post before I chicken out. Appreciate your thoughts.

@EarthSight he is about a third of the way through the book.

Sorry I wasn't clearer, he has absolutely made the decision to cut back on drinking. It's the commitment to never drinking again that he is not sure about. He has said he will not have another drink whilst he is learning and going through counselling. But he is hesitant to say that he will never drink again because he is worried about losing certain aspects of his social life. He has however said that he never wants to get black out drunk again.

The problem with this is that if he doesn't commit to not drinking again (a reasonable stance for other people).... then he is building as much flexibility for himself, isn't he? It's going to be very, very easy for him to slip back once he starts drinking a bit again and lie to you about how serious it actually is.

It reminds me of a situation recently where I enquired about a job where it was clearly states that hybrid work would be 50/50....but which they refused to put in the contract and subsequently clarified it would be up to 50/50 remote. Keep things things undefined like that is convenient for companies, but doesn't give an employee much to stand on if they start being asked to come in 4.5 days a week.

Instead of it being a black & white argument about the fact he's had an alcoholic drink, that you've seen that he's bought a bottle of whisky or even beer for example, it's going to be an argument over how much he's drunk, and exactly how drunk he is, and that you should maybe cut him some slack because he's been so good for the last few months. That's going to be difficult for you.

Saying he's concerned he's going to lose some aspects of his social life might be genuine, but is quite sad, frankly. It's like someone saying 'I'm scared if I give up coke I'll miss out aspects of my social life'. Yes I'm sure that person would, if what they mainly value is shallow, surface level friendships that revolve around taking substances. Genuine friends will stick with him, and drinking culture is not as common now as it used to be.

What I think he's trying to avoid is the awkward and maybe embarrassing conversation where he has to explain he's not having an alcoholic drink in front of other people (especially those who are used to seeing this). Unless he's planning on making you out to be a controlling harpy, he's probably going to have to admit that he has a bit of a problem, and that might be awkward for them too (if they're emotionally immature). If they're not dicks, they'll support him and be fine with it.

I'm not sure if he's this type of calculated, manipulative person, but saying he's concerned he'd lose out on his social life would probably also be a very effective way to get you to tug on your heartstrings and sense of guilt, and make you back down on making him commit to something he doesn't really want to do, which is to give up totally and make that type of commitment. Again, it means that it will be more difficult for you in future.

I think what you need to focus on where do you draw the line.

What has happened twice will most likely happen three times. Was the line crossed more than one time?
You leave, if the answer is yes.

'Only' one time he's peed in the bedroom and told you to fuck off - is the line there? Or is the line at how many times he's been drunk off his head?
Device where your bar is, sweetheart.

Decide*, not device

I really feel for you.
I am married to an alcoholic who has been ‘trying’ to stop for 3.5 years since the first time he admitted there was a problem. For me, I have now decided, very sadly, that I need to end it as he is still drinking.
If I was in your position, where it sounds like it is the first ‘wake up call’ he has had and he has already got rid of the alcohol and promised to seek help, I would (and did) give him a chance and supported him.
However, be very firm and be prepared that he may be a person who manages this, but he also may not.
Best of luck to you both