Is my fiancée bisexual?

[Flyhigh12]

I feel really lost and confused and don’t know what to do. I’ve been with my fiancee for two years and in the process of planning our wedding next summer.

My fiancé’s phone broke and he needed a phone to use for the time being while it gets fixed. I found a bunch of old phones so put them on charge to see which one works so he can use it. Managed to successfully find an old phone that he was using so I turned it on to see if it works ok. (I know a lot of you will say it was wrong for me to do this but I went through the pictures thinking I’ll see cute, fun pictures from before we met) but omg was I wrong and I wish I hadn’t!

I found video after video of recordings of him with different women during the time period he said he was in a previous serious relationship. But the one that shocked me the most was with a transgender male from 2020, two years before we started dating.

We’ve had loads of conversations about sexual preferences but he’s never mentioned anything about being bi. He’s always made jokes and homophobic comments about gay men and how he doesn’t agree with it.

I’ve just got so many questions going through my mind.. is he a cheat as he was doing this while he was in a relationship, is he also into men or was it just a one off thing to explore, is he in denial about his sexually hence all the homophobic comments he makes, will he crave that male attraction and seek it within our relationship or else where? I feel like there’s this whole other part of him that I do not know and it’s not the best way to start a marriage.

Do I speak to him about it and what do I say?

Well, I’d have dumped him long ago for being a homophobic prick, personally.

This!
And yes you do need to speak to him about it. Tell him just like you have written it here.

So

He's homophobic (this alone is enough to get rid)
He has kept videos of sex with previous partners
He hasn't been truthful with you about his relationship status during that period
He has had sex with someone with male genitals (and never thought to mention it to you/been homophobic about others)

He's a shit. Move on. Find someone decent.

Don’t marry a homophobe.

HTH.

Why would you say yes to marrying someone who makes homophobic "jokes"?

I had a mate who reluctantly claimed he was bi, but constantly made really bad homophobic jokes. It turned out he was actually majority gay and used male escorts several times a week.
So yeah, the homophobia is probably BC he's ashamed of his own gayness? Maybe that's why he went with a transwoman and not a regular bloke?
Who knows.
You should tell him you found his old phone. Just see what he says to that then go from there?

What other charming qualities other than homophobic, lying, cheating and closet dweller does he possess I wonder?

Well homophobic is enough to call it a day.

However. You really don't get to have moral high ground after such an invasion of privacy. I'd be furious if my DP did that tbh.

First thing i would do is to delete the sex videos in case he shares them at some point. Protect those others

I would ask him about them. Decide of it bothers you he had sex with a trans and if it does that's a dealbreaker potentially

You'd be daft as a brush to marry without discussing this with him.

After all, appears to be a history of cheating as well as the same-sex episode. Also. did it seem like the people knew they were being filmed?

Just straight out own up to nosing through the pictures and videos and talk to him. Try to hide any judgement you're making about his sexuality if you want honesty.

I would ask him if he’s ever had sex with a man or transsexual or if he’s ever cheated and lied about it to previous partners. Go from there. Unless he is violent too in which case ignore this advice or do it somewhere public.

Regardless of his sexual preference he’s a homophobe and he’s lied to you.

He’s either in denial or confused.

Don’t marry him.

But the one that shocked me the most was with a transgender male from 2020, two years before we started dating.

Is a transgender male, a trans man and therefore a woman? Or do you mean a male who is trans, so a trans woman and therefore a man?

I think I'd not want to date a person who has a thing for videoing and storing their own sex acts. Does he have stuff stored on his 'broken' phone with the pair of you on - and is it really broken or could he have passed it on to somebody, now that could be a concern if so?
Did he mention why his last relationship came to an end? It was probably as a result of what you saw - lots of lying if he said otherwise.
So, how has your relationship been the last 2 years? I advise you to think over it, do you give each other plenty of freedom to do your own things? Nothing wrong with that in principle, but if there are plenty of times that you don't know his whereabouts, or he works away often, it's a fair bet that he's carrying on the habit.
His likes are niche, so chances are that he has strong urges for this that are unlikely to suddenly stop.
I guess you don't know him quite as well as you thought you did and it turns out he has a whole other side to him.
Don't make any further wedding plans, don't invest any money into it. I'd say he's moved this relationship onto the next level fairly quickly, possibly as a cover for his other passions. No excuse for hiding a lifestyle behind a seemingly regular relationship, not in this day and age.
Just goes to show, people who are secure in their sexuality, don't feel a need to be homophobic - why should they, it doesn't affect them? People who have issues with others sexuality, are very insecure about their own - I'm not including older generations in this, and assuming you are young enough to know better.

Like others I’m astounded you carried on dating someone who made homophobic “jokes”. The lying is the problem here, not his sexuality. It would seem the homophobic remarks were to cover for his true feelings because he’s in denial/ashamed, but that’s not a good basis to build a relationship on. My partner and I are both bisexual but we’re both comfortable with ourselves and out, your fiancé appears to be in the closet which has led him to do these things in secrecy and lie about it.

Yes, I wondered.

Also what everyone said. Homophobia far more of an issue than bisexuality.

“He has had sex with someone with male genitals”

A man in other words.

You need to confront him first and foremost. Hear him out at least. It's not looking great though.

I've seen this time and time again - when men repeatedly talk about something they disapprove of (such as prostitutes, affairs, homosexuality, a certain type of woman) the it's usually the thing they desire the most! They're either trying to kid everyone else or kid themselves but it's bullshit.
I've seen this about 20 times in my life "Oh my Phil can stand gays/tarty women/women with big boobs" etc and then they go on to betray their partners with the very thing they claim to despise!
Most men do not feel they need to go on about how much they dislike gay men or infidelity or whatever.
Women - if you have a partner like this, be very suspicious!

Thank you all so much for your reply ❤️

100% agree with the homophobic comments and won’t let him or anyone else think it’s ok to do so.

I spoke to him and basically said I’m really sorry for what I’ve done and I admit I was 100% in the wrong for going through your phone and wish I hadn’t. I explained that I basically saw all the videos he had on the phone. At first he denied it all and said he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I then had to explain the contents of the videos. He got a bit defensive and denied cheating on his ex and ever having any interactions with a man. Although he then went to say that back then he was in a really bad/dark place and was doing a lot of drugs. He said that a lot of the time he didn’t know where he was or what he was doing and his completely erased that period of his life (truth/contradictory?) He then went on to say that his completely turned his life around since he met me and would never do anything to jeopardise our relationship.

I didn’t want to push him too much or come across judgmental but he’s still not admitted to the cheating and his interaction with a man. It was a really difficult conversation for both of us to have and I’m wondering if theres any point in asking more questions and digging deeper for answers?

I’m left torn as to whether I should appreciate him for not getting defensive and being vulnerable and just trust him in saying that it’s all in the past or whether actually this is someone who I won’t be able to trust the same anymore and can’t base our life together on lies and denial.

Tbh if you marry him you’ll be back on here in 5/6 years wondering how to get shot of I’m. Move on and find someone less complicated, defensive and ex drug.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Paper over it all you want, but believe me, it will be 1000 times harder one you’re married and have children. Throw this one back.

Any marriage is a gamble about whether it lasts or whether you'll be happy or not. I'm thinking the odds on this one are not good. I would be troubled when he was in a dark place he was together enough to record these videos including with the transwoman when he now makes homophobic statements. I don't think these days most young to middle-aged men would even bother saying such things. I do think there could be an element of trying to convince himself about something.

Did these people know they were being recorded? I'm not sure you would sort of not notice an extra penis either. Surely you'd notice when you reviewed the footage. Not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with having sex with transgender people of course. And then there's the fact that regardless of genitalia you seem to know from the time-line that he was cheating on the person whom he had a serious relationship while in the said drug addled state. Then there's the fact that he was less than candid when you asked him about it.

I think I might be having doubts in your position. I would certainly be having a very good look around the bedroom checking for a hidden camera.

Although he then went to say that back then he was in a really bad/dark place and was doing a lot of drugs. He said that a lot of the time he didn’t know where he was or what he was doing and his completely erased that period of his life

Did you know he had this history of drug abuse?

Stimulant drugs such as amphetamine and coke can induce weird ideas and strange behaviour particularly sexual behaviour.